
Class _lEi>J25-k 5" 
Book -1?&7 S.T 
CorofetoN ' ^ / g 

CQEHUGHT DEPOSm 



AGNES L. CRIMMINS 



SHE KNOWS 
BETTER NOW 




A FARCE COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 



Walter H. Baker 6 Co., Boston 



r 



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The Adventures of Grandpa 

The Air Spy 

The American Plag 

Captain Cranberry 

The College Chap 

The Colonel's Maid 

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A Couple of Million 

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Daddy 

The Deacon's Second Wife 

The District Attorney 

The Dutch Detective 

An Easy Mark 

Elizabeth's Young Man 

The Elopement of Ellen 

Engaged by Wednesday 

Freddy Goes to College 

A Pull House 

The Girl Prom Upper Seven 

Grandma Gibbs of the Red Cross 

Honeymoon Plats 

The Hoodoo 

The Hurdy Gurdy Girl 

Johnny's New Suit 

Local and Long Distance 

Lost — A Chaperon 

The Loving Cup 

The Man Who Went 

Mrs. Briggs of the Poultry Yard 

Much Ado About Betty 

No Trespassing 

Our Wives 

Pa's New Housekeeper 

Professor Pepp 

The Rebellion of Mrs. Barclay 

A Regiment of Two 

Sally Lunn 

The Slacker 

Step Lively 

The Submarine Shell 

Teddy, or The Runaways 

The Time of His Life 

The Troubling of Bethesda Pool 

Valley Farm 

The Village School Ma'am 

Willowdale 

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detailed information. 

BAKER, 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Mass* 



/0% 



She Knows Better Now 



She Knows Better Now 

A Farce-Comedy in Three Acts 



By 

AGNES L. CRIMMINS 

Author of" The Pride of the Faitiily" etc. 



PLEASE NOTICE 

The professional stage rights in this play are strictly re- 
served. Amateurs may obtain permission to produce it 
privately upon payment of a fee of twenty-five dollars 
($25.00) for each performance in advance. Special rate for 
schools, $10.00 for the first and $5.00 for each additional 
performance. All payments and correspondence should 
be addressed to Norman Lee Swartout, 24 Blackburn 
Road, Summit, New Jersey. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
1918 



She Knows Better Now 



DRAMATIS PERSONS 

Count Adolfo De la Nochebuena. 
Mr. T. Gordon Sturtevant. 
Mr. Nicholas Tompkins. 
Chesterton, Mrs. Tompkins butler. 
Two Custom House Officers. 
One Woman Inspector. 
Mrs. Viola Tompkins. 
Mrs. T. Gordon Sturtevant. 
Delia, Mrs. Tompkins 1 maid. 

Time. — The present. 

Place. — New York City. 

Scene. — Living-room in home of Mrs. Tompkins. 




Copyright, 1913, by Agnes L. Crimmins 

As an unpublished dramatic composition 

Copyright, 191 8, by Agnes L. Crimmins 

As author and proprietor 

Professional and moving picture rights reserved 



©CLD 50938 
JAN -2 1919 



( Original Cast ) 

She Knows Better Now 

As Presented at the Studebaker Theatre, 
Chicago, February 25, 191 2 

[In the order of their afifieara?ice) 

Jane - - - - - - - Katherine Keyes 

Chesterton Lionel Glenister 

Mrs. T. Gordon Sturtevant - - Mary K. 7 ay lor 
T. Gordon Sturtevant - Thomas F. Fallon 

Nicholas Tompkins ... - Arthur Byron 
Mrs. Nicholas Tompkins - May Irwin 

Heinrich von Hohenspitze - - E. E. Hohenwart 

Hedwig Muller Muriel Hope 

Dunbar, special agent from the 

Custom House ----- Hugh Jeffrey 

NOTE 

As abundantly appears, the version of " She Knows Bet- 
ter Now " published in this volume has been considerably 
altered from that first presented, as above. This was in 
part due to the process of improvement that is inevitable 
under the instruction of actual performance, and in part to 
later alterations made necessary by revolutions in popular 
sympathy brought about by the war. Herr Heinrich von 
Hohenspitze and Hedwig Muller, created originally with 
humorous hopes and intentions, ran a grave chance in these 
later days of Teutonic unpopularity of missing their target 
altogether, and had to be denationalized. 



PLEASE NOTICE 

The professional stage-rights in this play are strictly reserved 
by the author. Applications for its use should be addressed to 
Norman Lee Swartout, 24 Blackburn Road, Summit, New 
Jersey. 



Attention is called to the penalties provided by the Copyright 
Law of the United States of" America in force July 1, 1909, for 
any infringement of the author's rights, as follows : 

Sec. 28. That any person who wilfully and for profit shall infringe any 
Copyright secured by this Act, or who shall knowingly and wilfully aid 
or abet such infringement, shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor, and 
upon conviction thereof shall be punished by imprisonment for not ex- 
ceeding one year or by a fine of not less than one hundred dollars, or both, 
at the discretion of the court. 

Sec. 29. That any person who, with fraudulent intent, shall insert or 
impress any notice of Copyright required by this Act, or words of the 
same purport, in or upon any uncopyrighted article, or with fraudulent in- 
tent shall remove or alter the copyright notice upon any article duly copy- 
righted shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, punishable by a fine of not less 
than one hundred dollars and not more than one thousand dollars. 



She Knows Better Now 



ACT I 

SCENE. — The curtain rises upon a showily ^ and 
expensively decorated room. At r. c. is an 
ornate fireplace before which are two luxurious 
chairs. Between this and center of room is a 
small table with a straight-back chair beside it. 
At l. c. are French windows. At u. l. is a 
table desk with writing articles, and a photo, 
placed face downwards, upon it. At l. is a 
divan with a pillow at either end. At u. R. is a 
long gilt-framed mirror. At center back the 
room opens into a hall, from center of which 
a broad staircase leads to landing above, behind 
which is a large, arched window, of stained 
glass. Off either end of this landing opens a 
door. Below at R. of staircase is a door to 
telephone closet, which, when opened, shows a 
desk and telephone. At l. of staircase is door 
leading to butler's pantry. Rich and showy 
hangings are at zvindows and entrance to room. 
There are such other furnishings as would in- 
dicate prosperity and a love of display. 

The curtain rises upon an empty stage. Almost 
immediately a motor horn is heard; there is a 
I 



2 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

pause; a door slams, and Mr. Tompkins enters 
at u. R. He is a large, burly man of about 
forty-five years, well, but carelessly dressed, 
suggesting the American business man, old- 
fashioned in taste, who gives little attention to 
details of dress. He is self-made, has won his 
way in the world through sheer determination 
and a certain bulldog tenacity. His bearing is 
that of mingled kindliness and arrogance. He 
enters wearing his hat. In one hand he car- 
ries a box of flowers; in the other he holds a 
bunch of keys attached to a pocket chain. He 
takes a step or two into the room, then halts 
and looks about the room questioningly, show- 
ing, in turn, determination and hesitancy. Then, 
with a wistful smile, he goes to the foot of the 
staircase, dangling his keys a little nervously. 

Tompkins. 

[Looking up towards landing u. R., and calling 
hesitatingly and softly.] Viola! Viola! [Pause.] 
Viola! [Pause. More commandingly.] Viola! 
Viola! [Looks about with disapproval; sharply.] 
Viola ! 

[Turns, pushes keys impatiently into his hip 
pocket, removes his hat with a jerk, and 
strides towards the desk, tossing down his 
hat. He starts away, when his attention 
is arrested by the photograph. He picks 
it up, looks at it, shrugs his shoulders half 
sadly; then, with an expression of dogged 
determination, goes to bell at l. of fireplace 
and rings. He takes several impatient 
strides up and down stage as he waits for 
an answer, pauses to take up photograph, 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 3 

looks at it, puts it in upright position on 
desk, starts away, but, shaking his head, 
turns back and again places it face down- 
wards as Delia enters through butler's 
pantry. Delia is a buxom Irish maid of 
about thirty years, possessing all the tradi- 
tional traits of her race. She speaks with 
a brogue, is rather clumsy in her move- 
ments, and acts out of place in these sur- 
roundings. She wears her conventional 
maid's uniform rather awkwardly, her cap 
a trifle on one side. She looks ques- 
tioningly at Mr. Tompkins, who is pre- 
occupied with his thoughts. 

Delia. 

[After a moment.] Did ye ring, Misther Thomp- 
kins ? 

Tompkins. 
Yes — yes. Where is she, Delia ? 

Delia. 
Is it hersilf ye mane, sor ? 

Tompkins. 
Mrs. Tompkins. Yes, of course. Where is she? 

Delia. 
It's out she is, sor. 

Tompkins. 
[Sharply.] How long will she be out? 

Delia. 
[Stolidly.] That I don't know. I suppose until 
she'll be comin' in agin. She didn't sav. 



4 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Tompkins. 
Where was she going ? — Did she say ? 

Delia. 

To get a brith of air. She says : " It's stifled I 
am/' says she, " and must go out for a brith of 
frish air," says she. Och, Misther Thompkins, 
shure it's stifled we all are in this house — it's that 
big. 

Tompkins. 
[Gloomily.] It's a very nice house, Delia. You 
ought to like it. [With a sigh.] It's much finer 
than our little home in Brooklyn. 

Delia. 
Och, sor, but Brooklyn is the hivinly place! I 
filt at home there; but [with a wave of her hand 
about room] glory be to God ! — It's like a mooseem 
it is — and it's that big and grand I'm afraid a cop 
is watching me ivery time I touch anythin'. 

Tompkins. 
You'll get used to it, Delia. [With a heavy 
sigh. ] We'll all get used to it — in time, I suppose ; 
but Brooklyn was, as you say, pretty nice. It was 
home. 

Delia. 
It was that ! Such a respictible place ! None of 
this high-fallutin' business of — [with high and 
mighty air in imitation of society women] Park 
Avenue! Bad cess to thim! [With sudden burst 
of feeling.] Would you and the missus mind, sor, 
if I'd be af ther lavin' ? I'm that lonesome ! 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 5 

Tompkins. 
[With anxiety.] No, no, Delia! You can't go! 
You are the one link that connects us with the past. 
Why, think how long you have been with us ! 

Delia. 
Yis, sor, and it's anythin' I'd do for you, but, 
shure it's like a fly in the merlasses I am here. It's 
a naeger or a Chinemon you should be havin' in a 
grand mansion the likes of this, instid of a poor 
Irish girl like misilf. 

Tompkins. 
No, no, Delia, you must stay. It'll be all right 
by and by. 

Delia. 

[With sudden explosion of long-repressed feel- 
ing.] It's not all right it is! — And it's niver all 
right it'll be ! 

Tompkins. 
[Surprised.] Why do you say that? 

Delia. 
Wasn't it on a Friday that we moved in ? [ With 
finality.] No good comes of that ! 

Tompkins. 
Nonsense, Delia ! You're superstitious ! 

Delia. 
Superstishus you may call it, sor, but I know it's » 
the divil it is; and it's Friday he do be pokin' his 
nose into iverybody's business. It's to the Holy 
Virgin I pray to keep him from us ! 



6 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

[Clasping her hands and looking up as in 

prayer. 

Tompkins. 
Humph ! Rubbish ! 

Delia. 

Ah, thin, and it's no rubbish it is. You mark my 
words for it. [With tone of conviction.] Look at 
the missus ! It's not hersilf she is since she come 
into this house. Haven't you noticed that for yer- 
silf? 

Tompkins. 
[Broodingly, with sigh.] Ye-es, perhaps I have. 

Delia. 
It's Friday it is to-day, sor, an' I won't rist aizy 
until it's Saturday. No good comes of this day. 
[With sudden recollection.] Look at yersilf, now! 

Tompkins. 
[Surprised.] What's the matter with me? 

Delia. 
It's yersilf the' divil give a poke in the ribs this 
marnin'. 

Tompkins. 
[Severely.] Delia, this is 

Delia. 

[Apologetically.] Plaze, sor, — you won't take no 

offinse, sor. I've bin wid ye that long you know I 

don't mane nothin' whin I says anything but, sor, I 

couldn't hilp noticin' it. Shure the servants have 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW y 

eyes like the rest of yees. An' you and the missus, 
instid of comin' down paceable-like together — you, 
yersilf, comes down an hour before breakfast and 
orders us all about, an' thin ates niver a mouthful. 

Tompkins. 
[Embarrassed. ] I — er — I — er — had an important 
engagement. 

Delia. 
[Showing doubt.] Oh ! — An* thin what does the 
missus do, poor soul, but comes down an hour 
aftherwards that white 

Tompkins. 
[Solicitously.] Oh! 

Delia. 
— and wid such a hidache 

Tompkins. 
Oh! 

Delia. 

That it's niver a bit of breakfast did she touch 
aither. 

Tompkins. 
[Sympathetically.] Oh! [Musingly.] Poor 
Viola! [With sudden recollection.] Oh, here, 
Delia, are some flowers I brought her. 

Delia. 
[Brightening.] Och, shure, an' thim will hilp! 
[Taking box.] Is it roses it is? 



8 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Tompkins. 
Yes — roses. 

Delia. 

Now that's nice ! An' she luvin' roses like a baby 
luves candy. [Door-bell rings.] It's hersilf it is! 

[Starts towards door. 

Tompkins. 
[Shows desire to escape, then pulls himself to- 
gether. With resolute voice.] Here, give me the 
box. I'll give them to her. 

Delia. 

[Turning back and giving box to Tompkins; 
sympathetically.] Yis — do. 

[Exits. Tompkins stands in expectant at- 
titude facing entrance, showing both per- 
turbation and eagerness. Suddenly, re- 
membering flowers, holds box half-ex- 
tended as Mr. Sturtevant enters, fol- 
lowed by Delia. Mr. Sturtevant is a 
man of about the same age as Tompkins. 
He is punctilious in manner, very car ef idly 
"gotten up," suggesting the Englishman 
in dress. He wears an afternoon coat of 
the latest English cut, a pair of light- 
colored gaiters, and his hair is carefully 
parted in the back. 

Sturtevant. 
[Extending hand cordially to Tompkins.] Ah, 
Tompkins ! 

Tompkins. 
[Drawing back flowers in embarrassment ; under 
his breath.] The devil! 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 9 

Sturtevant. 
Thanks awfully ! But why this sudden burst of 
affection ? 

Tompkins. 
I beg your pardon, Sturtevant ! 

[Shifting flowers to left hand, and grasping 
Sturtevant's hand cordially. 

Sturtevant. 
[Passing hat to Delia, who takes it into hall at 
u. r.] I'm your invited guest, you know; — the 
races this afternoon. .. 

Tompkins. 
Of course you are. [Heartily.] Glad to see 
you ! But, you see, I thought it was Viola. 

Sturtevant. 
[Pulling off gloves.] Sorry I can't fill the bill — 
and — [pointing towards flowers] get the reward. 

Tompkins. 
[To Delia, who is reentering at u. r.] Oh, yes. 
Here, Delia, put these in something, will you? 

Delia. 
[Taking flowers.] Yis, sor. [Starts to exit 
through telephone closet as if uncertain of her way; 
shuts door in disgust, and exits through door to 
butler's pantry.] Tsch ! Tsch ! 

Sturtevant. 
[Looking after Delia.] Still offering roses at 
the shrine of love, Tompkins? 



10 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Tompkins. 
[Gloomily.] Shrine of peace. 

[Sinks into chair by fireplace. 

Sturtevant. 
[Philosophically.] Same thing after you are 
married. [Goes to fireplace, where he stands with 
hands behind his back watching Tompkins. Sym- 
pathetically.] But what's the matter, old man? — 
You seem cut up. 

Tompkins. 
[Gloomily.] I am. I wish Viola had never in- 
herited this damned house from that soup-making 
old uncle of hers ! 

Sturtevant. 
[Looking about room.] Fine testimonial to the 
quality of Simpson's Anglo-Saxon soups. 

Tompkins. 
• Damn his soups ! It would have been all right 
if the old soup kettle hadn't left Viola this property 
'with that blasted condition that she occupy this 
place for a year. [Doggedly.] Viola was all right 
until we came over here. And now, with so much 
money of her own, and all this — [with impatient 
wave of his hand about room] this confounded 
tomfoolery, — her head is turned. 

Sturtevant. 
In other words she wants to see life ? 

Tompkins. 
Hasn't she seen life in Brooklyn? 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW II 

Sturtevant. 
[Raising eyebrows.] Um — still life. 

Tompkins. 
Brooklyn is not to be sneered at. [Sturtevant 
makes humorous gesture of apology.] There one 
can find peace, quietness, and respectability. 

Sturtevant. 

Um — plenty of those. [Seriously.] Viola is 
only human, you know — and, from my experience 
with Angelica, I'd advise you 

Tompkins. 
There is no comparison between my wife and 
yours. [Patronizingly.] Not that I mean to criti- 
cize your wife, Sturtevant, but you married a city 
girl. I didn't. Viola, as you know, came from 
simple, old-fashioned people — the real people; and 
that's what I intend to keep her. 

Sturtevant. 
In New York ! 

Tompkins. 
In New York, Brooklyn — or Jericho! 

Sturtevant. 
[Mildly.] Better make it Jericho. 

Tompkins. 
[With increasing vehemence.] Up to now I've 
kept her down to the good old-fashioned standard — 
to woman's sphere. 



12 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Sturtevant. 
The housewife idea. 

Tompkins. 
[Blustering.] Isn't that woman's sphere? 

Sturtevant. 

Not to-day, my boy. Why, you're fifty years 
behind the times ! It's time you crossed Brooklyn 
Bridge ! Society — clubs, gowns, etc., is woman's 
sphere to-day. 

Tompkins. 
[With blow of fist on table.] And that's what 
I'm going to stop ! 

[Jumps to feet in excitement, looking down 
fiercely at Sturtevant. 

Sturtevant. 
Gently, old man, gently. Might as well try to 
stop the tide. It is the march of civilization. 

Tompkins. 
[With another blow on table.] It is the march 
of degeneration ! It shall be stopped, — stopped, I 
say! [Begins to pace room.] My wife has got 

to [Delia enters from butler's pantry with 

vase of roses. She stops short at Tompkins' loud 
voice, doubtful whether to enter. Tompkins chokes 
in effort to cover his excitement, trying to hide his 
embarrassment. Delia appears stupefied. ] Well ? 

Delia. 

[Collecting herself after a pause.] The roses, 
sor. [Extending vase.] Where Would you be 
wanting thim, sor? 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 3 

Tompkins. 
[Wiping his face.] Oh — er — anywhere. There — 
on the desk. 

Delia. 
Yis, sor. [Goes to desk. 

Tompkins. 
[Looks rather helpless and foolish. After an 
awkward pause, while Delia is arranging flowers.] 
Er — great day, Sturtevant — great day. What were 
we talking about? 

Sturtevant. 
[ With twinkle in his eye. ] Oh — er — soup, wasn't 
it? The excellence of Simpson's Anglo-Saxon 
soups. 

Tompkins. 
[Makes gesture of disgust; sotto-voce.] Con- 
found the soups ! 

Delia. 
[Looking up, her back towards the others, nods 
her head sympathetically, and mumbles.] Yis! 
Bad luck to thim! 

Tompkins. 
[Walking about restlessly, watching Delia and 
endeavoring to keep up conversation. Talks jerkily 
and disconnectedly.] Er — as I was saying, Sturte- 
vant, — this is going to be a great day — [Delia puts 
down flowers, picks up photo placed face down- 
wards by Tompkins earlier in the act] for the 
races [Delia dusts photo with her apron in 



14 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

true Irish fashion.] Confound it! [Sturtevant 
watches both in amusement.] That little mare I 
was just telling you about 

Sturtevant. 
Eh? 

Tompkins. 
[Eyes on Delia.] Hang it all! Er — fine limbs. 

Sturtevant. 
Eh? 

Tompkins. 
You know — Comet — the little bay — planked my 
wad on her — sure winner. [Delia sets photo up- 
right beside flowers; sotto-voce.] Now, why the 
devil will she do that! 

[Makes start towards Delia. 

Sturtevant. 

[Nonplussed.] Eh? You don't want her to 
win? 

Tompkins. 
[Turning back.] Huh? Who? 

[Delia straightens things on desk. 

Sturtevant. 
Comet ? 

Tompkins. 
[With recollection.] Oh — yes, — of course, of 
course. Why, [confidentially] I've put my money 
on her. You didn't know that, did you? [Tele- 
phone bell rings. Delia looks towards Tompkins, 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 5 

as if expecting him to answer it.] She's a sure 
winner. [Telephone bell rings again.] She's got 
a pedigree* that would make you take off your hat 
to her. [Telephone bell rings again. 

Delia. 
The telephone, sor. 

Tompkins. 
You answer it, Delia. [Delia goes to telephone 
closet at r. of staircase, leaving door partly ajar. 

To Sturtevant. ] And her record ! — why, I've 

[Voice dies out as he listens to Delia. 

Delia. 
[At telephone.] Yis, mum. [Pause.] Yis, mum. 
[Pause.] He is, mum. [Pause.] Will you shpake 
wid him, mum? [Pause.] 

Tompkins. 
[Hushed voice.] That's Viola, now. 

Delia. 
I don't think he's feeling very well, mum. 

Tompkins. 
Bless her heart! Thinking of me all the time. 
Delia's a fine servant. Got brains. 

Delia. 
Yis, mum — I'll till him. In half an hour? Yis, 
mum. A surprise? 

Tompkins. 
[Rubbing his hcfoids with satisfaction.] A sur- 
prise. 



l6 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Delia. 
Yis, mum — yis, mum — good-bye. [Hangs up re- 
ceiver, and comes out, closing closet door behind 
her.] It was Missus Thompkins, sor. 

Tompkins. 
[Eagerly.] Well? 

Delia. 
She's wid Missus Shturtevant. 

Tompkins. 
[Face falling, and looking at Sturtevant in dis- 
approval. ] Oh ! 

Delia. 
They're at the drissmaker's 

Tompkins. 
[Face lighting up with relief.] Ah! 

Delia. 

An' will be home in half an hour, — an' Missus 
Thompkins says to till you she'll be afther bringing 
home a little surprise for you. 

Sturtevant. 

I know those little dressmakers' surprises. 

[Putting hand on pocket. 

Tompkins. 
[Exultantly.] Good! Good! [Draws himself 
up with satisfaction. With pompous air.] Bring 
us some whiskey and soda, belia. You'll have 
some, Sturtevant? 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW iy 

Sturtevant. 
I'm too well-bred to refuse. 

Tompkins. 
[Jovially.] Ha! Ha! [To Delia.] Bring it 
on! 

Delia. 
Yis, sor. [Exit. 

Tompkins. 
[With vigorous slap on back of Sturtevant, 
who draws away in pain.] Ah! Ha! It's all 
right ! She's gone to the dressmaker's ! 

Sturtevant. 
[In bewilderment.] Well, by Jove! That's the 
first time I ever heard a man rejoice over his wife's 
going to a dressmaker's ! The very name gives 
most of us fever and ague. [Quizzically.] Are 
you well, old man? 

[Enter Delia from butler's pantry with tray 
upon which are a decanter of whiskey, 
some glasses, a siphon of soda, and a 
cigar jar. This she takes to table near 
fireplace. 

Tompkins. 
[As Delia sets tray on table.] Perhaps I do 
need — " just a wee Deoch an' Doris "? [Takes up 
glass and decanter. Jovially.] Say when, Sturte- 
vant. 

Sturtevant. 
[Taking glass out of Tompkins' hand.] You're 
not responsible to-day, Tompkins. I prefer to be 
my own executioner. [Takes up decanter. 



18 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Tompkins. 
[Laughing jovially. ] All right, old man ! 

[Rubbing his hands, and slapping Sturte- 
vant vigorously on shoulder; happily. 

Sturtevant. 
[Drawing away.] See here, that's the second 



time 



Tompkins. 
Oh, this is going to be a great day! [Sturte- 
vant again devotes his attention to pouring whis- 
key.] A great — [Tompkins starts to slap Delia 
on back in his excitement ; catches himself in sur- 
prise, much to the amusement of Delia, who turns 
her head away, and hides a broad smile in her 
apron. Tompkins' voice dies away hesitatingly on 
the last word] day. [In changed voice, with digni- 
fied severity. ] That will be all, Delia. 

[Sturtevant, busy with whiskey and soda, 
does not notice this little incident. 

Delia. 
[Her mouth still hidden by her apron, turns.] 
Yis, sor. 

[Again makes mistake of going to telephone 
closet for exit; gives impatient gesture of 
hand, and exits to butler's pantry. Tomp- 
kins pours generously whiskey and soda, 
Sturtevant standing with upraised glass. 

Tompkins. 
[Holding up glass, with festive spirit.] Let's 
drink to the winner! 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 19 

Sturtevant. 
I'll drink to Viola ! 

Tompkins. 
To Viola then ! The sweetest, most dutiful of 
wives! [Both men clink glasses and drink.] I tell 
you, Sturtevant — [setting down his glass, swelling 
up with pride and pushing his thumbs into his vest 
armholes] I tell you, a man likes to feel he is master 
in his own home. 

Sturtevant. 
[Dryly.] Um — I don't know the feeling. 

Tompkins. 
And you see a woman likes it, too, 

Sturtevant. 
No, I don't see it. 

Tompkins. 
Well, you will when Viola comes in. She's given 
in, you see. 

Sturtevant. 
[Impatiently.] No, I don't see, — and I wish, 
Tompkins, you'd stop talking like a glass of whiskey 
and soda. 

Tompkins. 

Here [Extending cigar jar, from which 

Sturtevant helps himself.] Sit down [indicates 
chair by fireplace] and I'll tell you all about it. 
[Takes cigar from jar, lights match for Sturte- 
vant. Sturtevant lights his cigar. Tompkins 



20 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

does the same with his. Both men settle themselves 
comfortably in chairs before fireplace.] It was 
this way. While we lived in Brooklyn all was har- 
monious. Of course, occasionally a little differ- 
ence, — but — well [with wave of hand in direction of 
piano], roses, and a trip to the theatre, the races, or 
something like that, and all was well again. You 
know a man wouldn't realize how happy he was 
unless a little cloud came up once in a while, as sort 
of reminder. 

Sturtevant. 
[Shaking his head thoughtfully.] How many re- 
minders some of us " happy " devils have ! [ With 
sigh.] Go on. 

Tompkins. 
Well — there we lived, happy and contented. 
Viola consulted me in everything — I wished her to ; 
and I decided everything for her, — even to the 

matter of dress. 

Sturtevant. 
Dress! Dress, did you say? 

Tompkins. 
Yes, dress. Why not? 

Sturtevant. 

Good Lord ! I'd as soon think of masticating my 
wife's food. 

Tompkins. 
[Complacently.] Haven't you noticed in what 
exquisite taste Viola is always gowned? 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 21 

Sturtevant. 
[Scratching his head in thought.] I'm awfully 
sorry, old man, but I can't recall anything — special — 
about her dress. 

Tompkins. 
[Radiantly.] Ah! That is the greatest compli- 
ment you could pay her! 

Sturtevant. 
[Still pondering.] She dresses very — quietly, I 
should say 

Tompkins. 
Exactly. My theory is that a woman should 
dress according to her years. 

Sturtevant. 
Woman deciding the years ? 

Tompkins. 
Woman admitting the truth. 

Sturtevant. 
[Humorously. ] The — whole truth? 

Tompkins. 
[Seriously.] The whole truth. 

Sturtevant. 
[Pityingly.] Oh, Tompkins, what a babe you 
are ! You need a nurse. 

Tompkins. 

[Doggedly.] I see that Viola dresses in that 
manner. 



22 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

STURTEVANT; 

Poor little woman ! And do you mean to say that 
she does it willingly? 

Tompkins. 
She did until we came over here. You see Viola 
is now coming into the autumn of life. Therefore, 
what more beautiful, what more appropriate than 
autumnal colors, — dull browns, — soft purples, — 
misty grays? They bring out the mellowness of 
years. Ah, Sturtevant, to see her dressed like that 
on an autumn day ! Why, man, you can scarcely 
tell her from the foliage by the wayside. 

Sturtevant. 
I believe you ! 

Tompkins. 
That is the way she used to dress, — but since 
we came into this godless place she has changed, — 
she rebels — she wants — [tone of desperation] bright 
colors. 

Sturtevant. 
Of course she does! Why, Tompkins, this is 
barbaric ! Don't you know that after a woman 
passes thirty-five life is one awful battle with Old 
Father Time? And Viola's reached the Fighting 
Age. 

Tompkins. 
I'm beginning to think she has. 

Sturtevant. 
It's as natural for a woman of her age to run to 
bright colors, facial massage, puffs, — fluffs [making 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 23 

airy motions about head], coronations, transforma- 
tions, — and all such innovations, as for a butterfly 
to seek flowers. Now there's my wife, Angelica 

Tompkins. 
My wife's not like other women. She 

Sturtevant. 

[Pityingly.] How little you know about them! 
They're all alike in instinct. The difference lies in 
circumstances — and lack of opportunity. And you 
say yourself that since Viola has become an inde- 
pendent property owner she is inclined to display 
that tendency. 

Tompkins. 

[Violently.] It must be stopped! [With sud- 
den calmness and complacency.] And I flatter my- 
self it has been stopped. 

Sturtevant. 
What makes you think so ? 

Tompkins. 
Well, you see, the question of dress for the races 
to-day came up some time ago. I told Viola she 
might wear a russet brown, — the color of Comet, the 
little bay. She flared up and said she wouldn't 
dress like a horse. Most unreasonable ! And what 
do you think she wanted to wear? 

Sturtevant. 
Oh — hunter's green. 

Tompkins. 
Cerise! Cerise, man! Did you ever hear of 
such diabolical madness? 



24 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Sturtevant. 
[Dryly.] Many a time and oft. 

Tompkins. 
Of course I came down on that with both feet. 

Sturtevant. 
And did Viola mind your — gentle tread? 

Tompkins. 
She showed an obstinacy I had never dreamed of 
in one of her submissive nature. I was firm. One 
must be firm with women, — as with children. As 
Shakespeare says : " They are but children of a 
larger growth." 

Sturtevant. 
[Ruminatingly.] Did he, now? I'm not as 
familiar with Shakespeare as you are. 

Tompkins. 
I reasoned with Viola as with a child — and she — 
well, she was as stubborn as a child, — but 

Sturtevant. 
Did she give in? 

Tompkins. 
Not exactly — that is, not then ; went to bed sulk- 
ing. 

Sturtevant. 
Ah! 

Tompkins. 
I felt it necessary to show my displeasure to a 
greater degree than usual, because this must be 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 2$ 

stopped. So I left the house a little earlier than 
usual — I knew that would make her repent — and — 
[with wave of hand and shrug of shoulders] all is 
serene again. 

[Gets up and struts about in self-satisfac- 
tion. 

Sturtevant. 
If you haven't seen her since, how do you know 
that? 

Tompkins. 
She has telephoned from the dressmaker's. 

Sturtevant. 
I don't see much assurance in that. 

Tompkins. 
[Pacing floor proudly.] That means she has 
gone to order what I want. Moreover, she says 
she has a little surprise for me. [With gesture 
of complete finality.] That means the russet brown. 
Ah, it's going to be a great day — a great day! 
[Wheeling about suddenly, and facing Sturte- 
vant.] Do you want to know the secret of how to 
be happy? 

Sturtevant. 
Though married? If you please. 

Tompkins. 
System, my boy. 

Sturtevant. 
System? 



26 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Tompkins. 
System means success, — whether in business or 
matrimony. 

Sturtevant. 
System in matrimony! [Throwing up hands in 
despair.] Oh, Lord! You sound like the Ladies' 
Home Journal! [Ruminatingly.] What would 
happen to me if I tried that on Angelica ? [Shakes 
his head dubiously. ] Oh, no ! Oh, no ! 

Tompkins. 

[Patronizingly.] You didn't start right with 

Angelica, old man. That's where you made your 

mistake. As the philosopher, Walter Whitman, 

says : " Bend your tree the way you want it to go." 

Sturtevant. 
Did he now ? Well, I warrant he never practised 
that on Mrs. Walter. 

Tompkins. 
You should have established your authority at 
the beginning, Sturtevant. 

Sturtevant. 
[Ruefully.] I did; that is, I tried to; but— you 
never heard my wife hold up her side of an argu- 
ment, did you ? 

Tompkins. 
No-o, I don't believe I ever did. 

Sturtevant. 
Oh, you'd remember it if you did. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 2J 

Tompkins. 
U-m, I can imagine 

Sturtevant. 
By George, that woman is a conversational 
dynamo! You turn on the switch with a bit of 
opposition and she's off, — a perfect tornado; the 
air becomes blue, and after several hours you come 
to, dazed, shattered, a nervous wreck, wondering 
what's happened to you. I had one experience, — 
in the early years of happy wedded life, when I was 
just getting acquainted with her individuality. I 
wanted to go to Atlantic City for a rest; — she un- 
dertook to persuade me that I meant Palm Beach. 

Tompkins. 
You didn't go? 

Sturtevant. 

Go ? Of course I went. She'd be talking yet if 
I hadn't gone. [Seriously.] Tompkins, by actual 
count, I'd swear there are nine hundred and ninety- 
nine reasons why a man should go to Palm Beach. 

Tompkins. 
[Shaking his head, pityingly.] Too bad! Too 
bad ! That's where you made your first false step. 
Oppose a woman and she'll begin to doubt herself, 
and then she'll come to you for advice. Do you 
know man's greatest danger? 

Sturtevant. 
I know a lot of them. 



28 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Tompkins. 
It's fear; fear of woman. Once you show that, 
you are lost. Now you are afraid of Angelica 

Sturtevant. 
[Bristling.] Who says I am? 

Tompkins. 
Well, aren't you? 

Sturtevant. 
No, I am a prudent man, Tompkins, — I'm a man 
of peace, and know the line of least resistance is the 
flowery path of matrimony. 

Tompkins. 
To make a woman fear you is to make a woman 
love and respect you. A woman should look up 
to her husband as a higher power. Don't they say 
[walking pompously about] that man is the most 
perfect work of God? [Draws self up before 
Sturtevant.] Don't that make him the superior 
of woman? But [condescendingly] I say a wife 
can be the most perfect work of man. That's 
demonstrated in Viola. Yes, sir, I'm proud of my 
work; — proud of it. [Wheeling about and facing 
Sturtevant.] And do you suppose I could have 
accomplished it if I was afraid of her? [Thumbs 
in armholes.] Never! I have absolutely no 

fear [Door-bell rings one long and two short 

rings. Tompkins listens attentively. At last ring 
shows nervousness.] There she is ! [Sturtevant, 
busy shaking ashes from cigars into fireplace, does 
not notice his perturbation. Tompkins starts to- 
wards door at u. r. ; turns back a little shame- 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 29 

faced.] Oh, er, Sturtevant, — er what do you say 
to a game of billiards ? 

Sturtevant. 
[Stretching out legs comfortably.] Pretty com- 
fortable here. 

[Delia enters from door to butler's pantry 
and crosses towards door at u. l. 

Tompkins. 
[Nervously.] Long time since we had a game. 
I — I'd like to see if I can't beat you. 

Sturtevant. 
[Making no motion of moving.] Don't believe 
there's time. The wives ought to be here soon. 
[Consults watch. Sound of door closing 
outside. 

Tompkins. 
[Fairly dragging Sturtevant, casting furtive 
glances towards entrance all the while.] Oh, come 
on; come on. 

Sturtevant. 
[Going reluctantly.] Mighty sudden idea, this, 
Tompkins. I'd rather hear your ideas on matri- 
mony. 

[Exit u. r. Tompkins returns immediately, 
looks hastily towards entrance ; seeing that 
coast is clear tiptoes to desk, and puts 
photo face downwards ; hearing Mrs. 
Tompkins" voice in hall starts fearfully 
and runs out u. l., casting back a fright- 
ened look. Enter from u. r. Mrs. Tomp- 
kins and Mrs. Sturtevant, followed by 



30 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Delia, who carries a dressmaker's box. 
Mrs. Tompkins is a rather timid appear- 
ing woman of thirty-five or forty years, 
with chestnut brozvn hair. She is dressed 
in a simple, inexpensive gown and hat of 
dull brown. The impression she gives is 
that of a negative personality. Mrs. 
Sturtevant, on the other hand, is gowned 
in youthful colors, tres a la mode. She 
carries herself with an air of importance 
and authority. She gives the impression 
of a snobbish, domineering, conventional 
personality. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Looking about f ear f idly; then with a sigh of 
relief turns to Mrs. Sturtevant.] What a relief! 
He isn't here. But — [sniffing] I can smell him. 
[To Delia, who stands holding box.] Is Mr. 
Tompkins in, Delia? 

DELIAv 

He is, mum. 

Mrs. Tompkins.- 
[Frightened.] Oh, Angelica! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Looks at Mrs. Tompkins reprovingly through 
lorgnette. ] Viola, I have advised you. 

Mrs. Tompkins* 
[Weakly.] Yes, yes, I know. [Bracing herself ; 
to Delia with forced hauteur. ] Delia, where is he ? 
[The sound of billiard balls off stage is 
heard. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 3 1 

Delia. 
In the billiard room wid Misther Stertivant, mum. 
I'll call him, mum. [Starts towards door. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Quickly snatching her arm, in terror, plead- 
ingly. ] Oh, no — no, — don't ! [Seeing Mrs. Sturte- 
vant's reproving glance.] Don't — er — interrupt 
their pleasure. Mrs. Sturtevant and I have some- 
thing to talk over first. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Severely.] Have we? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Do sit down, Angelica ! You make me so nerv- 
ous looking at me like that. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Haughtily.] Perhaps you'd rather I'd go 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Quickly snatching her arm, as if in danger of 
drowning.] Oh, no, no, Angelica. I didn't mean 
anything. But you know I never did anything like 
this before. [Leads Mrs. Sturtevant to divan, 
where that lady sits in very erect position of in- 
jured dignity.] You said you'd stand by me. 

Delia. 
[Indicating box.] Shall I take this up-stairs, 
mum? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Nervously.] Yes, yes, — get it out of the way. 

[Delia starts up-stairs. 



32 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 

i 

[Severely.] Viola! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Rubbing her hands together in nervous agita- 
tion.] Oh, no, Delia. Leave it here. [Delia 
returns and sets box against wall. ] That will be all, 
Delia. [Delia turns to go.] Oh, Delia — [hesi- 
tatingly] what — what did Mr. Tompkins — say — 
when he came in? Anything — about me? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Viola! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Appealingly.] Oh, Angelica, please! 

Delia. 

[Regarding Mrs. Sturtevant with evident dis- 
dain.] He asked was you well, mum. 

[Mrs. Tompkins listens in pleased expecta- 
tion. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[With a sniff.] Well? 

Delia. 

And I told him you was that bad you didn't ate a 
mouthful. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
And what did he say ? 

Delia. 
Indade, he looked that sad it would make your 
heart ache. [Mrs. Tompkins looks pleased. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 33 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Sarcastically.] Would it! 

[Delia looks at Mrs. Sturtevant indig- 
nantly, and starts to expostulate, but 
catches herself. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
He is sympathetic, Angelica. I know. 

Delia. 
[With pride.] An' thin he give me thim luvly 
flowers, an' said they wuz fer you. 

[Points towards roses on desk. Mrs. 
Sturtevant turns stiffly to look at flowers 
through her lorgnettes. Exit Delia to 
butler's pantry. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Rushing to roses, buries her face in them.] Oh, 
you beautiful things ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
They're not American Beauties. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Inhaling their fragrance.] U-m! U-m! [Picks 
up photo, kisses it, and sets it upright on desk.] 
Dear old Nick! [Turning with radiant face to- 
wards Mrs. Sturtevant, who is regarding her 
with disgust.] Oh, Angelica, how sweet of him! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Was he sweet last night? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
• [Her face falling. ] No-o, — but those roses 



34 SHE KNOWS BETTER NO IV 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Are you to be bought by roses ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Weakening.] No-o, but it was nice of him to 
think of the flowers. You must admit 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Is it nice of him to dress you as he does? Is it 
nice of him to make you wear hats that look like a 
Methodist missionary? 

[Mrs. Tompkins rips off hat in anger and 
throws it across the room. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
No! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Regarding Mrs. Tompkins critically through 
her lorgnettes.] — To spat your hair down like an 
old maid from Skowhegan ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Hurt.] Oh, Angelica 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
— To make you wear American — [with a sniff of 
superior contempt] American ready-made clothes, 
that make you look like a — a little — brown hen ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Bristling with injury.] Angelica, this is going 
too far! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Pointing majestically towards mirror.] Judge 
for vourself. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 35 

[Mrs. Tompkins goes to mirror zvith an air 
of injured dignity; regards herself. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
We-11 — perhaps there is — some suggestion 



Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Suggestion ! [ With impressive tone of finality. ] 
Viola, you have no more individuality than — than 
Delia ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Struggling between surprise and indignation.] 
Oh! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
And there's Delia now. You shouldn't tolerate 
anything like that in your house. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 

Delia is a faithful servant, and we are both fond 
of her. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Oh, she did very well in Brooklyn, I dare say, but 
in New York, — on Park Avenue ! [ Throws up her 
hands in gesture of despair. ] My dear, how do you 
expect to get into society, or to get society to come 
to you, if that is the face which will open your 
door? She gives the place the air of a Third 
Avenue boarding-house ! You must have a butler, 
my dear. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
But Nick won't have one. 



36 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Another example of his tyranny. Think of the 
social advantages of a butler ! — and the educational 
advantages ! In my excitement I was quite for- 
getting it. [Affects a very superficial English ac- 
cent. ] My dear, it is positively bourgeois to live on 
Park Avenue without at least one butler. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 

Oh, if I could only make Nick see things as 
you do! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
That is all a matter of culture, — and tempera- 
ment ! But, my dear, why consult him ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 

[Timidly.] I have always done as he wishes. 

He is so strong — so masterful 

[Sinks apologetically into chair opposite Mrs. 
Sturtevant. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Speaking with increasing rapidity and pompous- 
ness. With affected English accent.] Brute 
strength! Nothing but brute strength! Man has 
always been called the superior of woman ? Why ? 
[Mrs. Tompkins looks nonplussed.] Because of 
that brute force. And it was ever by that cowardly 
weapon that he has ruled her, — like a bully. 
[Oratorically.] But to-day it is different. And 
why is it different? [Mrs. Sturtevant drives 
every question accusingly at Mrs. Tompkins, mak- 
ing that individual squirm uncomfortably in her 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 37 

chair.] Because woman has found a stronger 
weapon. [Rising majestically, and continuing with 
gusto.] Ah, how much stronger, how much more 
poignant in its subtle — subtle — subtlety is woman's 
weapon ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Eagerly leaning forward in her chair.] What is 
it? Oh, what is it, Angelica? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[ With impressiveness. ] Her power of speech ! 
A divine gift which every woman should cultivate 
to the highest degree — and [with complacency] 
which I myself have not neglected. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[With relief.] You mean "indirect influence," 
don't you, dear ? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Severely; focussing her lorgnettes on Mrs. 
Tompkins.] Viola, I am ashamed of you! In- 
direct influence, indeed! [Charging down upon 
Mrs. Tompkins indignantly.] What is indirect 
influence ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Drawing back in fright.] Oh, Angelica, I 
didn't mean 



Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Ignoring Mrs. Tompkins' interruption.] It is 
slavery ! Slavery ! — as the sacred canons of Woman's 
Suffrage tell us. [Scornfully.] You would cajole 



$$ SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

your husband, Viola! You would wheedle him — 
wheedle, Viola ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Trying to remonstrate and defend herself.] 
Oh, but Angelica 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
That is cowardice, Viola! It is a confession of 
fear. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Timidly.] But I am afraid of Nick 



Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Viola, never allow yourself to fear a man; or 
should you be so weak, never let him know it. If 
you do, you are lost. Does a dog worry a cat that 
stands up and defends herself? Not that I con- 
sider that a good hyperbole.- No, he leaves her 
alone ever after. That is what you must do. Show 
Nicholas your claws if necessary 

Mrs. Tompkins. 

[Shocked.] Oh, Angelica! I couldn't; I haven't 
any! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
I mean it only in the allegorical sense of the 
word, my dear. I mean you must take a stand of 
independence, and maintain it. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
If I only had some of you in me. You are so 
magnetic — so 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 39 

*»■ 
Mrs. Sturtevant. 

[Condescendingly.] Of course, you cannot be 
quite like me — but, with fearlessness and practice, 
you may make much of your opportunities now. A 
man, once trained in the right direction, adores 
power in a woman. I don't know how T. Gordon 
would exist without me. [With increased majesty.] 
Woman should be what the Maker intended her to 
be — man's support and guide. What are men, 
after all? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Bewildered.] Why — what? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
They are but children of a larger growth. Will 
they cease to love us if we assume the responsibility 
of guiding them in the right direction ? Nay, rather 
will they learn to recognize our superiority, — to re- 
spect and admire us as never shackled angel was 
loved before ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Drazving forzvard her chair and leaning in 
breathless admiration.] How wonderful you are, 
Angelica ! Don't stop, please. Don't ever stop ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Flattered, continues with greater oratorical dis- 
play.] We have reached a stage in the civilization 
of the world when the inevitable deterioration of 
man calls out to us to come forward and lift him 
out of the slough of degeneration. [Waxing elo- 
quent, with majestic gesticulations.] Woman is to 
save man ! She is to save the nation ! She is to 
save the world! 



40 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, Angelica, you ought to be a great leader, — a 
Joan of Arc, or a — a — Mrs. Pankhurst! Go on! 
Oh, do go on ! I'm. learning so much ! 

[Draws chair nearer, listening in breathless 
attention. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Spurred on anew.] Yes,, we are to save the 
world ! Fate has so decreed it. The average 
woman is foolish and unintelligent. [Pointing 
quickly at Mrs. Tompkins.] You are an example 
of the average woman. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Hurt.] Oh, Angelica! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Oh, I mean it only in the sense of pity. The 
downtrodden woman! Viola, you have a mission 
in the world ! And it begins right here on your own 
threshold! We must begin with the concrete, and 
go on to abstraction ! We are the coming rulers 
and men are discovering it. Why didn't they want 
to give us the vote? Because they were afraid of 
us ! Did we submit to such ignominy ? No ! How 
did we win our rights? By the power of persua- 
sion, by the justice of our demands ! Man was 
born free : why not woman ? Because of man ! 
Who made her a slave ? Man ! Is it right ? Is it 
just? No! No! No! Woman's instinct fits her 
preeminently to form an opinion — and to voice it. 
Man was born with power. Woman shall acquire 
it. And how ? Through her inane — innate superi- 
ority ! 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 41 

Mrs. Tompkins. 

[In ecstasy.] Oh, Angelica, you are wonderful! 
Wonderful ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Hitch your motor to a star, Viola, and invite your 
husband to ride with you when you see fit. But 
always keep your own hand on the wheel. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
How poetically you put things, Angelica ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
This is the Age of Woman! Seize your oppor- 
tunities! Assert your rights! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Who has become visibly excited by the ivords of 
Mrs. Sturtevant, jumping up.] I'll do it! I'll 
do it! [Looking about helplessly.] What'll I do? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Pointing imperiously towards dressmaker's box.] 
Put on the garb of independence — of freedom ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Suddenly becoming very limp; in frightened 
voice.] Now? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Resolutely.] Now. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Clasping her hands in nervous terror.] Before 
you? And T. Gordon? Oh, there's sure to be a 
terrible scene! 



42 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Calmly and deliberately.] Victory was never 
won without a struggle. I shall stand by you. You 
will need my moral support. [Mrs. Tompkins ap- 
pears to grow smaller in her terror. ] The hour for 
action has arrived. 

[Mrs. Sturtevant sweeps majestically to- 
wards dressmaker's box and, bringing it to 
divan, proceeds to undo it. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Hovering about in restless nervousness.] Oh, 
I'm afraid. Nick will be furious. Oh, dear, — oh, 
dear. What shall I do ? What shall I do ? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Sternly.] You will be firm now, or eternal sup- 
pression will be your fate. 

[Draws forth from box a bright cerise wrap 
of latest Parisian importation. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[As Mrs. Sturtevant holds up wrap.] Oh! 
[Clasping her hands in childish ecstasy.] Oh, isn't 
it beautiful ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Practically.] Put it on. 

[Holds it up for Mrs. Tompkins to slip into. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Slips into it eagerly; looking down upon it and 
turning about at various angles. ] Oh ! Oh ! I've 
never had anything so gorgeous ! 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 43 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Regarding her through lorgnettes.] Now you 
begin to look human. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Runs to mirror to regard herself; in ecstasy.] 
Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! [Hearing men's voices from the 
billiard room, becomes suddenly frightened.] Oh! 
[Looks about for a place to hide.] Oh! I can't 
face Nick. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Sternly.] Viola! Comeback. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Pausing; trembling.] Oh, Angelica! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Remember the scene last night. Do you want it 
repeated ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Hesitatingly.] N-o, but [Looking at her- 
self in the mirror again. ] Oh, it's getting brighter, 
Angelica ! It's getting brighter every minute ! 
And I know Nick. It will be like waving a red 
flag before a bull ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Coldly.] Then take the bull by the horns. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Still regarding herself intently in the mirror.] 
This looks so much brighter at home. [Turning to 
Mrs. Sturtevant with guilty hesitation.] An- 
gelica, I don't believe it's the same. I'm going 



44 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

back and tell them they've given me the wrong 
one 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Severely.] They've made no mistake, Viola. 
Now call your husband. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Looking about, as a caged animal] Oh! I'm 
getting so weak! [Appealingly.] Really, An- 
gelica, I'm not well. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 

[Relentlessly.] Put on the dauntless spirit of 
resolution. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Looking about helplessly.] My spirit's all right, 
but my knees wabble. Oh, if I only had something 
to brace me up ! 

[Totters to chair, by which she supports 
herself. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Catching sight of decanter of whiskey on table 
by fireplace; going towards it.] Here, my dear, 
this will strengthen you. 

[Takes up decanter and glass. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, Nick doesn't approve of women drinking. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Rouring generous measure of whiskey into glass 
and filling remainder of glass with soda.] All the 
more reason why you should take it. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 45 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
I feel so weak. You see, I didn't eat any break- 
fast. I was so upset. {Drinking, choking and 
couahina.] Oh, it's wretched stuff! 



Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Drink it ; — every drop. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Again attacking zuhiskey.] Oh, Angelica, you 
are a wonderful woman ! You could make any- 
body do anything. [Again regarding herself in 
mirror.] You know nothing but a complete state 
of intoxication would make me feel comfortable in 
this wrap, Angelica. [Shaking glass.] This isn't 
so bad when you get used to it. [Laughs happily.] 
My knees are beginning to stiffen already. It gives 
you a sort of cozy feeling, doesn't it ? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Smiling in satisfaction as she sees Mrs. Tomp- 
kins regain her composure.] I trust it will give 
you strength to abide by your resolution. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Recollecting.] My resolution? Oh, yes, my 
resolution. [Taking stand in middle of room.] 
This is the hour for action. [Draining glass.] 
U-m. It's wonderful what that has done for me. 
[Laughing rather foolishly.] You know, Angelica, 
I've always thought I was a born sport, — but I've 
never had a chance. I'd like to break loose, and hit 
the high places. I'd like to sow some w T ild oats. 
[Getting rather noisy.] Why shouldn't a woman 
sow wild oats? Man does it. 



46 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

[Voices off stage indicate the approach of 

the men from the billiard room. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[In low voice, taking Mrs. Tompkins by the 
arm.] Come into the hall, by dear. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Resisting.] What for? I'm not afraid. 
[Waving her arm in fearless manner.] The hour 
for action has arrived. 

Mrs, Sturtevant. 

No! No! We must make an impressive en- 
trance in order that Tompkins may get the full 
effect. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 

[Gaily.] All right! The full effect. [Laugh- 
ing.] Oh, I was never so happy! The hour for 
action 



[Mrs. Sturtevant draws her through door 
u. r. Enter Tompkins rather gingerly, 
followed by Sturtevant. 

Tompkins. 
[Looking about.] They've gone up to Viola's 
room, most likely. [Going to desk, and regarding 
picture.] Well, that's all over. [Sighs with relief. 

Sturtevant. 
What's all over? 

Tompkins. 
Our little lovers' quarrel. They make life all the 
sweeter. [Putting thumbs in armholes of vest.] 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 47 

Ah, Sturtevant, you ought to take lessons from me. 
[With wave of hand.] A little cloud makes the 
sunshine all the brighter. Viola loves me again. 

[Waves his hand towards his photo on the 
desk. 

Sturtevant. 
And how do you know that, pray ? 

Tompkins. 
[Drawing Sturtevant towards the desk.] See 
that picture ? 

Sturtevant. 
[Adjusting his eye-glasses.] Why, it's you. I 
don't see anything so wonderful about that. 

Tompkins. 
Don't, eh? Well, that registers the temperature 
of the house. 

Sturtevant. 
Eh? 

Tompkins. 
Yes, sir, the temperature, — figuratively speaking. 
When all is serene I stand so. [Placing photo in 
upright position.] When there's a cyclone I'm in 
the dust, — so. [Putting photo face downwards on 
desk.] You know, — like the old Romans. [Point- 
ing thumbs downwards.] Die. [Pointing thumbs 
upwards.] Live. Pretty little idea of Viola's, 
isn't it ? 

Sturtevant. 
Well, I'll be 



48 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Tompkins. 
[Pointing to photo.] I found myself so when I 

came home ; but time, — and the roses, you see 

[Restores photo to upright position, and stalks 
proudly about room.] It's pretty nice to feel that 

you have a dutiful, obedient wife [Halting 

to regard photo complacently; his back to entrance 
u. r.] Eh, old boy? 

[Slaps Sturtevant on back. Immediate 
entrance of Mrs. Tompkins wearing the 
cerise wrap. Her attitude is that of 
bravado. Mrs. Sturtevant, with a 
haughty society air, follows. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Tripping airily down front; jovially.] Hello, 
boys! 

[Mr. Sturtevant, catching sight of her, 
starts back in surprise. 

Tompkins. 
[Before turning; tenderly.] My darling! [Last 
syllable lost in startled amazement as he tarns and 
sees the apparition.] Holy horrors! [Staggering 
backwards.] What's this? 

[Mrs. Tompkins stands in the middle of the 
stage regarding first one and then another 
with an air of complete self-possession, 
and with a childlike smile of innocence. 
Mr. Sturtevant looks from one to an- 
other in bewilderment. Mr. Tompkins, 
speechless with anger and amazement, is 
choking; Mrs. Sturtevant calmly looks 
on with the air of a general who has abso- 
lute command of his ground. In the fol- 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NO IV 49 

lowing scene Mrs. Tompkins has an air of 
childlike naivete. She is never ruffled; 
maintains an attitude of complete assur- 
ance, and smiles innocently and confidingly 
when we would expect her to be terrified. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Looking up into the face of Mr. Tompkins with 
a confiding smile. ] Your little wif ey, dear. [ Turn- 
ing to Mr. Sturtevant, extends her hand in wel- 
come. ] Hello, T. Gordon! Isn't it a lovely day 
for the races ! What yer betting on ? 

Sturtevant. 
[Looking in embarrassment from the wrathful 
Tompkins to the stolid Mrs. Sturtevant.] Eh? — 
er — hum. [To Mrs. Sturtevant.] What am I 
betting on, my dear ? 

Tompkins. 
[Bursting forth in volcanic anger.] Viola! 
What — what is the meaning of this? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Innocently.] This? What? 

Tompkins. 
[Pointing to wrap.] That! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Feigning bewilderment.] That? Oh, my 

frock [With sweet smile.] How do you like 

it, dear? [To Mr. Sturtevant.] You like it, 
don't you, T. Gordon? 

[Holding it out with each hand and turning 
about. 



50 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Sturtevant. 
[Looking anxiously at Tompkins.] It's a little 
bright, Viola. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Severely, to Mr. Sturtevant.] T. Gordon, it 
is not bright. 

Sturtevant. 
[Apologetically.'] No — no, certainly not, my 
dear. It isn't bright, but you see Nick might think 

it was a little bright, and I — you see 

[Mrs. Sturtevant takes him by arm and 
leads him up stage, apparently instructing 
him. Up stage, they engage in whispered 
conversation, or rather Mrs. Sturtevant 
carries on the conversation, Mr. Sturte- 
vant trying to remonstrate at first, but 
finally settling into acquiescent attitude; 
Mrs. Sturtevant keeping always a watch- 
ful eye on Mr. and Mrs. Tompkins. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[To Tompkins, with confiding smile.] You don't 
think it's too bright, do you, dearest? 

Tompkins. 
Bright! It looks like — like [spluttering] the 
devil ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Looking down upon herself with surprise.] Oh ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
He's thinking of Faust, my love. Per-haps it is 
a bit Mephistophelian in tint. [Uses lorgnettes. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 5 1 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, I just love Me-es-sof-er-lees. [Her tongue 
gets twisted about zvord.] " For he's a jolly good 
fellow." 

[Holding out her coat and taking a dance 
step, sings snatch of song: "For he's a 
Jolly Good Fellow." 

Tompkins. 
[Unable to restrain his anger.} Stop that! 
[Mrs. Tompkins halts in innocent surprise.] Take 
that off! [Points to wrap.} Take it off! [Mrs. 
Tompkins looks up into his face, laughing tantaliz- 
ingly.] Take it off, I say. [Mrs. Tompkins 
laughs, throws him a kiss and turns away wilfidly.] 
Viola, take that off. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[With a toss of her head, laughs, runs to piano 
and sings, playing air with one hand.} "Oh, 
Nicholas, don't be ridiculous.''* 

[Mr. Sturtevant looks on half-amused, 
half-anxious, trying to listen to his zvife 
and the other two at the same time. Mrs. 
Sturtevant retains attitude of stolid dig- 
nity throughout. 

Tompkins. 
[To Sturtevant in bewilderment.'] What's 
gotten into the woman? [Turning suddenly upon 
his wife in desperation.} Will you take off that 
vile, infamous, obscene garment ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[To Mrs. Sturtevant in amazement.} I don't 



52 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

think he likes it. [To Tompkins, indifferently.] 
No, darling. I'm going to wear it to the races. 
Really it will be a lovely touch of color 

Tompkins. 
[Thundering voice.} Viola, do you refuse to 
obey me? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Obey? [Putting her hand to head in thought.} 
What foreign word is that? Obey? [Looking up 
with smile.} I know it not. 

[Mrs. Sturtevant nods head in approval. 

Tompkins. 
You've known it until this hour. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[With sudden recollection, and wave of her 
hand.} This hour! Ah, this is woman's hour! 
[Comes down stage.] This is the hour for action! 
Eh, Angelica? 

[Mrs. Sturtevant nods smilingly. Mrs. 
Tompkins skips gaily to the mirror and 
regards herself with satisfaction. 

Sturtevant. 
[To Mrs. Sturtevant, in whispered voice of 
remonstrance.] My dear 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Severely.] Not a word, T. Gordon. This is 
Viola's affair. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 53 

Tompkins. 
[To Mrs. Sturtevant.] You are responsible 
for this ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[With hauteur.] I am responsible for nothing 
but what is right. 

Tompkins. 
[To Sturtevant.] Sturtevant, your wife must 
keep out of this. 

Sturtevant. 
[Humorously.] If you can keep her out of any- 
thing I'll give you — my seat on the Stock Exchange. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
T. Gordon, this is no time for levity. 

Sturtevant. 

[Dryly.] There doesn't seem to be much of it 
about. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 

That's enough. Come with me — I want to talk 
to you. 

Sturtevant. 
[Squelched.] Oh, certainly, my dear — certainly. 
[They go up stage, where Mrs. Sturtevant 
talks to Mr. Sturtevant seriously. 

Tompkins. 
[Arrogantly, to Mrs. Tompkins, who is admir- 
ing herself in the mirror.] Viola, come here! 



54 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Looking at him over her shoulder, indifferently.] 
Uh? 

Tompkins. 
[Pointing to floor in front of him.] Come right 
here. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Trying to puff her hair.] I'd rather stay here, 
old chap. 

Tompkins. 
[Furiously.] Don't you call me " old chap." 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Regarding herself studiously in mirror.] Well, 
you are getting on, you know. 

Tompkins. 
[Imperiously.] Come here! 

Mrs. Tompkins, 
[Coming half-way.] Meet yer half-way. 

[Laughing. 

Tompkins. 
I shall not take a step from this spot until you 
remove that garment. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Poor old chap ! How'll you Have your meals 
served? Standing, or sitting? 

[Sturtevant bursts into a laugh. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 55 

Tompkins. 
Shut up, Sturtevant! This is no laughing 
matter. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Deprecatingly.] Really, T. Gordon, your lack 
of tact is most lamentable. 

[Sturtevant puts hand to mouth apologetic- 
ally to hide smile. Mrs. Sturtevant 
maintains attitude of stolid dignity. 

Tompkins. 
[To Mrs. Tompkins, severely.] For the last 
time, Viola, what is the meaning of such actions? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Innocently.] Actions? What actions, dearest? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[With superior air.] Actions speak louder than 
words. 

Tompkins. 
We'll do with such trifling. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Trifling ! 

Tompkins. 
[To Mrs. Tompkins.] What do you mean by 
flaunting such a thing before me? What do you 
mean by this insolent attitude? Never — never be- 
fore have you disregarded my wishes 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Shaking her head regretfully.] Think of all 
that time wasted ! 



56 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Tompkins. 
[Sternly.] Viola, I am your husband. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Lifting her hand in protest.] Oh, please — don't 
chide me with the faults of my youth — I was 
young ; — I knew not what I did. 

Tompkins. 
In your marriage vow you promised to love, 
honor and obey me. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
I sneezed on the last word. 

[Mrs. Sturtevant interrupts a laugh from 
Mr. Sturtevant with a severe reprimand. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Gordon! [Sturtevant subsides. 

Tompkins. 
[Desperately.] For the last time, will you or 
will you not take off that garment? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Softly.] Not, my gentle spouse. 

Tompkins. 
[Buttoning up his coat.] Then you are no wife 
of mine. 



kins 



Sturtevant. 
[Trying to remonstrate.] Oh, I say, Tomp- 



[Mrs. Sturtevant pulls him into the back- 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW S7 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Smiling innocently at Tompkins.] Thus endeth 
the chapter on Matrimony. 

[Picks up her skirts and starts to leave the 
room. 

Sturtevant. 
[Starts towards Tompkins; with anxiety.] Oh, 
I say, Nick. [Turns towards Mrs. Tompkins.] 
Viola! [She stops and turns.'] This is carrying 
things too far ! Great Scott, Viola, think of all the 
years you have been married ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
My memory won't go back so far. 

Sturtevant. 
[Turning appealingly to Tompkins.] Nick, old 
man, you're making an ass of yourself. 

Tompkins. 
[Fiercely.] Don't confuse me with yourself. 

Sturtevant. 
[Turning from one to the other, and finally ap- 
pealing to Mrs. Sturtevant.] But dress is such 
a silly thing to 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
T. Gordon, you know there is nothing so sacred 
to a woman 

Sturtevant. 
[Conciliatingly.] Oh, of course — in a superficial 
way, my dear, but 



58 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Reprovingly. ] Gordon ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 

How would you like to be dressed like a grand- 
mother ? 

Sturtevant. 

Why, — bless my soul 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Well, I guess somebody had better bless your 
soul. 

Sturtevant. 
I'm a man of peace. 

Tompkins. 
Then keep out of this. [To Mrs. Tompkins; 
going to her.] Am I to understand that you de- 
liberately refuse to dress as I wish ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[With smile of encouragement.] You're just be- 
ginning to grasp it, dear. [With flourish of arm.] 
This is the Age of Woman! The Ren, — Rene, — 
the Renovation of Woman! [With naive smile.] 
No more russet browns, — no more misty grays, — 
no more mulberry purples, — no more 

Tompkins. 

[Furiously.] When you drop those colors you 
drop me, too ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[With tantalizing sang-froid.] You might leave 
your latch-key on the table as you pass out, dearie. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 59 

Tompkins. 
[Driven to desperation.] I will pass out ! [Starts 
blindly towards stairs. Sturtevant attempts to 
remonstrate, but Mrs. Sturtevant draws him back 
firmly. ] And I won't pass in again until you come 
to your senses. [Rushing and stumbling up stairs.] 
I'll teach you a lesson.* 

[Hurrying towards door at r. of landing. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Looking after him, with aggravating, smiling 
serenity.] We might exchange lessons, darling. 

Tompkins. 
[His hand on the door handle.] I'll teach you 
who is master in this house ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Gently.] You forget Uncle Simpson's gener- 
osity. 

Tompkins. 
Uncle Simpson be hanged ! 

[Goes into room precipitantly, slamming door 
violently behind him. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 

Nich-olas should learn self-control, shouldn't he, 
Angelica, dear? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Going to divan, and sitting in dignified rigidity.] 
He has much to learn, my dear. 

[Sturtevant shows bewildered perturbation. 



60 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Sturtevant. 
[Seriously.] See here, Angelica, — and Viola, 
too. You have carried this too far. This is no way 
to handle a man. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Looking at him through her lorgnettes.] And 
pray what do you know about handling a man? I 
think I may be considered an authority on that 
subject. 

Sturtevant. 
[Dryly.] Perhaps you are right, my dear. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[With superiority.] Certainly I am right. [To 
Mrs. Tompkins.] I am proud of you, my dear. 
Your tactics are worthy of a woman of intelligence. 
Be firm in your resolution, whatever the price. 

Sturtevant. 
[Going to Mrs. Sturtevant; with determina- 
tion.] Angelica, you have no right to meddle with 
other people's affairs. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Somebody must do it, — and who more capable 
than I ? [Severely.] T. Gordon, I am surprised at 
your want of Christian charity. Doesn't the Bible 
tell us to help a fellow-creature in distress, — to 
succor the weak and downtrodden? Isn't Viola a 
living example of that? For how many years has 
she submitted to the yoke of tyranny ! For how 
many years has she been the oppressed, — the victim 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 6l 

of man's cruel, selfish, domineering egotism! For 
how many years 

Sturtevant. 
[Throwing up his hands in helpless despair.] 
Oh, Lord, Angelica, have it your own way ! 

[IValks away. A commotion is heard from 
the direction of the room on the landing. 
All three turn and listen. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[In a whisper.} He's coming. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Remember your determination. 

[The door is jerked open, and Tompkins 
appears, very red in the face, and carrying 
in his arms and hands a tangled mass of 
wearing apparel and toilet articles, which 
appear to have been gathered up in haste. 
In the collection may be distinguished 
pajamas, bedroom slippers, a tooth-brush, 
a hair-brush, a pipe, a rain-coat, an um- 
brella, a silk hat and a suit-case. 

Tompkins. 
[Mumbling in anger as he rushes headlong across 
landing and down stairs.] Now we'll see if she'll 
come to her senses ! We'll see who's master ! 

[Drops several articles as he descends stairs. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Going to his assistance.] You dropped some- 
thing, dear. 

[Picks up articles and hands them to him. 



62 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Tompkins. 
[Trying to take them puts tooth-brush over one 
ear to disengage hand.] I'm quite able to look 
after myself ! 

[Snatches things from her, dropping more 
things in doing so, 

Sturtevant. 
[Picking them up and handing them gingerly to 
Tompkins.] Dropped something, old man. 

Tompkins. 
[Puts bedroom slippers into pockets and snatches 
things viciously from Sturtevant. To Mrs. 
Tompkins.] Now, madam, is your last chance. 

[Kneels on floor trying to open suit-case, 
jerking at it impatiently, and mumbling in 
anger at his inability to open it. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Soothingly, as to a child.] Let me help you, 
dear. 

Tompkins. 
[Pushing case towards her impatiently.] I don't 
need your help. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Opening case deftly.] There! 

[Tompkins, gathering up articles and rising 
without putting them in case, walks about 
angrily, dropping things from time to 
time. Mrs. Tompkins and Mr. Sturte- 
vant gather them up, and restore them, 
as to a spoiled child. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 63 

Tompkins. 
[Looking at Mrs. Tompkins, as if he expected 
her to drop on her knees in repentance.] Well, 
madam, I'm going. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Looking him over, and smiling.] So it seems, 
dear. 

Tompkins. 
You needn't " dear " me. I'm through with it. 

[Starts towards entrance u. R. 

Sturtevant. 
[Going after Tompkins, and patting him sooth- 
ingly on the shoulder.'] Now, see here, Nick, this 
is no way to handle a woman. 

Tompkins. 
[Sneering.] I suppose I should follow your ex- 
ample and be a nice little Fido. 

Sturtevant. 
What! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[With a cold stare.] Well, really, Mr. Tompkins. 
[To Mr. Sturtevant.] A man in a rage is not 
responsible, dear. We must make allowances. 

Tompkins. 
Rage! Who's in a rage? [To Sturtevant.] 
I'll thank you for keeping out of my affairs — [to 
Mrs. Sturtevant] and you, too, madam. 



64 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 

[Rising with dignity.] Come, T. Gordon, we are 

not here to be insulted, when we wish to help. 

These domestic scenes are really too — too bourgeois. 

[Goes towards entrance, Mr. Sturtevant 

lingering anxiously behind. 

Tompkins. 
[Coming back to middle of room, to Mrs. 
Tompkins.] And as for you, madam, you have 
just the time it takes me to get from here to the 
door to take off that rag, apologize and promise to 
dress as a respectable woman should. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Really I'm not equal to such an acrobatic stunt. 
[Suddenly to Mrs. Sturtevant.] Angelica, where 
do you get your gowns ? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[With superior air.] Oh, all my gowns come 
from Paris. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[With determination.] So shall mine. [Going 
quickly towards telephone closet.] I'm for Paris! 
[The others look at each other and at her 
in speechless amazement. 

Sturtevant. 
[With gasp.] What! 

Tompkins. 
[ Under his breath. ] Paris ! 

[Mrs. Sturtevant looks at Tompkins with 
an expression of satisfied generalship. 



SHE KNOWS SETTER NOW 65 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Getting telephone book, hurriedly turning pages 
in search of number, smiling joyfully.] No more 
American-made dresses ! No more russet browns ! 

No more missionary bonnets ! No more 

Hello ! Hello, Central, — give me Paris. Oh, no, — 
give me the Atlantic Ocean. What — I want to go 
to Paris. Oh, — a boat? Yes, — of course. Yes. — 
Well, give me a boat. — I'm in a dreadful hurry. — 
What ? — Oh, I don't care, — any line what's swell. — 
What? Give me a French line, — one that speaks 
good French. I must learn the language on the 
way. 

Sturtevant. 
[Going quickly to Tompkins, who appears stupe- 
fied.] Good Heavens, Tompkins! You'd better 
look after her. 

Tompkins. 
[Rushing up to telephone, and attempting to take 
it from her. ] Viola, are you mad ? 

[Mrs. Sturtevant retains attitude of stolid 
dignity throughout excitement of men. 
She nods her head occasionally in ap- 
proval; otherwise shows no emotion. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Turning away from Mr. Tompkins, speaking 
sweetly into 'phone.] Hello! Hello! [To Tomp- 
kins.] It is you who are mad. [Into 'phone.] 
Oh, that wasn't for you. — I want to go to Paris. — 
Not until to-morrow? Oh, dear, couldn't you pos- 
sibly get one to-night? 



66 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

[Mr. Sturtevant bustles from Mrs. 
Sturtevant to Mr. Tompkins in his anx- 
iety to smooth matters out. 

Sturtevant. 
[Going to Mrs. Sturtevant.] Angelica, you've 
got to stop this. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Stop this ? What have I to do with it ? 

[He expostulates with her in pantomime. 

Tompkins. 
[In thundering voice to Mrs. Tompkins.] Put 
down that telephone ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Do you think you are speaking to a dog? [Into 
telephone.] Oh, I was only speaking to my hus- 
band. I wouldn't talk to you like that. — No, in- 
deed. There's a boat to-morrow? I'll take it. — 
Sails early? That's good. [To Mr. Tompkins.] 
I can't get away quick enough. 

Tompkins. 
You'll do nothing of the sort. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
I want a nice stateroom with southern exposure. 

Tompkins. 
If you go, you go alone. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Certainly I go alone. I've had enough of being 
handcuffed to a husband. [Into telephone.] What 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 67 

kind of staterooms? What? De Luxe? Are they 
proper for ladies travelling alone? — Oh, they are? 
Then you may give me plenty of " de luxe." No, 
send them up by a messenger boy. Mrs. Viola 
Tompkins. [To others.] How I hate that name! 
[Into 'phone.] Would I like to change it? [To 
Tompkins.] I may, later. [Into 'phone.] It's 
Tompkins, — now. Yes, Brooklyn. — Oh, no, 129 
Park Avenue. — Oh, yes, I'm sure. You see I 
haven't lived here very long. — What? You should 
judge not? [To others.] Now, what does he 
mean by that? [Into telephone.] What do you 
mean? [Pause.] He's gone. Well, [smiling at 
others] you may send me flowers to-morrow morn- 
ing. I'm off for Paris ! Tra la la la la la. 

Tompkins. 
[Suddenly very calm.] You intend to do this, 
do you, Viola? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Why, of course. 

Tompkins. 
Very well, — I'm through with you — for all time. 

[Turns to go out. 

Sturtevant. 
[Rushing up to him in anxiety.] Now, Nick. 
[Patting him soothingly on the shoulder. Turning 
to Mrs. Tompkins, does the same.] Now, Viola. 
You mustn't do this. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Gordon ! 



68 SHE KNOWS BETTER NO IV 

Sturtevant. 
Angelica, you must help patch this up. [To 
Tompkins.] Nick, let her have her own way. 

Tompkins. 
And go against my principles? Never! 

Sturtevant. 
[To Mrs. Tompkins.] Viola, what does it mat- 
ter how you dress — at your age ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
At my age ! At my age ! 

Sturtevant. 
Well, you know what I mean. If you were a 
young girl — er — trying to catch Nick 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Laughing.] Trying to catch him! Trying to 
lose him! 

Sturtevant. 

[Turning to Mrs. Sturtevant.] Angelica, it is 
silly, isn't it? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Silly ! Of course it is silly. 

Sturtevant. 
There you see Angelica says so, too. [To Mrs. 
Sturtevant.] You'd dress just like Viola, if I 
asked you to, wouldn't you, darling ? 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 69 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[In horror.] Make such a fright of myself? 
Never ! 

Sturtevant. 
[In despair.] Oh, Lord! [Appealingly.] I'm 
a man of peace, and 

Tompkins. 
Then this is no place for you. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Come, T. Gordon, we will talk this over in the 
privacy of our own home. 

[Starts towards entrance hall, followed by 
Mr. Sturtevant. 

Sturtevant. 
[Turning to Tompkins.] Oh, but it is too bad 
to miss the races. We were going to have such a 
good time. 

Tompkins. 
Confound the races ! 

Sturtevant. 
[Throwing up his hands in despair as he follows 
Mrs. Sturtevant.] Gone! With Simpson's 
soups ! [Exit. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Running after them and calling.] Oh, Angelica, 
I want those dressmakers' addresses. 



70 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 

I'll be back, dear, — after I talk to T. Gordon. 

[Mrs. and Mr. Tompkins regard each other 

a moment in silence, Mr. Tompkins in 

anger and Mrs. Tompkins sweetly serene. 

Tompkins. 
I suppose you realize what you are doing ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Perfectly. I'm going to have the time of my 
life ! I'm going to sow my wild oats, — sow them 
all over Europe. I'm going to live — for the first 
time. 

Tompkins. 

[Hurriedly and viciously pushing clothes into 

suit-case, and jamming silk hat on his head, bolts 

towards door.] You may send your apologies to 

the club in the morning. [Exit. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Calling after him.] I wouldn't look for special 
deliveries. [Outer door slams. Throwing up her 
arms in glee, and running to bell rings.] Oh, this 
is such fun ! [Runs about room in excitement, 
stops to admire herself in glass.] Paris! [With 
deep sigh.] Ah! [Seeing Tompkins' photo on 
piano, frowns, goes to it and places it face down- 
wards. Enter Delia.] My trunks, Delia. 

Delia. 
[In surprise.] Your thrunks, is it? 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 7 1 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Laughing joyously, and imitating Delia's 
brogue^] Me thrunks it is, to be shure, Delia — I'm 
afther lavin'. [Runs up stairs.] I'm afther taking 
the next steamer to Europe — to Paris. [Opening 
door of room at r. of landing.] To anywhere but 
Brooklyn — and I'm going — alone, Delia ! 

[Exits u. l. singing any popular air. 

Delia. 
[Alone.] Glory be to God! What'll become of 
us all? [Makes sign of the cross. 



CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE. — The same; time, early September. 

The rise of curtain discovers room in a semi-closed 
condition. The hangings at window l. have 
been drawn back to let in the daylight, but 
window on landing is still darkened. Delia is 
busily engaged in removing furniture coverings. 
The impression given should be that of hurried 
preparation for opening a closed room. On 
small table at r. c. is an open box of American 
Beauty roses; besides it a vase. Removing the 
last covering, Delia puts it with a pile of others 
on the floor up stage. She arranges the roses 
in vase, puts the card in a conspicuous place 
among them, and places vase on desk-table at 
l. c. She then hurries up the stairs and draws 
back the hangings over window upon landing 
above. As she is drawing the cord the door- 
bell rings, — one long and two short rings. 

Delia. 

[Starting with a cry of joy.] It's hersilf it is! 

[Quickly descending stairs, Delia dusts her 

hands together, gives her apron a jerk, 

her cap a poke, and runs excitedly tozvards 

entrance. Mrs. Tompkins' voice is heard 

in the outer' hall; and she immediately 

enters, followed by Chesterton, Delia 

bustling after them in excitement and 

72 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 73 

pleasure. Mrs. Tompkins is dressed in a 
steamer coat of conspicuous black and 
white check, a large hat hidden by a heavy 
chiffon veil, a face veil partially concealing 
her face. She carries a square leather toilet 
case and a parasol of cerise, the handle of 
which represents a large green parrot's 
head. Chesterton is a pompous and im- 
pressive-looking English butler. He car- 
ries a much-labelled suit-case and a hold- 
all 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Hesitates at entrance, then comes unsteadily 
down stage, seises the back of a chair, and sighs.] 
Ho-hum ! 

[Chesterton remains motionless at u. R. 

Delia. 
[Fluttering about Mrs. Tompkins.] Shure an' 
it's that glad I am to see you back it's like the 
sunshine comin' into a dungeon, mum. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Thank you, Delia — although you are not exactly 
complimentary to the house. 

[Looks about languidly. 

Delia. 
Will I take your things, mum? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Yielding bag and parasol] Let me get my 
bearings first. 

[Sinks limply into chair beside small table. 
Delia takes things into hall and returns 



74 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

immediately, standing solicitously over 
Mrs. Tompkins who throws back her veil 
and puts her hand to her forehead. 

Delia. 
It's not sick you are, mum? — an' afther three 
months in Europe? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Delia, is this floor steady ? 

Delia. 
[Surprised.] Steady, is it? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Doesn't it go a little this way — and that? 

[Illustrates with her hands the pitching of a 
boat. 

Chesterton. 
[Who has remained in one position since entering 
the room, with superior manner, and with a strong 
English accent.] I think madam still feels the 
motion of the steamer. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[With expression of repugnance, rolling her head 
from side to side. ] Ugh ! That boat ! 

[Delia, who in her joy over the return of 
Mrs. Tompkins, has been almost oblivious 
of the presence of Chesterton, now gazes 
at him with an expression of awe and 
admiration. 

Chesterton. 
Might I suggest something to calm madam's 
nerves ? 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 7$ 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Yes, suggest whiskey and soda — it's the one thing 
that brought me across the Atlantic alive. 

Chesterton. 
Quite so, madam. [ To Delia, loftily. ] Whiskey 
and soda, my good woman. 

Delia. 

[With a little curtsey of civility.] Yis, me lord. 
[Mrs. Tompkins looks up on hearing Delia's 
words, and turns towards Chesterton, regarding 
both in amusement.] Will I take yer things, me 
lord? 

[Extends hands eagerly as Chesterton gives 
her his luggage with an air of flattered 
condescension. 

Chesterton. 
If you please. 

[Delia takes luggage and starts up stage. 

Delia. 
The best guest room, mum ? 

Mrs. Tompkins, 
[Smiles in delight, and now speaks in imitation 
of Chesterton's pronunciation.] Dear me, Delia, 
I quite forgot to introduce Chesterton, my new 
butler. [Delia turns in surprise and indignation, 
regarding first Mrs. Tompkins and then Chester- 
ton.] Chesterton, you will find Delia most amia- 
ble 



;6 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Delia. 
[Throwing luggage at Chesterton's feet.] But- 
ler, is it ? Thin ye'll carry yer own bundles. 

[Chesterton starts back in disapproval, 
looking askance at Mrs. Tompkins. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
— most amiable when you know her. Delia, you 
will show Chesterton his quarters — the third floor 
back. 

[Delia's attitude has now changed to sullen 
reproach as she regards the interloper. 

Delia. 
[Starting off stage.] Come along wid ye, thin. 
[Exit. Chesterton hesitates, looking at his 
baggage, then bending stiffly, picks it up 
with dignity and turns to follow Delia. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Smiling at Chesterton naively, showing her 
delight and satisfaction.] Come down as soon as 
you can, Chesterton. The Count is coming to call 
and I want him to see you in your new position. 

[During the play Mrs. Tompkins in her 
scenes with Chesterton endeavors to imi- 
tate his English accent. It is only when 
under great excitement that she forgets 
and lapses into her own speech. 

Chesterton. 
[Bowing.] Very good, madam. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
It was so good of him to loan you to me. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 77 

Chesterton. 
[Bowing with condescension.] It will be a pleas- 
ure to be employed by you, madam, I'm sure, but — 
[peering into hall] but this woman, I fear 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Don't mind her, Chesterton; a little natural 
jealousy. 

Chesterton. 
Quite so, madam. I think I can manage her. 

Delia. 
[Her head appearing around the corner.] Are 
ye comin' ? If ye're not ye'd better hurry up. 

[Chesterton follozvs Delia very stiffly, 
Mrs. Tompkins looking after him in evi- 
dent satisfaction, Mrs. Tompkins rises, 
looks about languidly, wanders aimlessly 
about room, apparently deep in thought. 
Still walking about, she proceeds to remove 
her veil, revealing a showy hat. She now 
endeavors to extricate her head from the 
many hat-pins. Taking them out one by 
one, she puts them between her teeth as 
she searches for more, lifting her hat after 
each removal to see if there are any more 
offering resistance. Finally, holding at 
least ten large jezvelled hat- pins betzveen 
her teeth, she lifts the hat from her head, 
which is a mass of blonde curls and puffs, 
and about which is fastened a broad 
bandeau. She goes to the mirror to admire 
herself. Taking the pins from her mouth, 
one by one she replaces them tenderly in 



yS SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

the hat, studying herself carefully the 
while in the mirror, and humming happily. 
As she puts in the last pin with an affec- 
tionate little pat, she tosses the hat onto a 
chair, and, again turning to the mirror, 
makes a low curtsey. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Laughing softly.] Countess De la Nochebuena. 
[Throws back her head, laughing happily. Look- 
ing about cautiously she starts to open her coat, 
which she has kept until now closely buttoned. Re- 
garding herself in the mirror, she eagerly and guiltily 
throws it back, and the audience sees reflected in 
the mirror a flash of bright colors. A noise off 
stage is heard. Mrs. Tompkins gives a start, and 
cry of guilty fear, and quickly refastens her coat, 
as Delia enters from butler's pantry bearing a tray 
upon which are whiskey, a siphon of soda, a bowl 
of cracked ice and a glass: This Delia places upon 
the small table at r. c, Mrs. Tompkins sinking 
rather limply into the chair beside it. In the pres- 
ence of Delia she drops her affectation and be- 
comes her old self, as seen in Act I. Fixes whiskey 
and soda, with a sigh of relief.] Ah, Delia, it seems 
good to be home. 

Delia. 
[With a heavy sigh.] But it's no home at all it is 
widout a man, mum. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Smiling dreamily.] Perhaps there'll be a man — 
soon. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 79 

Delia. 
[Delighted.] Thin Mr. Tompkins'll be afther 
comin' back? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Frozvning.] Don't mention his name. [Delia 
draws back in surprise.] Have you heard anything 
from him? 

Delia. 
[Sadly.] He's sorrowin' for you that bad it'd 
make yer heart ache — the good man. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Sorrowing ? How ? What do you mean ? 

Delia. 

Shure he comes in and wanders through the 
house like a ghost out of his grave 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Didn't I tell you not to let him in? 

Delia. 
You did, mum, but it's his own latch-key he has, 
and I niver know whin he'll spring up. It's dead 
entirely I am wid the fright. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
How dare he come here ? 

Delia. 
He's that lonesome, he is. He talks about you 
and picks up the little things that were yours. Ah, 
shure it'd make your heart ache, mum. You'll be 
afther lettin' him come back, mum? 



80 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Weakly.] No-o. Never. 

Delia. 
[Bitterly.] If it wuzn't for that Mrs. Sturtevant 
you'd be livin' together as happy as two lambs. Bad 
cess to her. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Severely.] Delia, remember Mrs. Sturtevant is 
my friend. 

Delia. 
Frind, indade. [With recollection, pointing to- 
wards roses.] Thim flowers might be from her. 
She tiliphoned she'd be here as soon as you got in. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Going towards roses.] Oh, how nice. 

[Door-bell rings. Mrs. Tompkins starts in 
alarm, draws her coat more closely over 
her, and looks about as if she would like 
to hide. 

Delia. 
That may be her now. [Starts towards entrance; 
turns.] Perhaps it's yer gintleman butler ye'd be 
wantin' to open the door. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Nonsense, Delia, you mustn't mind him. He's 
just for style. 

Delia. 
No good iver comes of style. 



SHE KNOWS BE TIER NOW 8 1 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Nobody will ever take your place, Delia. [Re- 
peated rings of door-bell. J Now run along and 
see who it is. 

[Delia exits mumbling. Mrs. Tompkins 
goes to flowers, smells them, takes up card, 
and is examining it as Mrs. Sturtevant, 
with her usual impressive air, enters, 
Delia following and regarding her with 
disapproval as she crosses towards butler's 
pantry. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Advancing ceremoniously.] My dear! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Embracing Mrs. Sturtevant enthusiastically, 
Mrs. Sturtevant submitting with dignity.} Oh, 
Angelica, my love, I am glad to see you. Without 
you I'm like a ship that has lost its compass, you 
know. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
A very pretty simile, I'm sure. It would have 
been my pleasure to have met you at the dock — but 
considering the embarrassment of the customs, I 
deemed it kinder to call upon you here. 

[Sits on divan, in very erect posture. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Looking about nervously.] Don't talk about 
customs. It makes me rickety. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Her eyes brightening expectantly.] Ah, then 
you 



82 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Anxiously.] I have so many things to ask you. 
Tell me about Tompkins. Are we really divorced? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
I don't know that it has been decreed by the 
courts yet, but the papers have been full of it. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, horrible. Was it very sensational? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Oh, dear, no. It scarcely caused a ripple. You 
see, there have been so many " spicy " cases, that 
yours — " Incompatibility " was quite common- 
place — quite commonplace. Then there was no 
scandal you know and — [zvearily] that, of course, 
is very dull, in these days. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Shakes her head.] I never would have done it 
if it hadn't been for you, Angelica. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Patronizingly.] What is a friend for, my dear? 
Don't thank me; — it was my duty to guide you. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
I'm sure it must have been right, because you're 
always right. [Mrs. Sturtevant acknowledges 
the compliment with dignified inclination of the 
head.] I was angry at first, and then gloried in 
my freedom, but now, when I get back here and 
see everything associated with the past — well, I 
have a queer feeling here. [Puts hand over heart. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 83 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Sympathetically.] The sea is very upsetting to 
one's digestion. You'll feel better in a day or two. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
I can't help feeling, after all, that divorce is a 
dreadful thing. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Dreadful ! Viola, don't let anybody hear you say 
that in these days of advanced civilization. That 
idea is quite as antiquated as bonnets and hoop 
skirts. It smacks so of Brooklyn — and such medi- 
aeval spots. My dear, divorce is a godsend. It is 
the safety-valve of matrimony. Without it marriage 
would, indeed, be a dangerous venture. It would 
mean race suicide. And aside from its economic 
value think of its social advantages. It is the 
entering wedge to society. It will be of inestimable 
value to you, who have a reputation and position 
to establish. Why, nearly everybody in good so- 
ciety, in really good society, has been divorced at 
least once. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
You haven't been. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
In my case it wasn't necessary. I, of course, am 
an exception, but I'm an individualist, you know. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Yes, you are wonderful, Angelica, and [with a 
sigh] it makes me feel better to hear you talk like 



84 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

this, because I must confess I have twinges of con- 
science about Tompkins. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Sentimentality, my dear — mere sentimentality; a 
weakness which you must overcome. Remember he 
brought it all on himself. He sought divorce, — not 
you. He made every move. Let him come back 
on his knees and grovel at your feet. Your role is 
to plunge into every gaiety. And, above all, don't 
avoid the society of men. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
That won't be hard. {Getting up and brushing 
her hands together as if washing them of the whole 
affair.] I'll do just as you say, Angelica. Tomp- 
kins no longer exists; — but I must have excitement. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
You'll find enough of that in New York. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Now we'll drop the whole matter. [Fanning 
herself.] My, it's hot in here. Phew! 

[Goes towards window. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Hot ! Why, there seems a decided indication of 
Fall in the air. But tell me about your trip and 
the customs. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Starting guiltily away from the window in 
hushed voice.] Ssh ! That word gives me fever 
and ague. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 85 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
You had trouble ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
{Peering about cautiously.] No, I didn't. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Then they didn't go through your trunks ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
They went through everything, — and found noth- 
ing. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Disappointed.] Oh, you didn't buy anything. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Didn't I? I'll be broke until the end of the 
month. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
But, my dear, how did you get them in if 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Wore them in, Angelica. Wore them in. I'm a 
human innovation trunk. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Looking at her through her lorgnettes.] I never 
should dream such a thing. Your figure seems 
quite — normal. How could you? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Laughing.] Oh, just tightening the hawsers a 
bit, you know. [In pantomime goes through proc- 
ess of drawing up corset lacings; then listens, and 



86 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

looks about to see that nobody is near.] I'll give 
you a demonstration of how Viola hoodwinked 
Uncle Sam. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Oh, do. I'm dying to see what you have bought. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Walking up and down stage, takes a Baedeker 
from her pocket.] Look at me, Angelica. What 
would you say about my appearance ? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Nothing unusual — unless you are a little plumper. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 

Wouldn't you say " traveller " was stamped all 
over me? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
You do resemble that type, to be sure. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Of course. The diligent tourist. Art-for-art's- 
sake type, guide-book in hand — with that unmis- 
takable gallery expression. [Opens book and goes 
through pantomime of following lines with index 
finger as if seeking number, glancing from book to 
walls with that strained, earnest expression so often 
seen on the faces of tourists in foreign galleries.] 
Let me see — 247? Double-starred. [Looking over 
walls anxiously.] 242, 246, 247. [Disappointed 
expression.] That thing! Can't be numbered 
right. Let's see what it says about it. [Reads.] 
" The mouth, the lips, the rose tints of the cheeks — 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 87 

this is not color." [Triumphantly.] Humph, I 
should say not. [Continues reading.} " But actual, 
living flesh." [Dubious expression; looks intently 
at imaginary picture, expression gradually changing 
to one of admiration.] Really? Oh, it's wonder- 
ful, isn't it? So lifelike! I don't know what I 
should do without this book. [Laughs.] A cor- 
rect imitation of our cultured countrywomen, 
Angelica. [Mrs. Sturtevant laughs tolerantly. 
Mrs. Tompkins walks up and dozvn stage unbut- 
toning her coat.] Keep your eyes on Viola — 
Presto! [Turns towards Mrs. Sturtevant, hold- 
ing coat open and showing a bright cerise lining.] 
This is my lucky color, you know. [Slips out of 
coat and tosses it on any convenient piece of fur- 
niture. She now stands forth dressed in an ex- 
pensive evening wrap of so striking a color that 
Mrs. Sturtevant gasps in surprise.] Here you 
see my lady tripping daintily up the steps of the 
opera house. [Turning about to show it from all 
angles. ] Papuin's latest model ! Isn't it a darling ? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Amazed, walking about her to examine the 
garment more closely.] My dear, how did you 
dare? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Taking one or two dance steps, laughing glee- 
fully. ] Take a chance — that's my motto, my Monte 
Carlo sporting blood. [Turning about.] Notice 
how well it suits my figure. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
It is remarkable what it does for you. 



88 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Touchily.] Eh? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
I mean it is really most becoming — and it 
matches your complexion beautifully. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, I got the complexion to match the wrap. 
But once more focus your lorgnettes upon Viola. 
[Mrs. Sturtevant complies as Mrs. Tompkins 
removes wrap, revealing beneath it a diaphanous 
evening gown, sensational in every detail. It is made 
in one piece, drapes around the figure and fastens 
at the side, so that it is easily removed.] There! 
Isn't that a lullaby ? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Examining it.] It is not very substantial. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 

Nothing is that is really good style. Oh, my 

dear, the shops in Paris! Such dreams of frocks! 

Some of them little more than dreams — what 

Anthony Comstock, Esquire, might call nightmares. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
I'm afraid this would disturb his rest. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Laughing.] Well, I have no designs on him. 
Notice the. grace of that line — and the freedom 
about the feet, so convenient for the Tango. And 
see here. [Unfastens gown at side, deftly slipping 
out of it.] Neither man nor maid necessary. That's 
why I bought it. [Passes it to Mrs. Sturtevant. 



SME KNOWS BETTER NOW 89 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Lifting it lightly in one hand.] My dear — do 
you — er — think it is — er — quite 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Laughing. ] Comme il f aut ? How the Parisian 
atmosphere does cling to one ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Er — yes. Comme il faut. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, quite — for New York ; perhaps a little alarm- 
ing to Brooklyn though. 

[Now gowned in another striking evening 
costume. Note: Lines of comment on 
garments selected will be added so that a 
running fire of conversation may be kept 
up all through the disrobing scene. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Oh, you have another on? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
I should hope so. Doucet's smartest. One thou- 
sand francs, — and a perfect peanut in a pop-corn 
bag at that. N'est-ce-pas ? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Walking about Mrs. Tompkins to observe the 
costume more closely.] Exquisite, my dear, ex- 
quisite ! 

[Comments on the gozvn to be filled in ac- 
cording to its style and characteristics. 



90 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Just extend a helping hand to a sister in distress, 
won't you? You know the one time I miss Tomp- 
kins — the brute — is when I'm dressing. A man is 
so handy at the hooks. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Helping Mrs. Tompkins out of gown.] Yes, 
I've known women to marry for that very reason. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Stepping out of gown.] Watch the petals fall. 
, [ Throws gown on chair and stands forth now 
gowned in a tight- fitting afternoon frock of latest 
extreme style.] Voila! The slender nodding lily 
ready to receive her guests. So delighted to see 
you, Sefior le Count. Will you have one lump or 
two? [Lifting her arms in relief and taking a long 
breath.] My, it seems good to get down to " au 
naturel " again, I can tell you. Imagine me, An- 
gelica, in those things since seven o'clock this morn- 
ing, the thermometer at 83 in the shade; I, gasping 
for breath, and saying to everybody, " Very chilly 
this morning, isn't it ? " Couldn't sit down — how 
could I? Had to lean against the rail, or waddle 
'round the deck. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Why didn't you resort to the usual devices, as I 
instructed you before you went away ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
What devices? 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 91 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Fifth Avenue dressmakers' labels, substituted for 
foreign ones, a little European dust, etc. 

. Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Shaking her head wisely. ] I had that all planned 
out, with enough souvenir spoons, silk stockings, 
gloves, and other gimcracks to throw them off the 
scent, as I supposed, but I met a woman on the boat 
who talked so much about spies in Paris, spies on the 
boat and spies on the dock that I had blind staggers 
all the way over, couldn't sleep because I thought 
the port-hole was the eye of a spy, and when I did 
drop off I had nightmare and delirium tremens. It 
makes my knees go 'round like a spiral staircase to 
think of it now. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 

What would you have done if you had been 
caught ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Bluff it out. Bluff is the greatest thing in the 
world, Angelica. It's wonderful what one can do 
with it. Why, I travelled all through Europe on 
it, — and I travelled first class, too. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
People get found out sometimes. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 

[Nonchalantly.] Oh, then " temporary insanity." 

That's absolutely reliable. It'll carry you through 

anything nowadays. Ho-hum. Getting all that 

stuff off my body is as good as confession for the 



92 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

soul. [With sudden thought] But I must get it 
out of the way. [Begins gathering up things.] If 
anybody should see all this 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Sitting down and looking at Mrs. Tompkins 
with an expression of disappointment.] Is that all 
you brought in ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Halting in amazement.] All! Why, there's 

enough here to put me in the Tombs for 

[Mrs. Sturtevant's expression changes to 
reproach. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
I didn't think it of you, Viola. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Puzzled.] Why, what's the matter, Angelica? 
I should think you would be proud of my ingenuity. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Coldly.] You did very well — for yourself. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
For myself? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Injured air.] Oh, it's all right. I see you quite 
forgot the string of pearls you promised to. get me. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Clapping her hands together in sudden recollec- 
tion.] The pearls! [Roguishly.] You wouldn't 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 93 

be very much disappointed if you didn't get them, 
would you, Angelica ? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
I have always wanted them — and you know T. 
Gordon has a great dislike for them and would 
never get me any. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 

[Trying to hide a smile. ] It isn't nice to come 
between man and wife. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Rising as if preparing to go.] You have dis- 
appointed me — grievously. [Starts towards door. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Wait a minute, Angelica — I've something else to 
show you. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
I don't think I care to see anything else. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Laughing and dragging her back.] Oh, yes, you 
do. [Points down to her skirt.] Notice how well 
my skirt hangs? How it clings to my figure? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Coldly tolerant.] It hangs very well, yes. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Weights. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Yes ? There's nothing specially remarkable about 
weights. 



94 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Mysteriously.] Oh, yes, there is— about these 
weights. [Draws Mrs. Sturtevant to divan.] 
Sit down, and I'll show you. [Mrs. Sturtevant 
shows reluctance.] Do sit down. It'll be worth 
your while. [Both sit. Mrs. Tompkins turns up 
the bottom of her skirt and shows at intervals along 
the hem pockets held together by clasps.] A little 
invention of mine. [Deftly opens a pocket and 
draws forth a package wrapped in tissue paper, 
which she unrolls, looking roguishly at Mrs. Sturte- 
vant, humming a popular air.] I may send on to 
Washington for a patent; too bad not to share this 
little discovery with my erring sisters. [Holds up 
a diamond ring which she slips on her finger. Then 
extends her hand towards Mrs. Sturtevant for 
admiration. Mrs. Sturtevant shows mingled 
curiosity and injury.] Does Viola go to Europe 
for nothing? {Dives into another pocket and draws 
forth another package.] I hope I don't bore you, 
Angelica, dear. 

[Mischievous glance at Mrs. Sturtevant. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Coldly.] Not in the least. Your evident en- 
joyment interests me — psychologically. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Is that what you call it ? [ Unwraps package and 
holds up to her ears a pair of long ear pendants of 
pearls and diamonds. Fastening them to her ears.] 
I couldn't get away from these, so I thought I would 
get away with them. [Turning her head from side 
to side in order that Mrs. Sturtevant may realize 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 95 

their beauty. ] Fascinating things, aren't they ? So 
feminine. [Laughs, and goes rapidly on with the 
business of extracting from various pockets numer- 
ous bits of jewelry, all for her ozvn personal adorn- 
ment. Mrs. Sturtevant becomes more reticent 
and more grieved in her manner, endeavoring to 
show her feeling of injury. Mrs. Tompkins sees 
this, and shows her enjoyment in teasing her. 
Drawing forth another package. ,] Lady Houdini ! 
A prize in every package. [Another package.] 
Another bit of childlike frolic. Art for art's sake. 
[Another package.] How are you to prove that 
you have been abroad unless you have something to 
show for it? [Another package.] Le dernier cri, 
they called it, in Paris. But everything is the 
dernier cri over there ; — in fact, they made me think 
I was, myself. [Another package.] And now, my 
dear, you have shown such sympathetic interest and 
appreciation of my little extravaganzas that I am 
going to show you my piece de resistance. [Ex- 
tends to Mrs. Sturtevant a beautiful cigarette 
case ornamented with rubies and diamonds.] 
Doesn't that eat your heart out with envy ? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Taking cigarette case wearily.] A cigarette 
case with a "T" in diamonds and rubies. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
I got that for Tompkins in Paris — had a foolish 
spell. Now I don't know what to do with it. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Bored.] It doesn't interest me. [Rising.] 
Well, really, I must be going 



96 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, do try one of my Parisian cigarettes before 
you go. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
You know I don't smoke. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, but you'll want one of these. 

[Snaps open cigarette case. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Looking wearily into case with her lorgnettes, 
gasps, then stoops to look more closely.] Viola, my 
pearls! [Lifts string of pearls from case. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Sanctum, sanctorum. And you thought I had 
gone back on you — after all you've done for me! 
Jamais ! Jamais de la vie ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Sitting down and eagerly examining pearls.] 
How magnificent ! And an " S " in diamonds for 
a clasp! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Viola never forgets the frills. It's the feathers 
that make the peacock, you know. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
I'm almost afraid to ask the cost. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Carelessly.] Oh, just a cool and comfortable 
twenty-five thousand francs. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 97 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Musing.] If it might be cool and comfortable. 
You know T. Gordon's silly antipathy for pearls. 
If I should tell him the truth 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Don't do that, my dear; — never, never! It only 
makes trouble. I've just found out that — er — pre- 
varication is the spice of life. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
How can I pay you? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Watch out for the psychological moment. You 
know you used to tell me that there is always a 
psychological moment when a woman can just twist 
a man 'round her little finger. I never found that 
moment with Tompkins — but, with your experi- 
ence 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
It may take time 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Take all the time you want, my dear. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
It is very sweet of you, my love. I never for a 
moment doubted your generosity. [Mrs. Tomp- 
kins lifts her eyebrows humorously. Settling com- 
fortably into seat beside Mrs. Tompkins.] And 
now, dear, tell me about your trip. Did you have 
a good crossing ? 



98 . SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Rotten ! Boat had St. Vitus's dance all the way 
across. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
What a pity ! Any interesting people on board ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Slyly.] One. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Ah ! Not a woman, I surmise. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Is one woman ever interesting to another on an 
ocean voyage ? No, Angelica, it was not a woman. 
It was a man, — and such a man ! 

[Expression of ecstasy. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Who is the deity? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Wait and see. He's coming this afternoon. 
[Slyly.] Tompkins is a stupid name, don't you 
think ? So vulgar ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Viola, you're not going to — so soon? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Humming mischievously.] Oh, I'm not telling. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
How long have you known him? 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 99 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Picked up at sea. But not another word. I want 
to see what you think of him. 

[Starts to gather up smuggled articles. Enter 
Chesterton from butler's pantry; starts 
back on seeing that Mrs. Tompkins has a 
visitor. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Catching sight of Chesterton, lifts her lor- 
gnette.] Why! 

[Mrs. Tompkins starts guiltily and through- 
out the scene endeavors to stand between 
Chesterton and the smuggled articles. 

Chesterton. 
[Bowing apologetically.] Beg pardon, madam. 
So sorry for the intrusion, madam. [Backing out. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[In confusion.] Oh, Chesterton, how you fright- 
ened me. 

Chesterton. 
I am deeply grieved, madam. I came to get my 
orders. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Looking at Mrs. Sturtevant with the smile of 
a child with a new toy.] Oh, Angelica, there is 
something I didn't have to pay duty on. Don't go, 
Chesterton. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Rising and surveying Chesterton through her 
lorgnettes.] Ah, a butler. It is well. 



100 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Her mind more on the articles about than upon 
what is being said.] Oh, very well, aren't you, 
Chesterton ? 

Chesterton. 

[A little puzzled.'] Well? Oh, yes, madam, in 
consideration of the discomforts of travelling on a 
vacillating sea, I am enjoying excellent health. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Imitating Chesterton's accent and method of 
speech.] Ah, it was, indeed, a vacillating body of 
water. We all had our discomforts, — even the 
stewards. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 

[Carefully looking Chesterton over, much as 

she would a horse.] Turn around, my good man. 

[Chesterton complies in surprised dignity. 

Mrs. Tompkins, also a little surprised, 

looks on with a proud, childlike smile. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Summing up Chesterton's good points.] Well 
formed, with a suitable amount of dignity and poise. 
Yes, a satisfactory presence. 

[Lowers her lorgnette with finality. Ches- 
terton shows surprise. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Laughing.] Will stand without hitching. A 
high stepper, but warranted to be gentle. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Reprimanding tone.] Viola! 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 101 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Recollecting her position, with dignity.] Yes, 
Chesterton has all the essentials of an excellent 
butler. 

[Chesterton bows in acknowledgment, 
Mrs. Tompkins bowing in return. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Is he well trained? [To Chesterton.] What 
would you say, Chesterton [To Mrs. Tomp- 
kins. ] Er — I think you said " Chesterton " is the 
name? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Yes, Chesterton. Nice name, isn't 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Ignoring Mrs. Tompkins.] What would you 
say, Chesterton, if a visitor should call? 

Chesterton. 
I would say " I will ascertain if my lady is 
within." [Mrs. Tompkins sighs with delight. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 

And if Mrs. Tompkins did not wish to be dis- 
turbed ? 

Chesterton. 
I would say " My lady will regret exceedingly 
that her numerous engagements have denied her the 
pleasure of your call." 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Dreamily.] It sounds just like a novel. 



102 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Turning tozvards Mrs. Tompkins.] Viola, I 
think you may feel confidence in this man. 

[Resumes seat as if matter were settled. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Confidence. Well, rather. [With English ac- 
cent.] Yes, Chesterton, I'm sure you will be most 
satisfactory. [Chesterton bows.] I will talk 
your duties over with you later. 

Chesterton. 
[With a bow.] Very good, madam. 

[Mrs. Tompkins bows; Chesterton exits. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Looking after him with a sigh of contentment.] 
Ah— hum ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Where did you find him? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Another deep sea discovery ; — former valet to the 
other — son of Neptune. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Very good style. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
That's the principal thing, isn't it? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Of. course. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 103 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Once more turning her attention to things about 
room.] I really must get this stuff out of here or 
I'll be caught with the goods. I thought Chester- 
ton looked suspicious. [Taking up hat.] Oh, see 
here, Angelica. I almost forgot this. Virot's select 
model — designed especially for American ladies. 
Isn't it a little gem? [Puts it on. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Is " little " the proper adjective? Isn't it a trifle 
extreme ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Not for Viola — or New York. [Taking it off, 
and pointing to hat-pins.] And there are about 
two hundred dollars in hat-pins that escaped the 
eagle eyes of our beloved Uncle Sam. And see 
here! [Drawing yards and yards of lace from 
lining of hat.] You know, I ought to be on the 
stage doing this. [Laughing.] Oh, how I fooled 
'em! Wasn't I silly to be frightened? It was the 
easiest thing. [Door-bell rings.] Oh! [Sudden 
fright.] Who's that? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Showing perturbation.] They may be after 
you now. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Starting to run off stage.] Oh, where shall 
I go? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Viola ! Come back here. This is your affair, 
not mine. 



104 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, my knees. [Clutching chair.] You'll stand 
by me, Angelica? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
I really must be going. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Imploringly snatching Mrs. Sturtevant by the 
arm.] You won't leave me now — all alone. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Showing anxiety to get away.] I'm sorry — I — 
er — have an engagement. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, dear ! What shall I do ? 

[Expostulating voices heard off stage. Enter 
Chesterton and Delia. 

Delia. 
It's mesilf will open the door. 

Chesterton. 
You forget yourself, my good woman. Remem- 
ber I am butler, and have 



Delia. 
Out of my way wid yer fine airs. 

[Pushes him aside, and starts towards door. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Hastily rushing from one thing to another, with- 
out accomplishing anything.] Delia, help me. 
Chesterton, I'm not at home. I'm in Europe — go- 
ing up the Nile. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 105 

Chesterton. 
If it should be the Count, madam? 

[Mrs. Sturtevant pricks up her ears, and 
ceases her preparations for departure. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Letting down with a sigh of relief.} The Count ! 
Of course. Oh, I had such a fright. [To Ches- 
terton.] Of course I'm at home to the Count. 

[Mrs. Sturtevant shows increasing interest. 

Chesterton. 
Very good, madam. [Exit. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[To Delia.] Help me get these things up-stairs, 
Deiia. 

[Begins hastily gathering up things; puts hat 
backside foremost in endeavor to get her 
hand free. Hat soon slips to a rakish 
angle. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 

Let me help you, my love. 

[Begins gathering up things. 

Delia. 

[Looking about in amazement at quantity of 
stuff.] Glory be to God, where did it all come 
from? Where is the thrunk? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Rushing about, and piling stuff into Delia's 
arms.] Oh, I'm just moulting. Quick, up into my 
room. 



106 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

[Delia, bewildered, runs upstairs, Mrs. 

• Tompkins and Mrs. Sturtevant follow- 
ing. Delia goes into Mrs. Tompkins' 
room. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Pausing for breath on the stairs.] The Count, 
did you say ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Passing things to Delia, who reappears at 
door.] Um-hum. Sounds good, doesn't it? Too 
bad you must go. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Perhaps I can stay — a little longer — if Delia will 
'phone Mr. Sturtevant to call for me here. 

[Delia reappears at door. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Certainly. I want to see T. Gordon. [To 
Delia.] Delia, telephone Mr. Sturtevant. [Delia 
starts to descend stairs.] Telephone him to come 
up to tea. Say Mrs. Sturtevant is waiting for him 
here. 

Delia. 

Yis, mum. 

[Enters telephone booth, closing door behind 
her. Enter Chesterton, looking about. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Softly, leaning over balustrade.] Here I am, 
Chesterton. Is it 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 07 

Chesterton. 
[Mounting stairs with card tray.] Yes, madam. 

[Extends tray. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Taking card, looks at it, sighing softly, smiles 
and passes card to Mrs. Sturtevant. ] Ah ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Studying card.] Count De la Nochie 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[With glib complacency.] Nochebuena. Count 
De la Nochebuena. [Sighs. Mrs. Sturtevant 
looks greatly impressed.] Show him in, Chester- 
ton ; and ask him to excuse me for a moment. And 
make him comfortable — very comfortable, Ches- 
terton. 

Chesterton. 
[Trying to hide a smile.] Very good, madam. 

[Exit. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Her eyes fixed upon Card as if hypnotised.] 
My dear, what a find! You must share him with 
me. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Firmly.] No, Angelica, he's mine. There's to 
be no filipeen about him. Come, help me to make 
myself pretty and you shall have a look at him. 

[Exeunt into Mrs. Tompkins' chamber. 
Enter immediately Chesterton followed 
by the Count, a tall, rather handsome man 
of about forty years, who should be at 



108 SHE KNOWS BETTER NO IV 

once recognized as a Spaniard by his 
make-up, manners, and speech. 

Chesterton. 
[With ceremony; yet looking about furtively.] 
My lady requested that you pardon a moment's 
delay, sir. 

Count. 
[Taking hasty survey of room, as he advances.} 
Muy bien ! 

[Chesterton, looking towards landing, 
holds up a warning finger to the Count, 
listens, then takes a hurried look into hall, 
behind curtains and draperies; the Count 
watching his movements attentively. 

Chesterton. 
[Returning to the Count, in a low voice.] We 
are alone. 

Count. 
Muy bien ! 

Chesterton. 
She is preparing to receive you, sir. 

Count. 
You theenk she look upon me weeth favor, 
Chester-tone ? 

Chesterton. 
You have made an excellent impression, sir. 

Count. 
Muy bien! And Meester Tompkins? I theenk 
he is dead, no que si ? 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 109 

Chesterton. 

I believe so, sir. In the short time I have been 
here I have heard such remarks as " Poor Mr. 
Tompkins." " He is gone." " If he would only 
come back." 

Count. 
Caramba! Thaay are — what you call it? 
Spiritualists ? 

Chesterton. 
I have not yet learned the details, sir. I will 
endeavor to do so, sir. 

Count. 
Waell, it matter not. I will take his place, spirit 
nor no spirit. [Laughs.] Bien, I must pay my 
good respects to the dear, departed Mr. Tompkins 
weeth a few flowers, eh, Chestertone? That will 
be a winning card, no que si? 

Chesterton. 
[Laughs.] Very ingenious, sir. 

Count. 
And you must help me, Chestertone. Tell her all 
about my good points. [Laughs. 

Chesterton. 
You know, sir, I have imagination, and a faculty 
for invention. 

Count. 
Si — you should be a diplomat. 



110 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Chesterton. 
Thank you, sir. 

Count. 
[Examining room critically.] Thees look prim- 
oroso, — vaery guud. Rather bad taste, — pero 
mucho money, eh? [Turning quickly to Chester- 
ton.] She has much money, you theenk, Chester- 
tone — eh ? 

Chesterton. 

A great deal, sir, I should say, judging from the 
house. 

Count. 

Muy bien! Si. I theenk I weell laike eet. 
[Appears pleased and begins strutting up and down 
room with an air of possession. Picks up cigarette 
case left on table by Mrs. Tompkins.] Ah, vaery 
naice. You weell be mine some day, no que si? 
[Laughs as he puts it down.] Si, Chester-tone, 
thees weell be better than the roulette tables at 
Monte Carlo. 

Chesterton. 
Better for you, sir ; — but what about me, sir ? 

Count. 
[Lightly.] Woat ees guud for the master ees 
guud for the man, no que si, si que no ? 

Chesterton. 
You mean, sir? 

Count. 
[Magnanimously.] That you weell always haeve 
a good position here weeth me. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW III 

Chesterton. 
And nothing more ? 

Count. 
[Indignantly.] Noething more? Woat you 
want ? 

Chesterton. 
My share of the spoils, sir. 

Count. 

Woat you mean? [Angrily.] You do not 
marry her. 

Chesterton. 
No, sir. Quite true, sir. But I may be able to 
make it possible for you to do so, sir. And if so, 
I expect my pay. 

Count. 
[Condescendingly.] Muy bien. Wen I get Mrs. 
Tompkins' dot I see wot I do for you. 

Chesterton. 
I know your promises too well, sir. You will 
give me a written guarantee of one thousand pounds 
or I will tell her all. 

Count. 
Woat you tell her ? 

Chesterton. 
The truth. 

Count. 
I weell kill you. 



112 SHE KNOWS BETTER NO IV 

Chesterton. 
Oh, no, you won't, sir. 

Count. 
She weell not believe you. 

Chesterton. 
I've been with you long enough to have pretty 
good proofs. 

Count. 
[Coaxingly.] Ah, Chesterton, you would not 
treat your master like that. 

Chesterton. 
Not unless you force me to. But business is 
business, and this is purely a matter of business. 
Give me the guarantee. 

Count. 
I geeve you my word. 

Chesterton. 
I have had experience with your word before, 
sir. This whole thing is not to my taste, sir. It's 
dirty work. 

Count. 
Ssh ! Say not so, — pleese ! 

Chesterton. 
Mrs. Tompkins is a silly woman, and if she wants 
to sell herself for a title, it's not my affair. But 
she's a good woman. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 113 

Count. 
[Shrugging his shoulders. ] Pero, she get woat 
she want,- — the title. I get woat I want, mucho 
money. The money go, the title remain. She get 
the bargain, no que si ? 

Chesterton. 
You'd better be quick, sir. She may come. — A 
written guarantee, — or I tell all. 

Count. 
To-morrow at my hotel 



Chesterton. 
[Firmly.] Here — now. [Going to desk.] Here 
are pen, ink, paper. [Laying them out. 

Count. 
[Following reluctantly.] I like them not. [Fin- 
gering paper and pen.] They are dangerous. 

Chesterton. 
You need have no fear — unless you break your 
word. 

Count. 

[Sitting dozvn reluctantly.] If you betray me I 
kill you. 

Chesterton. 
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. [Putting pen into his 
hand.] The pen, sir. 

Count. 
[Sullenly.] Woat I write? 



114 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Chesterton. 
As I tell you. " I, Adolfo De la Nochebuena, 
promise to pay my former valet, Henry Chesterton, 
the sum of one thousand pounds " — another cipher, 
sir; one thousand; not one hundred. That's right, 
sir. Thank you, sir, — " for services rendered in 
the event of marriage " 

Count. 
How you spell " marriage " ? 

Chesterton. 
[Smiling grimly.] M-a-r-r-i-a-g-e. Quite cor- 
rect, sir. [Continuing.] — "in the event of my 
marriage to Mrs. Viola Tompkins." Signed : Now 
sign your name, if you please, sir. Thank you, sir. 

Count. 
[Handing paper to Chesterton, who blots it, 
folds it carefully, and puts it in his pocket.] I can 
trust you, Chesterton? 

Chesterton. 
As I trust you, sir. 

Count. 
Chesterton, you are a scoundrel. 

Chesterton. 
Thank you, sir. [Bows.] I bow to my master, 
a greater one. 

Count. 
[Laughs.] Well, shake. [They shake hands.] 
It is a bargain. [Door of telephone closet opens 
and Delia appears. She stops short at sight of the 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 115 

two men.] You help me, — I help you; and wen I 
marry the estrella de mi corazon, — the star of my 

heart [Turning jauntily towards staircase 

with a wave of the hand, catches sight of Delia.] 
Santissima Virgen! Quien es? 

Chesterton. 
[Starting at sight of Delia.] What are you do- 
ing there? 

Delia. 
[Coolly.] Looking at a jackass. 

Chesterton. 
[To Count.] Es una servienta — una tonta. 

Count. 
Ha oido todo? 

Chesterton. 
[To Delia.] You may go. [To Count.] Es- 
pero que no. 

Delia. 
[Indignantly.] Ag an davail aged; droh ahad 
ord. 

[Gaelic dialect meaning "Go to the devil, 
and bad luck to you." Pronounced " Ag 
an djhoul yat; droch a-hort." Exit. 

Count. 
What language was that? 

Chesterton. 
It sounded like Chinese, but — [seriously] I'm 
sure she's not that, sir. I'll 



Il6 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

[Door of Mrs. Tompkins' room opens and 
Mrs. Tompkins, looking very fresh and 
fit, appears, smiling expectantly. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Descending stairs eagerly.] Oh, my dear Count, 
I am so sorry to have kept you waiting. 

Count. 
[Rushing to meet her.] Ay, senora! My heart 
beat once more weeth mucho happiness. 

[Kisses her hands ardently. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
I hope Chesterton made you comfortable while 
you were waiting? 

Count. 
[With an indignant look at Chesterton, who 
turns to hide a smile.] Vaery — comfortable. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[To Chesterton, smiling naively.] We'll have 
tea, Chesterton. 

Chesterton. 
Thank you, madam. [Bows and exits. 

Count. 
Ay, bewtiful senora, my heart has been — woat 
you say? — geeving me one great push to you. It 
ees years since we haeve say au revoir at the 
steamer. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[With a sentimental sigh.] Ah, yes, an hour is 
sometimes an eternity. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 17 

Count. 
[Earnestly.] Senora, it is live everlasting. 
[Awkward pause.] I — er — I — [picking up ciga- 
rette case] I was hust admiring thees wen you come 
in. It is very nice, yes? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, a mere trifle I picked up in Europe. One of 
those things you don't know what to do with when 
you get home. 

Count. 
Ah, senora, I would know woat to do weeth it. 
That I might carry it — because it is of you! Si, 
si, si ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Pleased.] Oh, would you like to? ■ 

Count. 

I would carry it here, — near mi corazon, — next 
my heart. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Shaking finger at him coquettishly.] Tobacco 
heart. 

Count. 
Ah, senora, eet ees not that kind. [Puts case 
in his pocket.] I thank you. [Taking her hands 
tenderly.] Ay, senora, mi vida, mi alma, my life, 
my soul ! my heart seeng once more like a bird. 
[Starts to take her in his arms.] It sing always 
" Viola, Viola," oh, estrella de mi corazon, luna de 
mi alma, luz de mis ojos ! Star of my heart, light 
of my eyes ! 



Il8 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Starts away frightened, looking towards land- 
ing.] Oh, please, er — you see — we aren't alone. 

Count. 
[With a movement of annoyance.] Caramba! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
You see, a friend came in before I could get my 
things off 

Count. 
Ah, wy did I come? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
But she'll soon be going. 

Count. 
[Joyfully.] Then wee can be alone. 

[Mrs. Sturtevant appears at door of Mrs. 
Tompkins' room and coughs to announce 
her approach. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Ah, here is Mrs. Sturtevant now. [Goes to meet 
her and leads her to the Count.] Count, I want 
you to meet my dear friend, Mrs. Sturtevant. An- 
gelica, Count De la Nochebuena. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Inclining her body with dignified rigidity.] 
Count De la Nochebuena. 

Count. 
[Clicking his heels together in true Spanish 
fashion and making a profound bow, kissing Mrs. 
Sturtevant' s hands.] Enchanter, senora. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 19 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Seating herself on the divan with great dignity, 
looking at Count with impressive air.] How do 
you like America, Count ? 

[Mrs. Tompkins sits beside table near center 
of room. Count brings chair from up 
stage and places it between the two women, 
but nearer Mrs. Tompkins. 

Count. 
[Looking at Mrs. Tompkins ardently.] Woat 
I now see of America I like very much. [Sighs.] 
It is bewtiful. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Laughs nervously.] He hasn't seen the East 
Side yet, Angelica. I must show it to you, Count. 

Count. 
[Drawing his chair a little nearer Mrs. Tomp- 
kins.] Then it will be bewtiful also, no que si? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Endeavoring to attract attention.] This is your 
first visit to America, Count? 

Count. 
[Turning to her for an instant, then again de- 
voting his attention to Mrs. Tompkins, who shows 
confusion.] Si, si, sefiora. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
But I hope not the last. 

[Flattering smile quite lost on the Count. 



120 SHE KNOWS BETTER NO IV 

Count. 
[With a soulful look at Mrs. Tompkins.] That 
depends. It is for another to decide. 

[Moves chair nearer Mrs. Tompkins. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Embarrassed.] Oh — er — yes — Angelica. You 
see the Count has been sent here by the King 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Much impressed.] The King! 

[Chesterton enters, wheeling a tea-wagon 
prepared for afternoon tea, whiskey and 
soda on lower shelf. He coughs apolo- 
getically. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[With relief.] Oh, how nice! Tea! I should 
have fainted if you hadn't come, Chesterton. 

Chesterton. 
I'm very glad I came at so opportune a moment, 
madam. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Very opportune. Right here, Chesterton. [In- 
dicating place in front of her.] Count, do tell Mrs. 
Sturtevant about your work. 

[Chesterton pauses in surprise, casts a 
glance of amused inquiry. The Count, 
for a moment, looks discomfited. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
It would, indeed, be most interesting — [with 
flattering smile] from so distinguished a visitor. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 121 

[Chesterton watches Count; Mrs. Tomp- 
kins is busy with tea things. 

Count. 
[Rising, clicking his heels together and bowing.] 
You honor me, senora; pero — I would prefer to 
hear you talk. [Bowing. Turning to Mrs. Tomp- 
kins, solicitously.] May I assist you, senora? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[To Mrs. Sturtevant.] He is so modest, An- 
gelica ! 

[Chesterton coughs and hides a smile; 
Count regards him indignantly. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Great men always are. 

[Impressive look at Count. Chesterton 
chokes on a smothered laugh. 

Count. 
[Indignant look at Chesterton. To Mrs. 
Sturtevant, bowing profoundly.] You honor me, 
madam. [To Chesterton, commandingly.] Ches- 
terton, you may go. 

Chesterton. 
[Bowing.] I receive my orders from madam, 
sir. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Looking at Count.] Oh, yes. The Count's 
wishes are my wishes. [Smiling at Chesterton.] 
I will call you when I need you, Chesterton. 



122 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Chesterton. 
[Bowing.'] Yes, madam; thank you, madam. 
[With a look of amusement at Count; exit. 

Count. 
[To Mrs. Tompkins.] I will assist you, sefiora. 
Do not burn thoze little fingers. [Looking tenderly 
at Mrs. Tompkins.] Like lilies. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[With movement of determination to gain the 
attention of the Count.] Count, I'm sure I've met 
you before. 

Count. 
[Starts guiltily.] Met me, sefiora? Ah, no. I 
theenk no. 

[Mrs. Tompkins looks up from tea table in 

surprise. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Making the most of her point.] Haven't I? 

Count. 
[Hastily.] No, no, sefiora. You are quite mis- 
taken. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 

Wasn't it — er — at the home of our ambassador 
in London? 

[Mrs. Tompkins shows greater surprise. 

Count. 
[With sigh of relief, shows Mrs. Sturtevant 
has at last made an impression.] In Londres? 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 23 

The ambassador? [Turns to her with interest.] 
I do not remember, sefiora, no. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Pausing in her preparation of tea, suspiciously.] 
When were you at the ambassador's house, An- 
gelica ? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Ignoring Mrs. Tompkins and making the most 
of her opportunity.] Or was it at the Spanish 
court, when I was presented? 

[Mrs. Tompkins gasps. 

Count. 
[Leaving Mrs. Tompkins and going to Mrs. 
Sturtevant. ] Ah ! You was presented. 

[Moves chair nearer Mrs. Sturtevant. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Coldly suspicious.] Angelica, I never knew 
you were presented at court. 

Mrs. Sturtevant, 
[Sweetly.] There are many things about me 
which you didn't know, my love. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Urn. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[To Count.] It is not polite to tell the less for- 
tunate of our social successes, Count. You under- 
stand ? 



124 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Count. 
[Now all attention to Mrs. Sturtevant, who 
beams encouragingly upon him.]. Perfecamente, 
senora. Si, si, si ! 

[Moves chair nearer Mrs. Sturtevant. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Coldly, holding up lemon fork.] You take 
lemon, as usual, Angelica? [Mrs. Sturtevant 
bows patronizingly-; Mrs. Tompkins puts in three 
slices.) And I remember you require a great deal 
of sugar. [Puts in several lumps.] Count. 

[Extends cup. 

Count. 
[All attention to Mrs. Sturtevant.] Si, si, 
senora, surely we haeve met. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[With cup.] Count! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
I could never forget you. 

Count. 
[Bozving profoundly.] Thank you, senora. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Sharply]. Count! 

Count. 
[ Turning. ] Ah, senora, lo siento ! Pardon ! 
[To Mrs. Sturtevant.] Your tea, senora. 

[Mrs. Sturtevant bows. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 125 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[To Count, who passes her the tea.] It is very 
cool in here, is it not ? 

Count. 

[Hastening to window.] Permit me, sefiora. 

[Closes window. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Coldly.] Yes, I've noticed the change. [To 
Count, sweetly, preparing tea.] I know how you'll 
have yours, Count. [Smiling archly.] Ah, those 
happy days on shipboard. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[ Witheringly. ] You told me you had a wretched 
crossing. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, dear, no. [Coyly to Count.] We didn't, 
did we, Count? It was the poetry of motion, 
wasn't it, Count, — and e-motion, as well. Ah-hum. 
Cake, Count? 

Count. 
Thank you, sefiora. Gracias ! 

[Takes plate and passes to Mrs. Sturtevant. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
You were telling — or about to tell of your work, 
Count. 

Count. 

I fear I may bore you, sefiora, si que no? No 
que si ? 



126 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Quite impossible. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Quite, I assure you. 

Count. 
[Bowing.] Thank you, senora. [Drawing him- 
self with an effort, and taking his chair nearer Mrs. 
Sturtevant.] Well, it is so. My — er — purpose 
in visiting America is to — er — study the social con- 
ditions. My King theenks we haeve the wrong 
idea in Europe about the American — er — standards, 
und he has sent me here for the purpose of investi- 
gating the truth, or the lie. For example, your 
newspapers tell us divorce is an American disease. 
[Looks questioningly from Mrs. Sturtevant to 
Mrs. Tompkins.] Now, that is not so, is it? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Making choking noise in her teacup, falteringly.] 
N-no, no, of course not. Is it, Angelica ? 

[Looks appealingly at Mrs. Sturtevant. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Maliciously.] Not among the better class. [To 
Count] I assure you. 

Count. 
Not among your class, I am sure. Then, another 
theeng, we are told your women are dishonest 

Mrs. Sturtevant, 
Dishonest ! 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 27 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Dishonest ! 

Count. 
That they lie 

Mrs. Sturtevant.: 
Lie! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Lie! 

Count. 
That they steal 



Steal ! 
Steal ! 



Mrs. Tompkins. 
Mrs. Sturtevant. 



Count. 
[Happily.} Ah! I see it is not so. For ex- 
ample, they say: watch an American woman pass 
through the custom house. [Mrs. Tompkins starts 
up with a frightened look.] She will declare noth- 
ing, and, upon the investigation, she will haeve 
everytheeng. [Mrs. Tompkins becomes deeply en- 
grossed in the tea things.] That is dishonest. 
[Mrs. Tompkins shows uneasiness.] That is lying. 
[Mrs. Tompkins' agitation increases.] That is 
stealing. [Mrs. Tompkins wipes her brow.] Steal- 
ing from her own country! [Mrs. Tompkins be- 
gins fanning herself violently, Mrs. Sturtevant 
watching her agitation wiih malicious delight.] 
Such a woman should be put in prison! [Mrs. 



128 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Tompkins rises and looks about distractedly as if 
seeking escape.] She should be the shame of her 
countrywomen. [Mrs. Tompkins goes to the win- 
dow and throws it open for air.] Now, there is 
Mrs. Tompkins. 

[Mrs. Tompkins starts back with a cry. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh! 

Count. 
I watched her at the customs 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Staggering to a chair which she grasps for sup- 
port] O-oh! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Showing enjoyment of Mrs. Tompkins' dis- 
comfiture. ] What is the matter, dear ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Trying to cover her confusion.] Oh, nothing — 
nothing. Just a touch of — of sciatica. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Your age is beginning to tell, my dear. 

Count. 
I watched Mrs. Tompkins at the customs, senora ; 
si, si. [Mrs. Tompkins extends her hands plead- 
ingly towards Count, which he does not notice.] 
She did not lie. [Expression of relief on face of 
Mrs. Tompkins.] She did not smuggle. [Mrs. 
Tompkins steals a half guilty look at Mrs. Sturte- 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 129 

vant, who looks disappointed.} She declared 
everything she bring in. [Mrs. Tompkins laughs 
half hysterically.} There is one honest woman, no 
que si ! 

[Mrs. Sturtevant turns towards Mrs. 
Tompkins. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Looking at Mrs. Tompkins with her lor- 
gnettes. ] Where ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Holding her head erect and taking one or two 
steps forward proudly.] Here, my love. 

[Assumes heroic attitude. 

Count. 
Si. Another theeng I hope to prove is that the 
American life is equal to ours. We are told there 
is no unity in the family ; — that the husband go one 
way, the wife another way; — that they are nevair 
together, and when they are, they fight, fight, fight. 
That is not always so, I know. No que si ! Mrs. 
Tompkins has told me of her married life. I know 
it was bewtiful [Mrs. Sturtevant looks askance at 
Mrs. Tompkins], like one lovely song. She nevair 
quarrel weeth her dear husband, si que no ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[ Gasping. ] Oh ! 

[Mrs. Tompkins makes a motion as if to 
silence her. 

Count. 
Woat a great sorrow that he did die. 



130 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Catching her breath.] What! Die! Tomp- 
kins ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Shaking her head warningly at Mrs. Sturte- 
vant and putting her fingers on her lips, buries her 
face in her handkerchief, yet keeping a watchful 
eye on Mrs. Sturtevant.] Now, Angelica, don't, 
please — break my heart by talking of my grief. 
Poor, dear Mr. Tompkins. 

Count. 
[Penitently, going to Mrs. Tompkins.] Ay, 
senora ! Forgeeve me ! I forget. It was because 
your married life was so bewtiful. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Sternly.] Viola! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
There, there, Angelica, dearest. I won't cry any 
more. [To Count.] Time will help me to be 
brave, Count, dear. 

Count. 
[Tenderly.] And you will permit me to work 
weeth time. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Dropping her eyes in confusion.] Oh, Count. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Sternly.] Viola, this is 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 131 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Quickly.] Oh, Count, you should observe Mrs. 
Sturtevant in her home life. It is too sweet for 
words. I'm sure it would be an object lesson to 
any one. 

Count. 
[ To Mrs. Sturtevant. ] Ah, that I might haeve 
the prreevilege ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Flattered, yet eyeing Mrs. Tompkins with dis- 
approval.] It would make Mr. Sturtevant and my- 
self most happy to receive you into our home, I'm 
sure. 

Count. 
[Rises, clicks his heels together, and bows pro- 
foundly.] You honor me, senora. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Yes, Count, you really must meet Mr. Sturte- 
vant. You know he's the King of Wall Street. 

[Door-bell rings. Chesterton passes through 
hall up stage. 

Count. 
[Showing interest.] The King of Wall Street. 
Ah, I vould be honored, senora. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Apologetically.] You will find him a little 
crude. You must excuse his rough exterior. 
[Count lifts his hand in expostulation.] Our 
American men take so little time for polish. 



132 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Count. 

[Impressively.] Ay, senora, but the ladies are 
so vaery mucho polish it weell do for the men also, 
no que si ? Si, si ! 

[Smiling in self-satisfaction, holds up a 
warning finger. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Flatterer ! 

[Chesterton enters, followed by Sturte- 
vant. Coughs. 

Chesterton. 
Mr. Sturtevant. 

[Steps aside. Sturtevant enters. Ches- 
terton exits. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Going to meet Sturtevant, shaking hands 
effusively.] Well, here's T. Gordon. How do you 
do ? I'm so glad to see you. 

Sturtevant. 
[Heartily.] " Well, well, Viola, how goes it? 
Handsome as ever, I declare. That's a stunning 
blush of youth you're wearing. Where'd you find 
it ? Rue de la Paix, or Avenue de l'Opera ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 

[Confused.] Stop. Now, Gordon Oh, 

you will have your little jokes, of course. 

Sturtevant. 
And you women must have your little vanities, — 
and we men must pay for them. So there you are. 
By the way, I saw Tompkins last night 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 33 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Hurriedly.] Oh, T. Gordon, I want you to meet 
my dear friend, Count De la Nochebuena. 

[The Count rises. Mr. Sturtevant re- 
gards him keenly. 

Sturtevant. 
[Extending hand.] Glad to know you, Count 
della Notchie Bonie. 

[Inarticulate mumbling of last syllable of 
name. 

Count. 
[Clicking heels together and bowing.] Sir, you 
honor me. I haeve heard of you, sir — the King 
of Wall Street. 

Sturtevant. 
[Drawing up chair to join circle.] Ah, Gellie. 
[To Mrs. Sturtevant, sitting down with great 
dignity.] King! Do you hear that? Where's my 
crown ? 

[Laughs. Count resumes seat beside Mrs. 
Sturtevant. Mrs. Tompkins at tea 
table. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Oh, Gordon, the Count has just come over to 
America; — has been sent by the King, Gordon — to 
study our social conditions 

Sturtevant. 
[Studying the Count closely.] Well, he'll find 
a jolly mess. 



134 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
And our standards of life. 

Sturtevant. 
Humph ! We haven't got any. 

Count. 
[Throwing up hands in gesture of expostulation.] 
Ay, sefior, eso no es imposible ! It is no possible, 
si que no. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, now, T. Gordon, don't prejudice him against 
us. 

Count. 
[Laughing.] Ah, sefiora, I recognize that as 
American humor. I haeve heard it is very subtle — 
no que si? [Laughs. 

Sturtevant. 
[Dryly.] Um — joke's on us, though. 

[Count and Mrs. Sturtevant engage in 
% omimic conversation. 



Mrs. Tompkins. 
[To Sturtevant.] Tea, Gordon? 

[Starts to pour. 

Sturtevant. 
[In disgust.] Tea! No! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Holding up whiskey decanter.] Just a little 
cold tea? 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 35 

Sturtevant. 
[Laughing.] Well, — poured by your lovely 
hands — yes. [Mrs. Tompkins occupied with busi- 
ness of mixing whiskey and soda.] Have a good 
crossing, Viola? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Looking at Count.] Oh, perfectly delightful. 
[Mrs. Sturtevant pauses in her conversa- 
tion to throw Mrs. Tompkins a look of 
disapproval. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[ Coughing. ] Ahem ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Passing glass to Sturtevant.] Charming peo- 
ple aboard. [Another glance at Count. 

Sturtevant. 
[Taking glass.] Thanks. Get held up at the 
customs? [Drinks. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Hurriedly.] No — oh, no. Have a sandwich. 

[Passes plate nervously. 

Sturtevant. 
[Taking sandwich.] Thanks. You must be one 
of those rare creatures — an honest woman — like my 
wife. 

Count. 
[Eagerly.] Si, si, that I know. Si. 



136 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Sturtevant. 
Nobody gets by the customs -these days. If they 
do manage to slip through they're soon nabbed. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Nervously.] Have a sandwich, — have some 
cake. Oh, do! 

Sturtevant. 
[Putting down glass.] No, thanks. Those fel- 
lows at the Custom House are human ferrets — can 
scent foreign stuff from here to Quarantine. 

[Mrs. Sturtevant shows malicious enjoy- 
ment of this scene while listening to 
Count. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Fanning herself.] Very unseasonable weather, 
isn't it? — for this time of year? 

Sturtevant. 
Little cool, but we'll get it hotter. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Cool. [Fans herself vigorously. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Oh, Gordon, the Count tells me he is much in- 
terested in the stock market. 

Sturtevant. 
[Turning toward Count.] Oh, is that so? 

Count. 
[Eagerly.] Si. In the interests of my King, I 
would like to study your methods 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 37 

Sturtevant. 
[Dryly.] Urn. I don't know that they can bear 
inspection. 

Count. 
We would like a market like yours in Madrid. 

Sturtevant. 
Only way to understand the game is to play a 
hand at it ; — get right into it, fist and heel. 

Count. 
I would like to learn the game, very mucho. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 

It would, I assure you, be most gratifying to my 
husband to explain to you the delicate intricacies of 
this American institution. 

Sturtevant. 
[Turning to Mrs. Tompkins with a laugh.] 
Delicate ? Ye bulls and bears ! 

Count. 
But one need mucho money; — and — I have 
brought — a very small letter-of-credit. 

Sturtevant. 
[Eyeing him keenly.] Urn — well — er — you see — 
that's the game. Money. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Using lorgnettes.] Gordon, my dear, you will 
not, of course, mention so vulgar — so material a 
subject to a representative of the King of Spain. 



138 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Sturtevant. 
Ahem! Well — er — you see 

Count. 
You are too generous, sir. 

[Sturtevant turns to Mrs. Tompkins in 
surprise. She is a little taken aback at the 
turn things have taken. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
My dear Count, the word generosity is super- 
fluous, wholly superfluous from the lips of a repre- 
sentative of the King. [To Sturtevant.] Isn't 
it, my dear? 

Sturtevant. 
Um, well — er — I think, Count, we had better talk 
this over with your Spanish consul here. [Count 
looks startled.] Let's see, what's his name? 

Count. 
[Stammering in confusion.] Consul? Wy — I — 
er — cannot remember. 

Sturtevant. 
[Turning sharply on him.] Eh? 

Count. 
You see there are so many people I must consult, 
I forget. I haeve the names in my trunks 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 

Of course, you meet so many important people it 
must be, indeed, very difficult to remember. By 
the way, won't you dine with us this evening? It 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 39 

would be so nice on this your first day in America. 
I won't take " no " for an answer. 

[Sturtevant shows no enthusiasm. Mrs. 

Tompkins' face falls, showing chagrin and 

anger. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Remonstrating.] But, Count 



Count. 
You honor me, senora ! Para servir a Usted. 
Weeth pleasure. 

[Kisses her hands. Sturtevant shows re- 
sentment. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 

[Rising.] Then it's all settled. We dine at 
eight o'clock. [To Mrs. Tompkins, with con- 
descension.] And won't you come too, Viola? It 
would be so nice for you to show the Count the way. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[In cold disapproval] I don't think I feel equal 
to it. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Oh, of course, dear, you've had a very trying day 
with the ordeals of the customs; — after such a 
rough crossing, too. 

Sturtevant. 
Viola, I refuse to eat a mouthful unless you are 
there. Besides, you might miss Tompkins, 



140 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, thank you, I'll come. Yes, I'll come. 

Sturtevant. 
Good. I'd hate to go to bed hungry. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Now, really, I must be going. 

[All prepare to go. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, Count, you won't have to go now ? 

Count. 
I fear I must, senora. To prepare for thees 
evening. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Then you will let us set you down at your hotel. 

Count. 
[Looking at Mrs. Tompkins in hesitation.] You 
are too kind, senora. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Impossible, to a representative of the King. 
[The Count bows profoundly.} It will be a 
pleasure, won't it, dear? [To Sturtevant. 

Sturtevant. 
[Showing no enthusiasm.] Oh, er — yes, yes, in- 
deed, a pleasure. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Looking about/] Where did I leave my wrap? 
Oh, in the hall. [Starts up stage. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 141 

Count. 
[Following her.] Permit me, sefiora. 

[Exeunt into hall. 

Sturtevant. 
[Down stage with Mrs. Tompkins.] Corners 
of your mouth are down, Viola. Not sorry you 
threw Tompkins over 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Looking anxiously towards hall] Ssh ! Don't — 
please. 

Sturtevant. 
[Laughing.] Oh, I see. [Seriously.] Look 
here, Viola, what are you doing with this fellow ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
I won't hurt him. 

Sturtevant. 

The question is, won't he hurt you ? How do you 
know he's the real thing? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
With that name? And look at him! 

Sturtevant. 
Yes, I know lots of them are something to look 
at, but they're stuffed with sawdust. I'll find out. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Coming down stage with Count.] Some time 
when we are alone Vamos a hablar Espanol, no 
que si ? 



142 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Count. 
[In ecstasy.] Ay, senora, la langua de mi patria ! 
You speak Spanish ! Why did you not tell me 
before ? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 

It isn't polite to speak in a language unknown to 
your hostess. [To Mrs. Tompkins.] Such a pity 
that you don't speak Spanish, Viola. 

Sturtevant. 
Never mind, Viola, you and I can talk Vermont, 
b-gosh, can't we? 

[Mrs. Tompkins is speechless with chagrin 
and disappointment. 

Count. 
[To Mrs. Sturtevant.] Esto me causa mucho 
placer ! Woat a joy to talk my Espanol weeth you, 
senora ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[To Sturtevant.] I'll learn Spanish to-mor- 
row. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Si, vamos a platicar juntos. [To Mrs. Tomp- 
kins.] I beg your pardon, Viola. [To Sturte- 
vant.] Come, dear. [Taking Mrs. Tompkins' 
reluctant hand.] Good-bye, dear. At eight o'clock. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[To Count.] My motor will call for you at 
seven-thirty. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 143 

Count. 
[Taking her hand, and looking deeply into her 
eyes.] You are very kind. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Come, Count. [Over her shoulder as she goes 
towards door.] Such a delightful afternoon, Viola. 

Count. 
[Following her.] Si, si, mucho gusto. 

Sturtevant. 
See you later, Viola. 

[Exeunt. Mrs. Tompkins stands a moment 
looking tozvards hall in anger, takes a turn 
or two about room as if trying to control 
herself, presses bell, then goes to desk 
upon which are the roses sent her by Mrs. 
Sturtevant. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Giving flowers a vicious poke.] Cat ! 

Chesterton. 
[Entering from butler's pantry.] You rang, 
madam. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Chesterton, telephone the Berlitz School to send 
me a Spanish professor — no, two Spanish profess- 
ors at once; order me a Spanish newspaper, — and 
then go right out and get me a Spanish poodle. 

Chesterton. 
[Gasping.] Yes, madam. Thank you, madam. 
Will that be all? 



144 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
All for the present. Oh, I'll have Spanish 
omelette for lunch. 

[Chesterton bows and exits. Mrs. Tomp- 
kins looks triumphant. 



CURTAIN 



ACT III 

SCENE. — The same as in Acts I and II. The 
time, 7 p. m. following day. 

The curtain rises upon a brilliantly lighted stage 
which for a moment is empty. Then, as in 
opening of Act I, Tompkins, looking some- 
what seedy, and with a soft hat pulled low 
over his face, enters stealthily. He carries a 
box similar to that carried in Act I. His 
movements are slow and cautious. There are 
occasional noises off stage to represent the 
slamming of doors or voices in adjoining rooms 
which cause Tompkins to start, and, for the 
instant, seek a hiding place. Tompkins casts 
frequent glances in the direction of Mrs. 
Tompkins' room. The business should be 
made ludicrous. Tompkins finally opens his 
box and takes out a bunch of red roses similar 
to those used in Act I. He moves tozvards the 
stairs as if about to go to Mrs. Tompkins' 
room, hears a noise, starts back, and looks 
about for a place to put the roses, catches sight 
of the American Beauty roses on the desk, 
snatches them jealously out of the vase, places 
his own therein, and is picking up the American 
Beauties when he hears approaching voices off 
stage. He looks about wildly, then pushing 
the flowers into the box, rushes, stumbling, up- 
stairs, and is just disappearing from landing at 

145 



I46 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

l. when Mrs. Tompkins pushes her door open. 
He makes a sudden bolt, closing the door 
quickly but noiselessly after him. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 

. [Off stage.] Ven — come — venga along. [Ap- 
pearing on landing, makes lip sound of coaxing a 
dog.] Venga along, Don Quixote. Nie 'ittle Don 
Quixote. Did he like his name? Come, venga 
vous. We must talk Spanish together, eh? [She 
descends stairs, a book in one hand, leading by the 
other a King Charles spaniel attached to a leash. 
As she proceeds she studies aloud, and with great 
absorption, the book she holds — a " Spanish at a 
Glance" text-book. Her pronunciation is ludi- 
crously atrocious. She makes very hard work of it, 
each effort being accompanied with queer facial 
expressions and contortions. Reading.] I have; 
you have ; he has. We have ; you have ; they have. 
Now — Yo tengo; you — tu — tew tiens; el tiene — 
tienie? — tien, — I dunno. Noso — nosotros ten — tene- 
mos. Nosotros tenemos. [Referring frequently to 
dog.] Eh? Well, rather. Nosotros tenemos a nice 
we have 'ittle doggie. [Turning to book.] Vosotros 
teneis. You have. [To dog.] You have a nice 'ittle 
mistress. Eh ? No que si ? Course you have. Ellos 
tienen. They have. There we know that. What 
are you, Donnie? [Searching in book.] What's 
dog? Ah, — perro. Don Quixote Perro. Si. My 
perro. Yo tengo a perro. Sounds like a new dance. 
Mi perro es lindo. Um, pretty perro, — tres lindo, 
n'est ce pas — si que no? [Laughing and hugging 
dog.] You comprehendo me, don't you? Of 
course. Oh, isn't this fun, Don Quixote? We can 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 47 

talk Spanish, can't we ? Si ! Well, I guess. Now 
listen. [Holds up finger to dog.] Buenos dias. 
Good day, Senor Don Quixote. [Making curtsey 
to dog.] Como esta? Vous? Won't you sit 
down? [Searching book.] Sit down? sit down? 
sit down? [Turning pages rapidly; to dog.] I 
hope you don't mind standing. — Ah, here it is ! 
Sientese Usted — who's Usted? Sientese vous le 
ruego. Sientese, — O, s'il vous plait. Buenos day, 
isn't it, si que no? Si, mucho tres buenos. Como 
esta ? Muy bien. Tiene Usted — there's that Usted 
again. Tiene Vosotros hambre ? Are you hungry ? 
Si. Coma Usted un poco mas? That means have 
another piece. Don't mention it. Que quiere 
Usted beber? What do you like to drink? Un 
vaso de vine ? Oh, perro will get wuzzy. Ho hum, 
this is mucho difficile, no que si ; si que no ? Si. 
[Chesterton is passing through hall.] Oh, 
Chesterton ? 

Chesterton. 
[u. c] Yes, madam? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Extending leash.] Here! Put Don Quixote in 
the perro-house — [with superior condescension] in 
the dog house. 

Chesterton. % 
Thank you, madam. 

[Takes leash and leads dog off stage. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Then come back, Chesterton. I want to talk to 
you about dinner. 



148 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Chesterton. 
Very good, madam. [Exit. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Turning attention to her book.] Ah! [Goes 
to desk, sits down, takes up pencil and paper, and 
with perplexed brows hunts words in book and 
writes.] Nosotros hablaremos juntos Espanol. 
[Folds paper and tucks it in her gown.] There! 
[Chesterton enters and coughs to announce pres- 
ence. Mrs. Tompkins looks up.] Oh! 

Chesterton. 
The dog, Don Quixote, madam, is in his — re- 
ceptacle. I await your further orders. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Ah, yes, Chesterton. Now about dinner; is 
everything arranged? 

Chesterton. 
[Taking paper from pocket and handing to Mrs. 
Tompkins.] Covers for four. The Count on your 
right,— the guest of honor 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[With ingratiating smile.] Quite so, Chesterton. 

Chesterton. 
[Bowing.] Thank you, madam. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
The flowers? 

Chesterton. 
A heart-shaped centerpiece of red roses 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 149 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Smiling dreamily.] Heart-shaped. [Suddenly. ] 
Oh, Chesterton, isn't that a little too — er — sug- 
gestive ? 

Chesterton. 
Oh, no, madam, — not to a Spaniard. They ex- 
pect it. They are a sentimental race, you know. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh ! Yes, I've noticed it. 

Chesterton. 
And I've taken the liberty of following a little 
Spanish custom that will touch the Count deeply. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
What's that? 

Chesterton. 
I have added the greeting " Salve." 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Bewildered.] Salve? What's that? 

Chesterton. 
Meaning, as you know,- — I notice you speak 
Spanish, madam — meaning " Welcome " ; the words 
in forget-me-nots and pansies. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Salve! Why, of course. A very pretty idea, 
Chesterton, 



ISO SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Chesterton. 
It will mean much to the Count. And the ices, 
madam, represent the American and Spanish flags 
united by a lovers' knot. 

Mrs, Tompkins. 
[Remonstrating.] Now, really, Chesterton 



Chesterton. 
You see the Spaniards are so fond of sentiment, 
if you will pardon my saying 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
You are right, no doubt. Yes, Chesterton, you 
are a very intelligent man. 

Chesterton. 
Thank you, madam. Some people do not recog- 
nize my qualities as you do. [Taking card from 
pocket.] The menu, madam. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[With a wave of the hand.] I wouldn't insult 
you by questioning it, Chesterton. 

Chesterton. 
[Bowing profoundly.] I am quite overcome, 
madam. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Don't mention it. 

Chesterton. 
And the wines, madam? 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 151 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
That's important. 

CHESTERTON; 

I'm using red as the color scheme. A fine old 
claret ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
And Sparkling Burgundy 

Chesterton. 
Red Cap, madam!? N - - 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Just the thing. 

Chesterton. 
Now for a liqueur, — Parfait Amour, if I may 
suggest. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[ With sigh. ] Parfait Amour ! Ah ! Chesterton, 
do you know what that means? 

Chesterton. 
[Matter-of-fact tone.] Oh, yes, madam — per- 
fect love. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Parfait Amour ! — Plenty of that, Chesterton. 

Chesterton. 
Very good, madam. 



152 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Taking key from desk.] Here's the key to the 
wine closet. 

Chesterton. 
[Taking it.] Thank you, madam. 

[Starts to exit. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
And, Chesterton. Very soft lights. 

Chesterton. 
Yes, madam. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
And Spanish music on the Victrola. 

Chesterton. 
Quite so. Carmen. Something tender, madam? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Ah, Chesterton, I wonder how I ever kept house 
without you. 

Chesterton. 

If I may be permitted to say so, I hope you will 
never keep house without me — again. [Door-bell 
rings.] You will pardon me, madam? [Exits R. 
Mrs. Tompkins hurriedly takes up mirror from 
drawer in desk, uses rouge, lip-salve and brushes 
her face with powder, keeping one eye on the 
entrance all the time. Chesterton appears; 
coughs, u. c] Count Adolf o De la Nochebuena. 

[Exits u. L. 
Mrs. Tompkins. 

[Coming forward.] Ah, Count! 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 53 

Count. 
[Rushing tozvards her, and taking both hands in 
his.] Ay, senora, dearest lady, you weell pardone 
me! I could not stay away. 

[Kisses her hands ardently. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Archly.] Has the day been so long? 

Count. 
It has been the misery eternal. And you, dear 
lady, — have you miss me one leetle bit? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Just one leetle bit, [Coyly. 

Count. 
Ay, luz de mis ojos, — light of my eye ! And what 
was that leetle bit? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Atrocious pronunciation with childlike confi- 
dence and naivete.] Buenos day, Senor Count. 
Como star vous Usted? Star my bien? Compre- 
hendo Vous Usted me? 

Count. 
What language ! Caramba ! Que lingua es eso ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, don't mention vous Usted. No trouble. S'il 
vous plait, Senor Count. Sientese vous. Sitzen 
Sie. [Quickly covering mouth.] Dear me, how I 
do mix the languages. Pandonnez usted mio, 
please. 



154 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Count. 
[Puzzled.] You will pardon me, madame, I am 
stooped, — I do not understand, — I 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Taking paper from her gown.] Why — [read- 
ing with unintelligible pronunciation] Nosotros 
hablaremos juntos Espanol ! 

Count. 
Please, madame, woat does it mean? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Why, don't you know your own language? It 
means : " We must speak Spanish together." 

Count. 
[With look of comprehension.] Nosotros 
hablaremos Espanol juntos. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
What's that mean? 

Count. 
It is the same, madame : " We must speak Spanish 
together." 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
I should never know it. 

Count. 

[Leading Mrs. Tompkins to divan.] Come; — I 

will teach you. [Both sitting.] Muy bien, noso- 
tros hablaremos Espanol juntos. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 155 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
That sounds like a very uncomfortable mouth- 
ful ; — in fact, a good square meal. Let's take it in 
spoonfuls. 

Count. 
[Laughing.] Si, — like the pills, — non? Now — 
nosotros 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Watching Count's lips, and trying to imitate.'] 
Nos-o-tros. 

Count. 
Muy bien ! Good. Hablaremos. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Struggling. ] Ha-ha-hab-al — — 

Count. 
Hablaramos. 

Mrs. Tompkins.] 
Hab-lar-amos. 

Count. 
Si, si, si. Now, Espanol. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Glibly, with toss of head.] Espanol. Now 
we're coming out into the open. Espanol. 

Count. 
Muy bien ! Primoroso ! Now, the last, — juntos. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Eh? 



156 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Count. 
Juntos. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
My book says jun-tos, j-u-n; jun-tos. 

Count. 
No, no, no. We haive no " zhay " in Espanol. 
They are all " hash." 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Laughing.] Your jays are hash? Well, some 
of ours ought to be! 

Count. 
[Attempting to understand, and laughing per- 
functorily.] Si, si, si. For you "hash" is easy, 
no que si? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
We find it easy. 

Count. 
Then you say " juntos." 

Mrs. Tompkins. 

Ju-Hu-Hew [Laughing. 

Count. 
Ay, no, no, no. If bewtiful senora weell make 
her mouth like she weell say " o," and then weeth 
her lovely lips — like the rose — weell say " u," she 

weell get it correct, like this. U-u 

[Bending towards her. 

Mrs. Tompkins; 
[Trying to imitate.] Ooee — ooeeu. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 57 

Count and Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Together.] U-u-u. 

[Their lips are so close together that the 
Count stoops as if to kiss Mrs. Tomp- 
kins. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Drawing away.] I guess I'll leave this for a 
windy day. Teach me something awfully Spanish. 

Count. 
Ay, senora. I weell teach you the most bewtiful 
thing in our language. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, do! What is it? 

Count. 
Yo te amo. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Matter-of-fact tone.] Yo ? 

Count. 
Te amo. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Yotamo? What's that? 

Count. 
[Ardently.] It ees woat my heart sing. It ees 
all the music— all the poetry, — all the beauty of our 
language; — those three leetle words. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Really? I must learn them, — Spanish in a nut- 
shell. What do they mean ? 



158 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Count. 
They say "I love you." [Taking her hands.] 
Ay, senora, mi vida, mi alma, mi [Chester- 
ton enters with a large florist's box. On seeing the 
situation, he coughs. Mrs. Tompkins starts in 
embarrassment, while the Count glowers in anger 
at Chesterton. Under his breath.] Caramba! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Starting up.] What is it, Chesterton? 

Chesterton. 
A box for you, madam. 

Mrs. Tompkins.; 
Where from? 

Chesterton. 
Budd's, the florist, madam. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
That's for the dinner table. Take it away. 

Chesterton. 
I am very sorry to disturb you, but it says " De- 
liver immediately," and has a card. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
A card? 

Count. 
[Stepping forward.] Ay, senora, si, si. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Ah, Count, I have you to thank? 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 59 

Count. 
1 theenk so, — er — er — that is — I think I haeve the 
pleasure of being the geever, no? [With a formal 
bow.] A leetle token of 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, not before Chesterton, Count. [To Chester- 
ton.] Open it, Chesterton. [Chesterton takes 
box up stage, and proceeds to do her bidding.] It 
was so sweet of you, Count — the dear blossoms! 
[Putting her hand over her heart.] I will wear 
them here. [Chesterton holds up funeral floral 
piece in form of a wreath with the inscription "AT 

REST " in large letters. ] Here, near my heart 

[Chesterton holds the wreath gingerly. 

Count. 
[Hastily.] Ah, no, no — not there, madam, not 
there! You do not understand! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Shaking her finger at the Count coquettishly.] 
Oh, now, — now ! They are mine, and I know where 
they belong! [Still looking at the Count.] Bring 
the sweet blossoms here, Chesterton. [Chester- 
ton assumes a tragic expression, and advances 
slowly on tiptoes, holding wreath at arm's length. 
Mrs. Tompkins staggers back, with a shriek of 
horror.] O-oh! — O-oh! [Hushed voice.] Who's 
dead? [Chesterton shakes his head. 

Count. 
[Sympathetically.] The good Mr. Tompkins. 



160 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[ With fright. ] Oh ! No ! When ! 

[Shows great pain. 

Count. 
[Surprised.] Wen? Isn't he dead? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[With expression of dawning comprehension.] 
O-oh ! — o-oh ! [Hysterical laugh.] Poor dear Mr. 
Tompkins ! 

[Quickly feigns sorrow, buries her face in 
her handkerchief, making a peculiar sound, 
as of weeping. 

Count. 
In memory of him who was so dear, I haeve 
take the liberty. [Waving hand towards wreath. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
O-oh! O-oh! 

Count. 
You are not hurt, sefiora? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[From her handkerchief.] Oh — no — delighted. 
And I know Mr. Tompkins would appreciate it. 

Chesterton. 
[In hushed voice.] I am very sorry, madam — if 
I may be permitted to say 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Laughs hysterically.] Don't, Chesterton, — 
don't. [Looks from Chesterton to the Count, 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW l6l 

from the Count to Chesterton, starts to take the 
wreath, then draws back in fear.] Oh, dear! Oh, 
dear! Oh, dear! [Looks about distractedly. 

Chesterton. 
[To Count.] I fear, sir, the blow is too much 
for her. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Seising the cue.] Ah, Count, you will pardon 
my sorrow. This is too — too much ! [Count 
makes gesture of sympathy.] Oh, dear! — Chester- 
ton. [Chesterton is holding the wreath reluc- 
tantly, as if its touch were repulsive.] Chesterton, 
put it down. [Chesterton looks about vaguely.] 
Put it down ! [Shaking her hands in the air.] 
Anywhere! Anywhere! [Chesterton puts it 
carefully on the table.] That will do. Oh, dear! 
Oh, dear! 

Chesterton. 
Y-es, madant [Waits.] Er — is there anything 
else I can do — in this hour of sadness ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Sorrowfully. ] No — no, Chesterton, thank you. 

Chesterton. 
Was it — er — sudden, madam, — if I may be per- 
mitted to ask? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Looking up from her handkerchief.] Sudden? 
What? Oh, yes, — yes, very sudden. Quite took 
his breath away. 



162 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Chesterton. 
Is it possible ! — I am very sorry — very sorry. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Face in handkerchief, sighing deeply.] Ah, 
yes. — Leave me, Chesterton — leave me to my sor- 
row. 

Chesterton. 
[Going towards door on tiptoe.] Yes, madam. 

[Exits. 

Count. 

[Going to Mrs. Tompkins, who, with her face 
partly averted, is looking about helplessly.] Ay, 
senora, I fear I haive tear the wound open again. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
O-oh, Count, o-oh ! It is your beautiful thoughts 
that move me. 

[Feigns weeping. The Count puts his arm 
about her., 

Count. 
Pleese, let them move you to sit down, senora, — 
pleese ! [Leads her to a chair beside the table upon 
which is the wreath; sits in chair on opposite side.] 
Ay, senora, let the tears fall. Weep, dear lady, 
weep! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Trying valiantly to do his bidding, starts to put 
her head on the table, but, coming in contact with 
the wreath, draws back in horror.] O-oh ! O-oh! 
What shall I do! [Looking at wreath hopelessly.] 
Where — where shall I put it? 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 163 

Count. 
May I beg, senora, that we — together — place 
theese — theese leetle token of remembrance on the 
grave of the dear, lost, and gone Meester Tompkins. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Jumping up wildly and putting her hands to her 
head, looking about frantically.] The grave! — The 
grave ! — My God, the grave ! [Laughs hysterically. 

Count. 
[Taking her hand soothingly.] Senora, pleese! 
You will calm yourself, — yes? Pleese! [Mrs. 
Tompkins looks at him wildly.] Let us go there 
together — quietly, silently — on tiptoe — weethout a 
sound. 

[Walking with her to illustrate method of 
approach. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Meditating, repeats mechanically.] On tiptoe? 
Weethout a sound? Oh, we couldn't! It's so far 
away ! — It's in — New Orleans ! 

Count. 
Dios mio ! That is the hot place, si que no ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Yes, yes. That's home to Tompkins. Home at 
last! 

Count. 
And [pointing to wreath] at rest. Ay, senora, 
it is very hard for you to be so far avay, — but 



1 64 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

[cheerfully] do not sorrow. Some day you vill be 
weeth him there — beside him — there in the — er hot 
place — woat you call it? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
How comforting you are ! 

Count. 
It make me happy to be of the slightest comfort, 
dear lady. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
This is — I assure you — the slightest. 

Count. 
Thank you, senora. [Pause.] You haive nevair 
told me about his last days. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Gasping, and looking about in desperation.] 
Last days ! — oh, dear ! 

[Puts handkerchief to eyes to gain time. 
Tompkins appears at l. on landing. His 
movements are stealthy and cautious. He 
starts back at sound of voices, then peers 
down, advancing slowly as he does so, 
stopping on each step and showing various 
emotions as he gradually grasps the situa- 
tion. He finally reaches the lower hall, 
where he stands in the background. 

Count. 
Ay, si, si, senora ! It is the silence that make the 
heart break. Pleese, tell me about the end. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 165 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
The end? [Vaguely.] Why, — it was — why — 
just simply — an ending. 

Count. 
But how did he die, sefiora? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Die? — Why he — er — he — [with airy movement of 
the hands] just died— don't you know. You know 
how it is, — [Count shakes his head] you know, — 
just lie down and die. You know — turn your face 
towards the wall and sort of evaporate. 

Count. 
And nothing more? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Thinking hard.] Nothing — nothing. 

Count. 
And no — cause for his death, sefiora? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, nothing to speak of, — just a little colic. 

Count. * 

[Amazed. ] Colic ! That is wat the babies haive, 
no que si? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Er — yes, — you see he grew childish at the last. 

Count. 
And he did die of nothing but colic, sefiora ? 



166 . SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Um — well — just a touch of measles, too. 

Count. 
That also is another child's disease, si que no? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Yes, yes, — he grew more childish every minute. 
In fact, we were dreadfully afraid he was going to 
cut a new set of eye teeth. 

Count. 
Caramba ! I haive never heard the like ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, yes, indeed. It was a wholly original idea. 
You see Mr. Tompkins was not like other men. 

Count. 
No ? But nobody did ever die of such things. 
Was there nothing more ? 

[Tompkins shows mingled amusement and 



tation. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Desperately.] Well — yes. He had just a sug- 
gestion of pneumonia, — and a dash of hydrophobia, 
— [gestures to suit words] and a sprinkling of small- 
pox. 

^ Count. 

Santissima Virgen ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Just a few little odds and ends like that, you 



know. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 167 

Count. 
He did suffer much? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, no ! He really rather enjoyed it. Gave him 
something to do. 

Count. 
To do? Woatdidhedo? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Why — die. 

Count. 
To die and leave you ! Ay, that was hard ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, no, — not for him. You see before we were 
married he said he would die for me, and after we 
were married he insisted upon keeping his word. 
He was so conscientious! 

Count. 
But death, sefiora ; it is terrible ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Not for poor, dear Tompkins. Many times I 
have heard him say during the last year of our 
happy married life that death would have no sting 
for him. He spoke of it as a bed — of roses. 

[Tompkins begins running his fingers 
through his hair as if trying to restrain 
himself. Begins to move restlessly back 
and forth in hall like a caged lion, stopping 
from time to time to catch the next sen- 
tence. 



1 68 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Count. 
Und now the good man is [pointing to wreath] 
on his bed of roses — away off there in the hot 
place. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Burying face in handkerchief.] Poor, poor 
dear! Ah, that I might have some message from 
him — some little token of those happy days ! [Look- 
ing towards desk, catches sight of roses, starts back 
in fright and screams. ] O-oh ! 

[Tompkins halts suddenly and stands like a 
statue, awaiting further developments. 

Count. 
[Going to Mrs. Tompkins.] Woat ees it, se- 
fiora? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Clinging to him, and keeping her eyes riveted on 
roses. ] Those roses ! Did you bring them ? 

Count. 

No — only thees little token 

[Pointing to wreath. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[In terror.] He's been here ! 

Count. 
Who, senora? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
He may be here now! [Looking about room 
fearfully, catches sight of Tompkins standing like 
an avenging spirit in the center of the hall.] Tomp- 
kins ! [Draws away from the Count. ] O-oh ! 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 169 

Count. 
[Drawing her closer to him, looks in direction of 
the hall.] Santissima Virgen ! Who ees that? 

Tompkins. 
[In sepulchral tones.] I am Tompkins' ghost! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Getting behind Count.] O-oh! 

Count. 
Ay, Dios mio, senora! — [Turning to Mrs. Tomp- 
kins, but she goes about him in a circle, always 
keeping out of range of his eyes, and motioning to 
Tompkins to go away. Tompkins pays no atten- 
tion to her, but continues regarding her with a 
steady, reproachfid gaze. ] Madame, where are you ? 
[Catching her and holding her, trembling.] Who 
is this man? 

Tompkins. 
I am Tompkins' ghost ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Who is he ? Why — I don't know. 

Tompkins. 
[Coming forward and pulling the Count from 
Mrs. Tompkins with such force that he throws the 
Count against the wall.] Take your hands off 
that woman! 

Count. 
[Trembling.] That is no ghost, senora! 



170 SHE KNOWS BETTER NO IV 

Tompkins. 
[Doubling up his fists and threatening the 
Count.] You'll find out whether I'm a ghost or 
not! 

Count. 
[Rushing behind piece of furniture for protec- 
tion.] Caramba! Sefiora, who is this man? 

Tompkins. 
[Sneeringly to Mrs. Tompkins.] Yes, who am 
I? Tell your bull-fighting sword swallower. 

Count. 
You insult me ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, what a dreadful man ! [To Tompkins with 
bravado.] Who are you? 

Tompkins. 
Well, you lived with me long enough to know. 

Count. 
Lived with you, sefiora ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
With me! [To Count.] I never saw him be- 
fore in my life. 

Count. 
[With finality.] Sefiora, he is crazy! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Crazy ! That's it ! That's just it ! 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW I?I 

Tompkins. 
Am I? Well, you'll find out. [To Count, with 
a quick turn.] Do you want to know who I am? 
I'm Nick Tompkins — once master of this house. 
Understand ? 

Count. 
[Hoarsely.] Woat? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Limply.] Did you ever! [To Count.] But 
we must agree with him. They say you must al- 
ways agree with crazy people. [To Tompkins, 
soothingly.] Yes, you're Nicholas Tompkins. 
Nice old Nick. [Stroking his arm. 

Tompkins. 
[Pushing her off, to Count, more fiercely.] And 
do you want to know who she is? [Pointing to 
Mrs. Tompkins.] Well, that's my wife. 

Count. 
[To Mrs. Tompkins.] A very bad case, sefiora? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, you've no idea how bad it is ! 

Count. 

I haive heard, madame, that music is quieting to 
the crazy. I vill sing to him. 

[Goes to piano and begins singing, very 
badly, a Spanish song. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[To Tompkins.] You brute! What do you 
mean by coming here ! 



172 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Tompkins. 
Um. To break up your little schemes! So I'm 
dead, am I? [To Count.] Shut up! [Count 
gradually sings with greater and greater volume.] 
Died of hydrophobia, did I ? [To Count.] Shut up, 
I tell you ! Shut up, or I will die of hydrophobia. 
[To Mrs. Tompkins.] I'm in the hot place! [In 
desperation at Count's singing.] See here, I'll 
give you five seconds to get out of here ! 

[Throws zvreaih into hall. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Going to Count and laying a restraining hand 
upon his arm.] He's getting worse. You'd better 
go- 

Count. 
And leave you, senora ? It wouldn't be safe. I 
will protect you. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
I have wonderful soothing powers. 

Tompkins. 
You get out of here, or I'll help you out. 

[Makes rush at Count, who dodges him in 
fright. 

Count. 
[Waving his hands as if pursued by hornets.] 
Vaya ! Vaya, you madman ! 

Tompkins. 
[Catching him by the throat.] You'd put a 
wreath on my grave, would you? [Shaking him.] 
I'll put that damn wreath on your grave first ! 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 173 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Trying to separate them.] Don't! Don't hurt 
him, Nick. 

Tompkins. 

You think you'll get my wife, do you, you pickled 
shrimp ! [Shakes him more violently. 

Count. 

Help ! Help ! Dios mio, — he will kill me ! Help ! 
[As if by magic appear in hall two Custom 
House Officers, and a Woman In- 
spector. The men are dressed in the uni- 
forms of their position; the woman in 
plain, tailor-made suit of blue serge. 

First Officer. 
[Coming forward, authoritatively.] What's the 
trouble here? 

Count. 
[Pointing to Tompkins.] Thees is one crazy 
man. He would keell me ! 

Tompkins. 
[Stammering in surprise.] Eh? Who the 
devil ? 

First Officer. 
[Shaking Tompkins.] The quieter you keep the 
better it will be for you. [To Mrs. Tompkins.] 
I'll look after him. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Why — why, who are you? , 



174 SHE KNOWS BETTER NO IV 

First Officer. 
Officers of the law. Our visit may prove for- 
tunate for you in this respect if unfortunate in an- 
other. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
What do you mean ? 

First Officer. 
We are Custom House officers. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Staggering backward, clutching the back of a 
chair. ] Custom House officers. — O-oh ! 

[Collapses in chair. 

Tompkins. 
[Tearing himself away from the officer and rush- 
ing to Mrs. Tompkins.] Viola, my darling! 

Second Officer. 
[Pulling Tompkins away.] Come here, you 
crazy loon! 

First Officer. 
[To Second Officer.] Put the twisters on him 
if he troubles you. 

Woman Inspector. 
[To First Officer.] I'll take care of her. 

[Takes flask from hand-bag, places it at Mrs. 
Tompkins' lips and tries to revive her. 
Second Officer shakes a pair of handcuffs 
threateningly at Tompkins, who subsides 
into a chair. , 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 175 

Tompkins. 



See here, I'm 



Second Officer. 
[Shaking handcuffs.] This is what you'll get. 

Tompkins. 
[To Count.] The halter's what you'll get. 

Second Officer. 
[Pushing Tompkins back into chair.] Stay 
there. 

[Mrs. Tompkins shows signs of reviving 
consciousness. She groans once or twice, 
then opens her eyes, Tompkins watching 
her solicitously. Seeing the officers, she 
closes her eyes quickly, and groans some 
more. 

Woman Inspector. 
[In kindly tone.] Are you feeling better, madam? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Opening her eyes, and looking up.] Oh, — oh, 
where am I ? 

First Officer. 
[Peremptorily.] Well, madam? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Trying to assume bravado.] Oh! — You will 
pardon this little collapse ? 

First Officer. 
Certainly, madam. We are quite accustomed to 
such collapses. 



176 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[With frightened, guilty look.] Oh, really? 
[To Woman Inspector; sotto-voce.] Have they 
caught you? 

Woman Inspector. 
[With humorous smile.] Not yet. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Puzzled.] Have I had the pleasure of meeting 
you before? 

Woman Inspector. 
I think not. This is your first experience in 
passing the Customs, is it not ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[With quick suspicion.] Who are you! 

Woman Inspector. 
I am an inspector, — [Mrs. Tompkins gives a lit- 
tle gasp] and have come to make things easy and 
free from embarrassment for you, — as only one 
woman can do for another. I trust 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Drawing herself up with dignity.] Well, really, 
I think you are assuming an unnecessary responsi- 
bility. [ To First Officer. ] Er — this visit is quite 
unexpected, you know. 

First Officer. 
[Matter-of-fact tone.] Most of our visits are 
unexpected, madam. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 7/ 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Yes? [With szveet smile.] However, it's al- 
ways a pleasure to meet a gentleman. 

First Officer. 
[Amused, inclines his head.] Thank you. 
[Pause.] I am very sorry to cause you annoy- 
ance 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Annoyance. Impossible! 

First Officer. 
But I must question you in regard to some jewelry 
you purchased in Paris, and did not declare. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[In feigned bewilderment.] Jewelry? Perfectly 
absurd ! 

First Officer. 
You deny it? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Why, of course. 

First Officer. 
[Producing paper from pocket.] I have a war- 
rant to search your house if you do not produce 
the goods. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Indifferently.] To search my house for jewelry? 
I should be very angry with you, — but I never for- 
get to be a lady ; besides I always believe in encour- 



178 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

aging honesty and every effort in the performance 
of duty. [Waving her hand towards the door.] 
If you wish to search my house. It's really not in 
perfect order, but you see I have only just come 
home, — and 

First Officer. 
We will make as little disturbance as possible. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, make yourself right at home. 

Tompkins. 
Yes, take the key to the wine cellar. 

First Officer. 
[To Second Officer.] Watkins, we will search 
the house. 

[Mrs. Tompkins tries to conceal her pertur- 
bation. 

Second Officer. 
[Touching cap.] Yes, sir. 

[Goes upstairs, and into Mrs. Tompkins' 
room. First Officer exchanges a few 
words with Woman Inspector, who nods 
her head as if receiving instructions. 
First Officer goes upstairs. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Makes movement of following officers, then 
turns quickly, as if catching herself. To Woman 
Inspector, who is watching her with a smile ] Oh, 
wouldn't you like to go too? 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 179 

Woman Inspector. 
Thank you, I think I should like to have a little 
talk with you here. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, that will be awfully jolly. [Awkward 
pause.] Please don't stand. Mr. Tom, — er — that 
is, Mr. Nochebuena here will, I'm sure, find a com- 
fortable chair for you. 

Count. 
[Gallantly; after moment of puzzled hesitation.] 
Weeth pleasure. [Draws forward chair. 

Woman Inspector. 
[Studying Count closely.] Thank you. 

[Sits down. 

Count. 

[Drawing from pocket the jewelled cigarette case 
which Mrs. Tompkins gave him earlier in the act.] 
Weell senorina smoke? 

Woman Inspector. 

No, thank « [Noticing case.] Oh, if I may? 

[To Mrs. Tompkins, who smiles graciously.] 
Can't seem to get that cigarette out. [Trying to 
extricate one.] If you will allow me. [Takes case 
in hand, removes a cigarette, closes case, examining 
cover closely.] Thank you. [Returns case to 
Count; smells cigarette.] Very fine tobacco. 

Count. 
Si, si. My weakness. 



180 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Tompkins. 
Humph ! E pluribus unum. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[To Woman Inspector.] Now do sit down and 
tell me what put this perfectly preposterous idea 
into your apparently clever mind that I — / would 
stoop to anything so degrading as smuggling. 

[Count and Mr. Tompkins are following 
this interview with close attention, the 
Count showing more and more plainly 
that he wishes to get away, Tompkins, 
when not glowering at the Count, show- 
ing amusement and exidtation. 

Woman Inspector. 
You were in Paris about two months ago? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Deliberating.] In Paris? Paris, did you say? 
[The Inspector nods.] Let me think. Really, 
you know, we Americans travel so spasmodically 
it's sometimes almost impossible to remember in the 
morning where we were the day before. I should 
have to consult my little book entitled " My Trip 
Abroad " to verify that statement. 

Woman Inspector. 

Perhaps if you would consult also your expense 
book 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, dear me, I'm not a commercial traveller! — 
[Thoughtfully.] If I could only associate it with 
something 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW l8l 

Woman Inspector. 
Might I suggest a certain jewelry shop in the 
RueDeLa Paix? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
But you know every other shop there is a jewelry 
shop. 

Woman Inspector. 
Ah, you do recall that! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Well, really, you couldn't get by without noticing 
them. They'd dazzle the blind. 

Woman Inspector. 
Possibly you'll recall certain pieces of jewelry 
which dazzled your eyes particularly? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Wearily.] Jewelry doesn't interest me in the 
least. 

Woman Inspector. 
Those ear-pendants you are wearing rather con- 
■ tradict your words. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Putting her hands to her ears guiltily, then 
quickly.] Oh! — oh, aren't they hideous? [Seeing 
Tompkins' amusement.] A gift from my first 
husband. 

[Count and Tompkins start in surprise. 

Woman Inspector. 
First husband! 



1 82 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Count. 
Tompkins ! 

Woman Inspector. 
[Taking paper from pocket and consulting it.] 
I was not informed that you had married again, 
madam. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[With coy glance at Count.] Well, not exactly 
married. 

Tompkins. 
[Clenching his fist.] O-oh ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[To Officer.] But who gave you information 
about me? 

Woman Inspector. 
A description of you was given me with the 
warrant. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, really! How interesting! I should like to 
hear it. Won't you read it ? It would be so amus- 
ing! 

Woman Inspector. 
Certainly, if you think it would afford you pleas- 
ure. [Reads.] "Name, Mrs. Viola Tompkins, 
divorced wife of Mr. Nicholas Tompkins." 

Count. 
Divorced ! 

[Looks questioningly at Mrs. Tompkins. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 183 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Momentary confusion, followed by quick re- 
covery.] Error number one. [Count shows relief. 

Woman Inspector. 
[Reading.] "Age, uncertain; probably forty, 
disguisedly twenty-five or thirty." 

[Tompkins chuckles. Count regards her 
critically. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
The insult! [Smiling at Count.] Error num- 
ber two. 

Woman Inspector. 
[Reading.] " Eyes, blue." 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
, How definite ! There being but one other possible 
color. 

Woman Inspector. 
[Reading.] " Hair, blond; presumably by chem- 
ical process ; probably detachable." 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Indignantly. ] O-oh ! 

Woman Inspector. 
It amuses you, madam? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[With forced gaiety.] It's perfectly killing! 

Woman Inspector. 
[Reading.] "Complexion, artificial infantile 
pink." 



1 84 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Rising in indignation and pacing the floor, much 
to the amusement of Tompkins and the Officer.] 
I'll not listen to such indignities. You see on the 
face of it that it's a slanderous assault ! 

Tompkins. 
[Softly.] Whose face, dearest? 

Woman Inspector. 
[To Tompkins.] That'll do. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[With sudden thought.] Now, I do remember 
there was a very cheap, vulgar woman, answering 
that description, who put up at the same hotel in 
Paris. [Indignantly.] Do you suppose she had 
the neurotic audacity to infringe upon my person- 
ality? 

Tompkins. 
Quite possible, darling. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Victoriously.] That's it! That's it! I've 
solved it ! [Inspector and Tompkins look amused; 
the Count appears mystified. ] They ought to have 
me at the Custom House ! 

Woman Inspector. 
[Significantly.] That's the object of my visit. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Stopping short.] What? 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 185 

Woman Inspector. 
To ask you to accompany me to the Custom House 
to clear this matter up. 

[Mrs. Tompkins appears perturbed. The 
two Officers descend stairs as the last 
two or three lines are being spoken. 

First Officer. 
[Coming forward; to Woman Inspector.] Has 
she admitted her guilt ? 

Woman Inspector. 
Not in actual words, but 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Drawing herself up with dignity.] Indeed! 
[Turning upon Officer, indignantly ; yet anxiously.] 
And you, sir ? Did you find anything ? 

First Officer. 
Not the goods I'm looking for 



Mrs. Tompkins. 
[ Triumphantly. ] Ah-ha ! 

[Count shows relief, and sits doivn slapping 
his knees as if the matter were closed. 

First Officer. 
— but I found a bill of them. 

Count. 
[Starting up.] Caramba! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[With suppressed cry.] O-oh ! 



1 86 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Woman Inspector. 
[Taking paper from her pocket.] Read it, and 
we'll see if it corresponds with this. 

Second Officer. 
[Reads.] " Arnaud & Fils, Rue De La Paix. 
Pendants d'oreille, perle et diamant Fr. 5000" 

Woman Inspector. 
[Reading from paper he is holding.] " Arnaud & 
Son, Rue De La Paix. Ear-Pendants, pearl and 
diamond Fr. 5000" 

Second Officer. 
[Reads. ] " Bague, diamant Fr. 5000" 

Woman Inspector. 
[Reads.] " Ring, diamond .Fr. 5000" 

Second Officer. 

[Reads.] " Collier de perles, agrafe lettre ' S/ 

Fr. 25,000 " 

Woman Inspector. 
[Reads.] "Pearl necklace, clasp letter ' S,' 

Fr. 25,000 " 

Second Officer. 
[Reads.] "Porte-Cigarette avec diamants et 
rubies Fr. 2500 " 

Woman Inspector. 
[Reads.] "Cigarette case with diamonds and 

rubies Fr. 2500 " 

[Looks questioningly at Mrs. Tompkins.] Well? 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 187 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Innocently, with winning smile.] Well? 

First Officer. 
You admit the purchase now ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Shrugging her shoulders.] I know nothing 
about it. 

First Officer. 
The bill is made out to you. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Merely a coincidence. 

First Officer. . 
[Sternly.] Madam, you must forfeit the goods. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
How can I when I haven't them? 

Woman Inspector. 
The pendants are in your ears. [Mrs. Tompkins 
puts her hands to her ears in alarm.] The ring is 
on your finger. 

Tompkins. 
[Chuckling.] Any bells on your toes, Viola? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Insolent brute ! 

Tompkins. 
Even the dead could enjoy this. 

[Settles back in his chair and laughs. 



1 88 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Beast! [To Woman Inspector.] How dare 
you east aspersions on my family heirlooms ! This 
ring was given me by my husband 

Tompkins. 
Generous old cuss ! 

First Officer. 
Can you furnish proofs of that? 

Tompkins. 
Wanted ; a voice from the grave ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Helplessly to Tompkins.] Oh, why don't you 
help me out? 

Tompkins. 
I am dippy, darling. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
O-oh! [Turning in desperation to Woman In- 
spector. ] Oh, won't you help me ! You said you 
would; — as one woman should help another. 

Woman Inspector. 
[With sympathy.] Madam, we have positive 
proof that you purchased those articles in Paris, 
that you brought them in without payment of duty. 
You are, therefore, guilty of smuggling. You can- 
not evade the law. A full confession will make it 
the easier for you. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Confess? Confess what? 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 89 

Woman Inspector. 
The truth. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
The truth ? [Blankly. ] Why, what is the truth ? 

Woman Inspector. 
That you purchased the goods. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Weakening.] Bu-but — I didn't. 

First Officer. 
Do you swear it? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, you wouldn't have me so blasphemous ! 

First Officer. 
[Impatiently.] ,Do you deny it absolutely? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
I — I don't admit it. 

First Officer. 
Unless you recall it you will, I'm sorry to say, 
have to suffer the consequences. 

[The Count, seeing that things are beginning 
to look rather black for Mrs. Tompkins, 
is slowly and stealthily moving towards the 
hall, the Second Officer watching 
carefully out of the corner of his eye, 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Wha-what are the consequences ? 



190 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

First Officer. 
You will be arrested. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Frightened. ] No ! oh, no ! 

[Count is just slipping out when the Second 
Officer touches him on the arm and mo- 
tions him to a chair. The Count expostu- 
lates in pantomime, but finally obeys. 

First Officer. 
Such will be my duty. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[After a moment's thought.] Well, — to tell the 
truth, I did buy the pendants and ring, — but, you 
see, it was the dying request of my husband. [Mr. 
Tompkins convulsed with laughter.] And so I 
look upon them as his gift. [With indignant look at 
Tompkins.] He really should pay the duty. 

First Officer. 
We deal only with the living. 

[Tompkins laughs uproariously. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[To Tompkins.] Oh, you unsympathetic 
wretch ! 

First Officer. 

[Consulting bill.] You also purchased, as the 
bill reads, [Woman Inspector zvatches Count] a 
cigarette case with diamonds and rubies, and a neck- 
lace of pearls. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 191 

[Count starts up, and once more expostu- 
lates with Second Officer, but is forced 
rather roughly back into his chair. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[ With feigned surprise. ] Honestly ! 

First Officer. 
As to that I cannot say. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[ Thinks a moment. ] Could I have bought those ? 
[Pause.] You know, there was, — I remember it 
now — there was one day I spent in Paris that I 
never could recall. 

Tompkins. 
A very common occurrence in Paris. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Um, — and I spent several thousands of dollars 
that I haven't been able to account for. 

Tompkins. 
Also a common occurrence in that city. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Well, perhaps I did buy them, but it's a complete 
surprise to me — such a surprise that you could 
knock me over with an ostrich plume. [Rising 
with a gracious smile, as if the matter were closed. ] 
Now, although I've enjoyed your visit more than I 
can say, I'll have to excuse you because I'm giving 
a dinner to-night. [Amorous glance at Count, 
who now seems more at ease.] Please send in your 



192 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

bill at the end of the month, — not before the end of 
the month, remember, for I've come home down 
at the heel. 

First Officer. 
I'm sorry, but the Custom House doesn't conduct 
its business in that manner. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Indignantly.] Why not? It's the only busi- 
nesslike way. I can give you as references 

First Officer. 
No, madam, I cannot leave this house without 
you unless you forfeit all the goods and furnish 
bond. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Terrified.] But I can't. 

[Count again shows perturbation. 

First Officer. 

In that case you will have to go with us ! 

[Count looks about desperately for escape. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
You'll arrest me ! 

First Officer. 
If you wish to put it that way. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
I'll have to go to jail ! 

[Tompkins shows sympathy. 

First Officer. 
That depends. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 193 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Thoroughly frightened; to Woman Inspector.] 
Oh, no ! No ! You wouldn't do that ! 

Woman Inspector. 
I am sorry, madam. I cannot change the law. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Distracted.] But can't I do anything! That 
would kill me ! 

Woman Inspector. 
If you can furnish bond. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
But I haven't the money just now. If you could 
wait 

First Officer. 
You must, or go with us. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Walking about and wringing her hands.] Oh, 
what shall I do ! [Looks appealingly at Tompkins. 

Tompkins. 
[Pointing towards Count.] A friend in need, 
you know. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Brightening as she looks at the Count, who 
turns his back upon her. ] Ah, Count, I can rely on 
you. [Sighs in relief. 

Count. 
[Making gesture of repudiation.] Ay, sefiora, 
pleese. 



194 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Pleadingly.] You will help me ! 

Count. 
I could not. No, no, no ! I could not be con- 
nected weeth anything so dishonorable. You vill 
understand, I am sure. — My work — my King. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
You won't help me ! 

Count. 
It would be my pleasure, but now, already, you 
see it is not in the question. [Pause.] I fear my 
presence here may cause you the un-com-for-table', 
— no que si? You may trust me, senora. I weell 
not mention thees. I weell keep it all in — woat 
you say? — in the shade, si que no? And now to 
make eet the easy for you to go to preeson I weell 
go, no que si ? Si, si. Muy bien, good luck, senora. 
A Dios. [Starts towards door. 

Tompkins. 
The cur! 

First Officer. 
[To Count.] Just a moment, please. 

Count. 
I know nothing — nothing about thees woman. 
She is one stranger to me. She would lay the 
trap 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
O-oh! 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 195 

Tompkins. 
Say one word against her and I'll 

Second Officer. 
[To Tompkins.] Keep quiet, or we'll put you 
in a straight jacket ! 

First Officer. 
[To Count.] There is no occasion for excite- 
ment. It only arouses suspicion. You know noth- 
ing about these smuggled goods? 

Count. 
[Vehemently.] Nothing! — It is all one great 
thunderbolt to me. 

Tompkins. 
Give him a little lightning, too. 

[Second Officer shakes Tompkins into 
silence. 

First Officer. 
That is all. [Count smiles and sighs with relief. 
Starts to go. Woman Inspector says something 
in undertone to First Officer.] Oh, just a mo- 
ment. May I beg a cigarette of you? 

Count. 
[After a moment's hesitation.] Weeth pleasure. 
[Opens case so as to hide cover, extends to 
First Officer. 

First Officer. 
[Taking case.] Thank you. [Closing case, and 
holding it up. ] And now will you explain how you 
came into possession of this cigarette case? 



196 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Count. 
Woat is that to you ? 

First Officer. 
What is it to you ? 

Count. 
It is mine. 

First Officer. 
It is the cigarette case Mrs. Tompkins purchased 
in Paris. 

Count. 
Caramba! [To First Officer.] You may 
have it. She may have it ! Muy bien, I must go ! 
[Starts towards door, but is again intercepted 
by Second Officer. 

First Officer. 
I must detain you, sir, for receiving smuggled 
goods. 

Count. 
[Pointing towards Mrs. Tompkins.] It is she 
that is guilty. You haive found her so. Thees is 
hers. She did beg me to take it. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
I never ! Oh, you crocodile ! Take him away. 
The very air has become coagulated by his presence. 

Count. 
Muy bien, I weell go. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 1 97 

First Officer. 
Not so quick. I will attend to you later. Wat- 
kins, take him into some adjoining room until I 
settle this other — matter. 

Second Officer. 
Very well, sir. [To Count.] Come with me. 
[Count remonstrates in pantomime. Ex- 
eunt Count and Second Officer. 

First Officer. 
[To Mrs. Tompkins.] There remains one piece 
of jewelry still unaccounted for, — the pearl collar. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, I'm so tired ! I can't think. I haven't that. 

First Officer. 
Where is it? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
I — I — [desperately] I dropped it overboard — 
once — when I was leaning over the rail. A rough 
sea 

First Officer. 
You will have to give that explanation at the 
Custom House. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Well, to tell the truth, since you force me to that 
unpleasant task, I bought it for a friend. 

First Officer. 
The friend's name? 



198 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
I said a friend. If you will wait a few days I 
promise to settle this all up. 

First Officer. 
It is impossible. As I said before, you must go 
with me unless you furnish sufficient bond. . . . 

Mrs. Tompkins. 

Oh, what shall I do ! What shall I do ! 

[To Woman Inspector. 

Woman Inspector. 
If you have your own carriage, or motor, we 
would, perhaps, attract less attention. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, no, no, no! [To Tompkins.] Help me! 
Oh, help me! 

Tompkins. 
Come on to the asylum. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, what shall I do ! I never intended to do 
anything wrong. I thought it was just fun. Every 
woman does it. Oh, you surely don't mean what 
you say! 

First Officer. 
There is no other alternative. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, Nick, you wouldn't see me arrested like a 
common thief. You said you loved me! 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 199 

Woman Inspector. 
Madam, you are overwrought. Remember what 
this man is. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
He's my husband. Oh, Nick, help me. 

[Throws herself into Tompkins' arms. 
Chesterton appears at hall entrance, fol- 
lowed by Mr. and Mrs. Sturtevant, who 
are in evening dress; Mrs. Sturtevant 
wearing the pearls smuggled in by Mrs. 
Tompkins. 

Chesterton. 
Mr. and Mrs. [starts back in amazement at 
group, stammering and half-choking] St-St-urte- 
vant. . . . 

[Looks about room, into hall; then listening 
intently, goes in direction by which Second 
Officer and Count left stage. 

Sturtevant. 
Well, well, well, — bless my soul, but this is a joy- 
ful occasion. Tompkins, old man, I'm glad to see 
you back where you belong. 

First Officer. 
[ Under his breath. ] Tompkins ! 

Tompkins. 
I can't quite figure out where I belong, Sturtevant. 
It's a toss-up between the grave and a mad-house. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Catching sight of the Officers.] Oh! — Why, 
Viola! 



200 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
{Running to Mrs. Sturtevant and wrapping her 
scarf about her throat.] It's cool in here, Angelica ; 
— and you know your throat is sensitive. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
My throat! Sensitive? Why, no 



Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, yes, it is. I know. You are so careless 
about yourself. 

[Woman Inspector is watching Mrs. 
Sturtevant closely. 

Sturtevant. 
[Catching sight of Officer.] Hello, Tompkins! 
What's this? 

Tompkins. 
Oh, Viola's memory slipped a cog when she came 
through the Customs. This fellow's here trying to 
set her right about some things they're after. You 
know how it is ; — these women ! 

Sturtevant. 
No, I'm thankful to say, I do not know. I've 
got a wife that wouldn't stand for that sort of thing 
any more than I would. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Custom House Officers ! 

[Puts hands to throat in fright; then tries 
to unfasten necklace; Woman Inspector 
coming up behind and examining clasp. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 201 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Yes, the game's up. I'm in an awful stew. 

Tompkins. 
Stew ! Regular Chinese ragout ! Better dig up 
that pearl necklace, Viola. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Struggling with clasp.] O-oh! 

Woman Inspector. 
[To Mrs. Sturtevant.] May I assist you, 
madam ? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[ Turning guiltily. ] N-no, thank you. 

Woman Inspector. 
May I examine that necklace ? The clasp 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Haughtily.] Certainly not ! 

Sturtevant. 
Why, you don't own a pearl necklace, Gellie. 
[To First Officer.] What do you mean, sir, by 
allowing such a demand ? 

Woman Inspector. 
My office as inspector entitles me to make such 
demands upon whomsoever I may suspect. 

Sturtevant. 
Why should you suspect my wife? She hasn't 
been abroad, and if she had I'd stake my life on 
her honesty. 



202 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Tompkins. 
Rather high stakes, Sturtevant. Well meet in 
New Orleans. 

Woman Inspector. 
The necklace she is wearing is of pearls, and 
answers the description 

Sturtevant. 
I tell you my wife doesn't own a pearl necklace. 
Don't you suppose I know? I have to pay the 
bills. [To Mrs. Sturtevant.] Show her she's 
made a mistake, Gellie. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Why, Gordon, how forgetful you are ! Of course, 
I own a pearl necklace. Dear me, you forget your 
own generosity. 

Tompkins. 
How forgetful the world is becoming ! 

Sturtevant. 
Never gave you pearls. Don't like 'em. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
You bought them at Tiffany's, you know. You 
remember now, don't you? 

[Removes scarf, and regards him sternly 
through her lorgnettes. 

Sturtevant. 
No! 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 20 3 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Of course, T. Gordon, you remember the day we 
all went to Tiffany's. 

[Nods her head by way of suggestion. 

Sturtevant. 
[Comprehending.] Er — um — hum. Well, my 
memory has been doing queer things to me 
lately 

Tompkins. 
Come on in, Sturtevant. 

Sturtevant. 
[Looking at Mrs. Sturtevant indignantly.] 
Yes, — yes, — now I see them, perhaps you are right, 
my dear. [Turning away.] You're always right. 

Woman Inspector. 
If it was a gift from your husband you will, I'm 
sure, have no objection to my examining it. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
I do object. [Turning lorgnettes upon her. 

Sturtevant. 
Now, my dear, I'd advise you 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Severely.] Gordon, I never allow you to inter- 
fere in my affairs. Silence on your part will be of 
the greatest assistance. 

Sturtevant. 
[Piqued.] Very well, my love, very well. From 
this time forth I am deaf and dumb to your voice. 



204 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

[Takes Tompkins' arm and both men go to 
the fireplace where they hold a whispered 
conversation, glancing at the women from 
time to time in amusement, as if concoct- 
ing a scheme. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[To Woman Inspector.] Woman, I demand 
an apology for your insolence. 

Woman Inspector. 
Being guilty of none, I cannot comply with your 
request, madam. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
You insinuated that I did not tell the truth. 

Woman Inspector. 
I questioned the veracity of your statement. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
It amounts to the same thing. 

Woman Inspector. 
Possibly, from your point of view. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
The correct and only view-point. [Turning to 
First Officer. ] Sir, do you know who I am ? 

First Officer. 
A friend of Mrs. Tompkins; the friend of Mrs. 
Tompkins, I suspect. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 205 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Drawing herself up.] I am Mrs. T. Gordon 
Sturtevant. 

First Officer. 
Indeed! I know your husband to be a promi- 
nent man in the business world. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
And I am equally prominent in the social world. 
Sir, I am president of the Society for the Propaga- 
tion of the Higher Morality of the Working Girl. 

First Officer. 
Indeed ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
And I am the secretary. 

Sturtevant. 

[To Tompkins.] You know, Tompkins, I've 
always had a world of sympathy for the poor work- 
ing girl. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
I am chairman of the Board of Inquiry into the 
Ethical Conditions of the American Home. 

First Officer. 
[Amused.] IndeedJ 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
And I am the treasurer. 

Tompkins. 
I suppose, Sturtevant, such mottoes as " God 
Bless Our Home " are your wall decorations ? 



206 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
I am director of the Society for the Suppression 
of Dishonesty and Deceit Among Thinking Women. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
I'm not in that yet. 

First Officer. 
[To Mrs. Sturtevant.] Indeed! Then surely 
a woman of such breadth will see the justice of 
our position. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
I see that which alone exists. Injustice! Cal- 
umny ! Gordon, I expect you to deal with this man 
as he deserves ! 

[Sturtevant engages in animated conversa- 
tion with Tompkins, ignoring Mrs. 
Sturtevant. 

Woman Inspector. 
Madam, as a conspicuous figure in so many com- 
plicated societies I should think you could scarcely 
afford to have your name appear in print 

Mrs. Sturtevant. . 
A society woman expects to see her name in 
print. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Good Heavens! What does a woman go into 
society for? 

Woman Inspector. 
— could scarcely afford to have her name appear 
in print in connection with a smuggling case. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 207 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Smuggling ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
The newspapers ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Gordon! [Imperiously.] Gordon! 

Sturtevant. 
As I was saying, Tompkins, any form of dis- 
honesty should receive the full measure of punish- 
ment the law prescribed. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Gordon, how can you stand there and see your 
wife insulted? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Szueetly.] Gordon, your wife is speaking to 
you. 

Tompkins. 
As Mark Twain remarked, Sturtevant, " such 
people are not to be trusted; they are fit for trea- 
sons, stratagems and spoils ! " 

Woman Inspector. 
[To Mrs. Sturtevant.] The moment you 
entered this room, madam, I noticed that necklace ; 
the moment pearl necklace was mentioned your guilt 
was apparent. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Guilt ! 



208 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

First Officer. 
Madam, Mrs. Tompkins told me she purchased 
that necklace for a friend. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[To Mrs. Tompkins.] You have betrayed me. 
You have told the truth ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
I never! I couldn't. You ought to know me 
better ! 

Woman Inspector. 
Ah, you see you have confessed. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Confessed what? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, Angelica, it's all up. You might as well give 
in as try to bluff it out. It'd be as easy for a dead 
man to fool the undertaker as 

Tompkins. 
Give me credit, Viola? Give me credit! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Gordon ! Gordon, I am speaking to you. 

Sturtevant. 
[To Tompkins.] How blissful is the life of the 
deaf and dumb ! 

Tompkins. 
Second only to that of the dear departed ! 



SHE KNOPFS BETTER NOW 209 

First Officer. 
Ladies, my time is valuable. Either you must 
furnish immediate bond, or you must accompany 
me. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[To Mrs. Tompkins.] Does he mean arrest? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
That's just what he means, Angelica. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
. Oh, what shall we do ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
We'll perish together ! Let that thought console 
you, dearest. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
What consolation is that ? Gordon, Gordon ! 
You must get me out of this ! 

Sturtevant. 
[To Tompkins.] The deaf and dumb have ever 
been law-abiding citizens, Tompkins. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Oh, Nick, if you ever loved me have pity on me 
now. 

Tompkins. 
Sweet is the innocent repose of the departed. 
They know nothing of the deceptions of mortal 
woman. 



210 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Count. 
[Off stage.] You will not, — you cannot keep me 
here like one prisoner. [Rushing into room, to 
First Officer. ] Sir, I weell persecute you ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Oh, Count — my dear, dear Count. 

Tompkins. 
[To Sturtevant.] Et tu Brute? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
No, just plain brute. 

Count. 
[To Mrs. Sturtevant.] Ay, senora, you, you, 
you are the one perfect lady ! You would not de- 
ceive a gentleman. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Take him away. Take him away, or I shall for- 
get to be a lady ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Why, Viola! 

Count. 
[To Mrs. Sturtevant.] You see in me, se- 
nora, a man wounded to the — [beating his breast] 
woat you say — to the fast, si que no ? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Angelica, I forbid you 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 211 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Oh, of course, Viola, I quite understand your 
feeling, now you and Nicholas are reconciled. 
[To Count.] But, Count, that will not prevent 
you from enjoying our hospitality. 

Count. 
. Ay, senora, you make me dumb weeth happiness. 

Tompkins. 
Be kind to our dumb friends. 

Count. 
[To Mrs. Sturtevant.] Wy, wy, senora, should 
I be kept here ? I am innocent, as you are innocent. 

Sturtevant. 
Innocent, what does this mean? 

[Whispered conversation between Tompkins 
and Sturtevant. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Ah, Count, you have been sent as a messenger 
from on high to deliver me. 

Count. 
Ay, for you, — for you, senora, the one perfect 
lady I haive met in America, I vould go through 
the— Hell fire ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
I hope you will ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Ah, Count, I know you will. For me — then — 
you will teach such brutal, uncouth men as these 
the definition of a perfect gentleman. 



212 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Angelica! [Mrs. Sturtevant waves her aside. 

Count. 

At your feet, like the gallant knights of old, I 
kneel. [Kneels. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Rise, Sir Knight, and serve your lady ! 

Count. 
Woat shall I do, fair lady ? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Pointing to First Officer.] That insult to your 
sex will make demands which, as my Knight, I 
ask you to satisfy. 

Count. 
Your vishes are my commands. [To First 
Officer.] Woat are your demands, sir? 

First Officer. 
Ten thousand dollars. 

Count. 
[Staggering back.] Ten thousand dollars! Dios 
mio ! I am not a Pierpont Rockyf ellow ! 

[Sturtevant and Tompkins convulsed with 
laughter. 

First Officer. 
The lady desires you to furnish her bond. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NO IV 21 3 

Count. 

Furnish her. It is for Mrs. Sturtevant, that 
honest lady, that I speak. 

First Officer. 
It is for Mrs. Sturtevant that I speak. 

Count. 

Mrs. Sturtevant you — you — it is the impossible! 
Senora, why will you permit the insult? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Ah, Count, how fortunate that you have come at 
this psychological moment ! 

Count. 
[Turning to Sturtevant.] Mr. Stoortevant, 
you will not turn the cold back on your wife ! 

Sturtevant. 
I neither know you nor the woman to whom you 
are speaking. 

Count. 
Caramba ! This is no place for me! [To Sec- 
ond Officer. ] Take me back ! Take me away ! 
Take me anywhere. [Starts towards door. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Imploringly.] You will not desert me! 

Tompkins. 
Whither travelest thou, Sir Galahad? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
My dear Count ! 



214 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Count. 
Ay, santissima Virgen! Wy did I come here! 
This is one awful day ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Count, you forget your vow! 

Count. 

Sefiora, you cannot ask me to do such a thing! 
My work ! My King ! 

First Officer. 
[To Count.] You refuse to comply with the 
lady's wishes? 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Count ! 

Count. 
I am an honest man, I cannot do otherwise. Muy 
bien. I go. 

[The sound of excited voices is heard off 
stage. There is a quick stumbling and 
slamming of doors. At r. of staircase 
landing appears Chesterton with hat and 
luggage; behind him, brandishing a golf 
stick, follows Delia. 

Delia. 

[Brandishing club over Chesterton's head.] 
March along wid yersilf. 

Chesterton. 
[Dodging her.] Put down that club ! 

[Stumbling down stairs to get out of het 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 21 5 

reach. All in room below start at com- 
motion, and turn in surprise towards stairs. 
The Count, seeing his chance, makes a 
dart towards u. l. but is caught by Second 
Officer and jerked back by the collar. 

Delia. 
[With the air of a general.} March yersilf down, 
me hearty! 

Chesterton. 
Put down that club ! Do you think I'm carrying 
a golf ball around on my shoulders? 

Delia. 
Indade, and I wouldn't be insulting a golf ball. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Delia, what are you doing? 

Delia. 
The work of Tim Murphy, the cop. I caught 
yer foine bootler here a-creepin' out like a thief in 
the night. [Catching sight of Mr. Tompkins.] 
Oh, the saints be praised, and it's himsilf it is ! 
Thanks be to God! Mr. Tompkins, would ye be 
af ther seem' did he steal iverything in the house ? 

First Officer. 
[To Chesterton.] Put those things down. [To 
Tompkins.] I'll attend to this. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Chesterton ! 



21 6 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Chesterton. 
Begging your pardon, madam, I — er — I — er sud- 
denly thought — er — I was — er — homesick, madam. 
I — er — [furtive glanee at Count] am taken that 
way sometimes. 

First Officer. 
Where are you going? 

Chesterton.- 
To — er — to England, sir. 

First Officer. 
The last train has gone. [Examining luggage.] 
Nothing here. [To Chesterton.] What's your 
hurry ? 

Chesterton. 
[In agitation.] I'm a very nervous man, sir. 
[Looking in uncertainty at Count. 

First Officer. 
So I see. 

Chesterton. 
I have these spells — and must always obey my 
impulse. 

First Officer. 
Um. [Starting to go through Chesterton's 
pockets.] I'll see if there are any traces of your 
impulses here. 

Chesterton. 

[Drawing away. ] Oh ! I'm ticklish, sir. There's 
nothing, sir. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 21/ 

First Officer. 
That's what I'm looking for. [Feels his pockets, 
takes out papers, examines them hurriedly, finally 

reads one.] Hello! Hello ! [All crowd 

about him.] Um. [To Count.] What's your 
name ? 

Count. 

[Hesitates a moment, casts a covert glance about 
room, with bravado.] Count Adolfo De la Noche- 
buena. 

First Officer. 
Ah! 

[Passes paper to Mrs. Tompkins. Others 
crowd around to see it. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Reads it. To Count in suppressed rage.] Oh, 
you worm ! You Spanish worm ! 

Count. 
It is a forgery. He did write it. 

[Points to Chesterton. 

Delia. 
[Who has been standing like a sentinel guarding 
the fort.] Indade an' it's yersilf that wrote it, and 
it's mesilf that seen ye give it to this one. [Indicat- 
ing Chesterton.] And it wuz no dacent language 
ye wuz talkin' naither. [To Mrs. Tompkins.] I 
seen it wid me own two eyes, mum. 

First Officer. 
[To Chesterton.] Who is this man? 



218 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Count., 
[To Chesterton, threateningly.] Silencio! Que 
hay ! Que quiere decir esto ? 

Delia. 
Listen to that, now ! 

First Officer. 
[To Chesterton.] Your actions are suspicious. 
It may help you to explain. 

Chesterton. 
[With timorous look at Count, who glowers at 
him threateningly.] I — am afraid, sir. 

First Officer. 
You need have no fear if you are not guilty. 
The truth. 

Chesterton. 
He is 

Count. 
[Fiercely.] Calla te la boca o te mato! 

First Officer. 
Remember you haven't — a monopoly on that 
language. Somebody else may have a knowledge 
of Spanish. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Coming forward proudly.] Well, rather, — 
what did he say ? 

First Officer. 
. He said : " Say nothing or I will kill you." 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 219 

Mrs. Tompkins and Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Oh! 

First Officer. 
[To Chesterton.] Well? 

Chesterton.; 
[Fearfully. ] I — er 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
On, Chesterton ! — On with the vivisection ! 

Chesterton. 
He is a gambler 

Count. 
Caramba ! 

Chesterton. 
[To Mrs. Tompkins.] He planned to get your 
money, madame. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[To Mrs. Sturtevant.] And this is what we've 
been entertaining! 

Tompkins. 
[To Sturtevant.] Viola's Christmas tree orna- 
ment. [Laughs. 

Sturtevant. 
Angelica's knight of yore! [Laughs. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
That's enough. [Drawing her skirts away from 
the direction of the Count.] Remove the pest. I 
will have the house fumigated to-morrow. 



220 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

First Officer. 
[To Second Officer.] Take these fellows along 
with you, Watkins. [To Chesterton.] You'll 
get off easy. [To Watkins.] I'll follow with the 
ladies. 

[Both zuomen shrink, and draw closer to- 
gether. 

Second Officer. 
Yes, sii\ 

[Takes both men — Chesterton and Count 
— and directs them to go forward, the 
Count protesting violently in Spanish. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
What a horrible sound ! 

Count. 
[Up stage, turns, looks the company over sneer- 
ingly.) You are all too plebeian for the notice of a 
gentleman. [Shrugs his shoidders and laughs sar- 
donically.] There are as many fish in the ocean as 
haive evair got the hook. Muy bien ! [Deliber- 
ately dusting boot with handkerchief.] I wipe the 
dust of your society from my feet, — con mucho 
gusto ! 

[Turns upon his heel and goes out jauntily 
with Second Officer, singing snatches of 
the Toreador's song from " Carmen." 
For a moment all are speechless. 

Delia. 
[Calling after them.] May all our bad luck go 
wid ye ! Bad cess to him ! 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 221 

First Officer. 
[In businesslike tone to Delia.] The ladies' 
wraps, please. 

Delia. 

[To Mrs. Tompkins.] Shure an' dinner is 
waitin', mum. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 

Oh, we — er — are going out — for a little pleasure 
ride. [Weakly.] My wraps, Delia. 

[Exit Delia, making gesture of disappoint- 
ment. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Sinking down upon divan.] All is lost — lost! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Sinking down beside Mrs. Sturtevant.] Our 
social careers shattered upon the rocks. 

[Tompkins and Sturtevant resume their 
former places before fireplace. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Gordon, you won't see your wife's name dragged 
in the mire! 

Sturtevant. 
[Ignoring women.] As I was saying, Tompkins, 
woman doesn't need Equal Suffrage. What she 
needs is Equal Suffering. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
She has it! 



222 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Sturtevant. 
Let her pay the wages of her folly 

Tompkins. 
Or get her titled friends to do it for her. 

- Sturtevant. 
If woman breaks the law let her suffer the 
penalty. 

Tompkins. 
Let her wear the hobble skirt in stripes. 

Mrs. Tompkins and Mrs. Sturtevant. 
No! No! No! No! 

Sturtevant. 
It is time for rebellion — the rebellion of man, 
the marital slave ! Too long have we been under 
the feminine thumb ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Gordon ! Gordon ! Calm yourself ! 

Sturtevant. 
[Waxing more oratorical.] Too long have we 
been the cowed and downtrodden work horse ! 

Tompkins. 
[Catching his spirit.] You're right, old man. 
It's time to balk, rise up and kick the traces ! 

Sturtevant. 
[With flourishing gesture.] Let the Independ- 
ence of Man be the war cry ! Long live the Noble 
Male ! 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 223 

Tompkins and Sturtevant. 
Hurrah ! Hurrah ! 

Sturtevant. 
[Taking Tompkins by the arm and starting up 
stage. ] Come on, Tompkins, a night at the Club to 
celebrate Freedom Forever! 

Tompkins and Sturtevant. 
Hurrah ! Hurrah ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Going after them hurriedly.} Gordon! Gor- 
don! You won't desert me! 

[The two men pause and turn in feigned 
surprise. 

Sturtevant. 
What woman is this? 

[Looks inquiringly at Tompkins. 

Tompkins. 
Search me ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Rising majestically, and holding her arm aloft. ] 
Forbear, Angelica, forbear! The hour of martyr- 
dom has arrived ! [Sweeping majestically tip and 
down stage.] We will go to jail! [The others 
look at her in consternation.] Like our English 
sisters, we will offer ourselves as living sacrifices 
in the cause of Woman. We will go to jail ! 

Tompkins. 
[To Sturtevant.] What the 



224 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Coming to Mrs. Tompkins; dubiously.] And 
— wear stripes, dear? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Stripes were ever becoming to the feminine fig- 
ure. They will but lend a pathetic touch to our 
emaciated forms. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
But the newspapers? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Waxing eloquent,'] From shore to shore they 
will spread the harrowing tale of our matrimonial 
bondage. 'Now is the time for rebellion! 

Tompkins. 
[Coming forward anxiously.] Viola! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 

[Seeing the men are weakening.] You're right, 
Viola ! Let the Emancipation of Woman be in- 
scribed upon our banner! 

Sturtevant. 
[Coming forward.] Gellie, my love! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Too long — too long have we been the brow- 
beaten domestic drudge ! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 

Too long have we been the slave of the coffee 
urn! 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 225 

[Men hold serious whispered colloquy; 
First Officer and Woman Inspector 
show enjoyment of situation. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
It's time to rise up and smash some window 
panes ! 

Mrs. Tompkins and Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Hurrah ! Hurrah ! 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Taking Mrs. Sturtevant by the arm.] 
Come, — a night in the Tombs to celebrate Freedom 
Forever ! 

Mrs. Tompkins and Mrs. Sturtevant. 
Hurrah ! Hurrah ! 

[Delia appears >pn balcony with wraps; 
stands dumbfounded at scene below. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
Delia, our wraps ! 

Delia. 
Yis, mum. [Descends stairs. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[With heroic determination.] Come, officer, do 
your duty ! 

[Takes wraps from Delia, and begins prepa- 
rations for departure. 

Sturtevant. 
Good Lord, Tompkins ! 



226 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Tompkins. 
This'll never do ! 

Sturtevant.. 
Angelica, my love — — 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Using lorgnettes.] What man is this? 

Tompkins. 
Viola, my pet 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[To Mr. Tompkins.] Where have I met you 
before ? 

Sturtevant. 
[To Officer.] See here, this Has gone far 
enough. 

[Delia looks from one to the other in be- 
wilderment. Mus. Tompkins and Mrs. 
Sturtevant continue with preparations 
to depart. 

Tompkins. 
[To Officer.] We can't liave our wives going 
to jail. [Goes to table with Sturtevant and 
Officer.] How much is this bond? [Both men 
produce large rolls of money and go through 
pantomime of settling up.] Wait a minute, girls. 

[Mrs. Tompkins and Mrs. Sturtevant 
walk down stage so relieved they appear 
exhausted; Woman Inspector watches 
two groups in amusement. 



SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 22/ 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Soito voce.] Never did I take such chances. 
At last I have found the pyschological moment 
with Tompkins. 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
My dear, you've won the day. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
And the only man I ever loved. [Putting 
finger on lips.] But he mustn't know it. Ssh ! 

Sturtevant. 
[To Officer.] There you are. Settle it all up 
to-morrow. 

First Officer. 
[Gathering tip papers and money.] That's all, 
sir. Very sorry to have caused you all this trouble. 

Tompkins. 
Don't mention it. 

First Officer. 
No, sir, I won't. Good-night. 

Woman Inspector. 
[To Mrs. Tompkins.] My heartiest congratula- 
tions. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[Shaking hands warmly.] Thank you. [Sotto 
voce.] I've learned my lesson. Never again, be- 
lieve me. [To Mrs. Sturtevant in louder voice.] 
Such cruelty is incredible ! [Exeunt Officers. 



228 SHE KNOWS BETTER NOW 

Tompkins. 
[Pleadingly.] Now, Viola ! 



Sturtevant. 
[Pleadingly.] Angelica, my love! 

Mrs. Sturtevant. 
[Magnanimously.] Shall we forgive them, 
Viola? 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
[In same spirit.] Yes, dear, let us not harbor re- 
venge. [Both women fall into arms of their wait- 
ing husbands.] Nick — [looking up sweetly into 
face of Tompkins] will you marry me? 

Tompkins. 
We've never been divorced, dearest. 

Mrs. Tompkins. 
And we'll go back to Brooklyn. 

Tompkins. 
My darling! And you shall wear whatever you 
please. 

Delia. 
[From staircase landing. Looking heaven- 
wards. ] The Lord be praised ! 



CURTAIN 



MUCH ADO ABOUT BETTY 

A Comedy in Three Acts 
By Walter Ben Hare 
Ten male, twelve female characters, or seven males and seven females 
by doubling. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two easy interiors. Plays a 
full evening. Betty, a moving picture star, going south on a vacation, 
loses her memory from the shock of a railway accident, and is identilied 
as a rival, Violet Ostrich, from a hand-bag that she carries. In this char- 
acter she encounters the real Violet, who has just eloped with Ned O'Hare, 
and mixes things up sadly both for herself and the young couple. An 
exceptionally bright, clever and effective play that can be highly recom- 
mended. Good Negro, Irish and eccentric comedy parts. 
Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 

Lin Leonard, Betty's one best bet. Ethel Kohler, a high-school admirer 

Major Jartree, of Wichita, not only of Betty. 

bent, but crooked. Violet Ostrich, a film favorite, Ned's 

Ned O'Hare, a jolly young honeymooner. bride. 

Mr. E. Z. Ostrich, ivho has written a Mrs. K. M. Diqgins, .1 guest at the Hotel 

wonderful picture-play. Poinsettia. 

Dr. McNutt, solid ivory from the neck up. Daffodil Diggins, her daughter, "Yes, 

Jim Wiles, a high-school senior. Mamma ! " 

Archie, a black bell-boy at the Hotel Miss Chizzle, one of the North Georgia 

Poinsettia. Chizzles. 

Officer Riley, who always does his duty. Pearlie Brown, Violet's maid, a widow 

Officer Dug an, fi-om the Emerald Isle. of ebon hue. 

Mr. Ebesezee O'Hare, a sick man and "Violet, Violet Ostrich's little girl aged 

a submerged tenth. seven. 

Mrs. Ebenezer O'Hare, "Birdie," the Diamond, Pearlie' 1 s little girl aged six 

other nine-tenths. and 

Aunt Wtnnie, Betty's chaperone. Betty, the star of the 3Iovagraph Co. 
Lizzie Mon/. han, Betty's maid,ivith a 

vivid imagination. 

Jartree may double Dugan ; Ned-may double Riley ; Jim may double Archie ; 
Mrs. O'Hare may double Ethel ; Aunt Winnie may double Pearlie and Lizzie 
may double Miss Chizzle, thus reducing the cast to seven males and seven fe- 
males. The two children have no lines to speak. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. Betty's apartments near New York. Married in haste. 
Act IT. Parlor D of the Hotel Poinsettia, Palm Beech, Fla. Three days later. 
Betty loses her memory. 
Act in. Same scene as Act II. A full honeymoon. 

JUST A LITTLE MISTAKE 

A Comedy in One Act 
By Elizabeth Gale 
One male, five female characters, or can be played by all girls. Cos- 
tumes, modern; scenery, an easy interior. Plays forty minutes. Mrs. 
Ball receives a cablegram from her sister Lucy staling that Jerry 
will arrive that day and begging her to be cordial. Mrs. Ball then goes 
out to hire a cook, leaving three young friends to receive the unknown 
. guest. The cook, sent down from the agency in haste, is greeted and 
entertained as Jerry and when the real Jerry (Miss Geraldine Take) ar- 
rives she is sent out to the kitchen. After considerable confusion and ex- 
citement she is discovered to be the "Little Miss Take." Strongly rec- 
ommended. Price, 2J cents 



LEAVE IT TO POLLY 

A Comedy in Two Acts 

By Gladys Ruth Bridgham 

Eleven female characters. Costumes, modern ; scene, an easy interior, 
Plays an hour and a half. Miss Priscilla Kitten, the principal, has to 
leave her school Hallowe'en night, having forbidden any Hallowe'en cele- 
brations. The irrepressible Polly not only manages to evade this prohi- 
bition, but is even assisted in her revolt by the principal's sister, who is 
taken for another expected visitor, and who finally saves the situation. 
Very lively and amusing, and strongly recommended. Irish comedy part. 
Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 

Miss Priscilla Kitten, principal. 

Miss Bedelia Kitten, her sister. 

Miss Octavia Harding, instructor. 

Annie, the maid. 

Marion Esterbrook 1 

Hilda Mason ~ . c , ,., ., . 

Lillian Martin < >»«"*• Should be played 

Ina Sinclair ^ §£ h about f° urteen 

Vivian Winthrop ! or fif ieen y ears M 

Mary Ann Meredith ("Polly") J 

The Burglar. 



RING-AROUND-A-ROSIE 

A Comedy in One Act 
By Gladys Ruth Bridgham 
Two males, two females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, an interior. 
Plays forty -five minutes. Joe Phipps loses a lot of money on a horse 
named Katrina to Smith, the uncle of his fiancee, and in trying to get out 
of this scrape runs into a perfect cloud of Smiths and Katrinas, is thrown 
over by his lady love, and generally tangled up. His brother's wife 
finally straightens things out. Bright, laughable and of good tone. Can 
be recommended. 

Price, ij cents 

PETER 

A Farce in One Act 

By Harry Osborne 
One male, two females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an interior. Plays 
twenty minutes. Jenny captures a burglar in her house and finds that he 
has only come to steal her aunt's Angora cat that she hates. She is on the 
point of setting him free with the cat in a basket when her aunt appears. 
The burglar introduces himself as a cat fancier which so wins aunty that 
she sends her niece to get Peter, her Angora, to show him. While she is 
gone the burglar sells the aunt her own cat. A rapid bit of nonsense fulJ 
#f laughs and movement, 

Prke, sj cent* 



A REGIMENT OF TWO 

A Farcical Comedy in Three Acts by Anthony E. Wills. Six males, 
four females. Modern costumes. Scene, an interior, the same for all 
three acts. Plays a full evening. A lively, up to-date farce., easy to pro- 
duce and full of laughs from beginning to end. All the parts good — no 
small ones. German comedy characters for both male and female, and 
<1 wild west " character part and English character comedy. Strongly 
lecom mended. Price y 23 cents 

MISS BUZBY'S BOARDERS 

A Comedy in Three Acts by Arthur Lewis Tubbs. Five male, six fe- 
male characters. Costumes, modern; scenery, two easy interiors. Plays 
two hours. In a lighter vein than this writer's other pieces, but just as 
3trong, and offers plenty of comedy. All the parts good ; four call for 
strong acting. Several good character parts and effective heavy character. 
Dialogue especially good. A sure hit. Price, 2j cents 

VALLEY FARM 

A Drama in Four Acts by Arthur Lewis Tubbs. Six males, six females. 
Scenery, two interiors and an exterior. Costumes, modern. An admirable 
play for amateurs, very sympathetic in theme, and with lots of good parts. 
Hetty is a strong lead, and Perry Deane and Silas great parts ; while 
Azariah, Lizy Ann Tucker and Verbena are full of fun. Plays a full 
evening. Price, 23 cents 

THE MISSING MISS MILLER 

A Comedy in Three Acts by Harold A. Clarke. Six males, five fe« 
males. Scenery, two interiors ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 
A bright and up-to-date farce comedy of the liveliest type. All the parts 
good ; full of opportunity for all hands. Easy to produce and strongly 
recommended. Good tone ; might answer for schools, but is a sure hit for 
amateur theatricals. Professional stage rights reserved. Price, 25 cents 

OUT OF TOWN 

A Comedy in Three Acts by Bell Elliot Palmer. Three males, five fe- 
males. Scene, an interior, the same for all three acts; costumes, modem. 
Plays an hour and a half. A clever and interesting comedy, very easy to 
produce and recommended for amateur performance. All the parts good. 
A safe piece for a fastidious audience, as its theme and treatment are alike 
beyond reproach. Price, 25 cents 

GADSBYS GIRLS 

A Farce in Three Acts by Bertha Currier Porter. Five males, four fe< 
males. Costumes, modern ; scenery, an exterior and an interior. Plays an 
hour and a half. An exceptionally bright and vivacious little piece, full 
•f action. Gadsby's adventures with the fiancees of three of his friends 
are full of interest and fun. All the parts good. Well suited for high 
school performance. Price, 23 cents 



KRISS KRINGLE'S PANORAMA 

Of Pantomimes, Tableaux, Readings, Recitations, 
Illustrated Poems, Music, etc. 

This is a compendium of materialTor the celebration of Christmas in 
school, hall, or at home. The selections are carefully made and skillfully 
employed and arranged, so that variety and novelty may be given to al- 
most any length of programme made up from its matter. 
Price, ij cents 

ORIGINAL ENTERTAINMENTS AND 
BURLESQUES 

By George M. Baker 
Six clever burlesques and specialty entertainments for amateur the- 
atricals or for lyceum entertainers. Bright and amusing, and can be 
recommended. 

CONTENTS 

Too Late for the Train. 2 males. The Peddler of Very-Nice. 7 males. 

An Original Idea. 1 male, 1 female. Snow= Bound. 3 males, 1 female. 

Capuletta. 3 males, 1 female. Bon=Bons. 3 males, 1 female. 

An attractive collection of popular pieces. 

Price, jo cents 

BAKER'S SCHOOL ENTERTAINMENTS 

By George M. Baker 
Nine entertainments for school exhibitions and graduating exercises. 

CONTENTS 
The Voyage of Life. Nine girls and chorus. 
The Tournament of Idylcourt. Twenty girls. 
The Sculptor's Triumph. One boy, five girls. 
The Rival Poets. Two boys. 
The Revolt of the Bees. Nine girls. 
The War of the Roses. Nine girls. 
Lightheart's Pilgrimage. Eleven girls. 
The Seven Ages. Eight boys, three girls. 
Visions of Freedom. Eighteen girls. 
Several published separately at 15 cents each. 

Price, jo cents 

PARLOR VARIETIES 

By E. E. Brewster, and others 
Eighteen dialogues for school or home performance, comprising many 
popular items. This book is made up from the three volumes formerly 
known as Parlor Varieties, Parts I, II, III, and offers an unusual volume 
and variety of material. 

Pric ■*, jo cents 



ALIAS BROWN 
A Satirical Farce in Three Acts 
By E. J. Whisler 
Eleven males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. 
Plays two hours. Keeler, fearing arrest for participation in a glove con- 
test in Sacramento, adopts the name of a cigar salesman, Brown, whose 
card he finds in the train, and flees to Reno. Too' late he finds Brown to 
be named as the corespondent in a divorce suit brought by Mr. Logan 
against his wife, and that Mr. and Mrs. Logan and Mary Gilbert, the girl 
of his heart, are all on the ground. His troubles are many, but he finds 
a way out of them. Good rapid farce and very funny. 
Price, 2j) cents 

CHARACTERS 

Mr. James Logan, a young married man. Age about twenty-five. 

Quick tempered. 
Mr. Mortimer, "Mrs. Mortimer s husband" not subdued, but 

submerged. Age about forty. 
John Brown, a cigar salesman. Age about forty. A practical 

business man with no frills. Somewhat bald and a little gray. 
Vincent Allgood, the hotel clerk ( Nufced). 
Montmorency, a bell hop. 
Henry Keeler, a young man of about thirty. A gentleman of 

leisure, and a good fellow. 
Billy Newcomb, a newspaper reporter. Alert and on the job. 
La Rue, the chief of police. A little heavy mentally, but persistent 

and faithful. 
Mr. Thomas Richie, a good-hearted, but weak young fellow, of 

about twenty four. 
Lee Waters, a theatrical manager. Pompous and much inclined 

to rim things. 
Rastus, a porter. 
Mary Gilbert, a public stenographer. Age about twenty-five. A 

practical, sensible girl. 
Mrs. Marie Logan, a young married woman. Age about twenty- 
two. 
Mrs. Beatrice Mortimer, an actress. Age about forty-five. 
Mrs. John Brown, about forty years old. Very mild ?nannered, a 

little old-fashioned. 
Mrs. Thomas Richie, age about twenty. A flighty little thing, 
frivolous, but affectio7iate. 

A FULL HOUSE 

A Farce in One Act 

By Dorothy Waldo 

Three males, three females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an interior. 

Plays thirty minutes. Mrs. Jinks, who keeps a boarding house, gets two 

applicants for her second floor front mixed, and manages by accident to 

Straighten out a tangled love affair. Full of laughs. Recommended. 

Price, ig cents 



THE PEDDLER OF HEARTS 

A Play for Young People 

By Gertrude Kneveh 
Eight boys, six girls and chorus. Scenery, two exteriors, veiy easyj 
costumes, fancy. Plays an hour. On the day of betrothal of Belrose, the 
Elf King, disguised as a Peddler of Hearts, arrives in Herzimwald, offer- 
ing to exchange his gilded baubles for their real flesh and blood hearts. 
He tricks every one save Gretel, the Goose Girl, who lacks the necessary 
penny, and when the Prince, Belrose's lover, arrives he finds his beloved 
bewitched and the holiday gaiety of the town changed to gloom. The 
unselfish courage of Gretel and her boy lover finally prevail to lift the 
spell and Herzimwald gets back again its warm, happy flesh and blooa 
hearts. Very good and strongly recommended. 
Price, 25 cents 



THE TROUBLING OF BETHESDA POOL 

A Comedy in Two Acts 
Mrs. George F. Bancroft 
Two males, twelve females. Scene, an interior; costumes, old-fash- 
ioned. Plays fifty minutes. Bethesda, living single and alone as the re- 
sult of a quarrel with a youthful lover, Buckstone Bradford, learns that 
Nan, his daughter by another woman, is being opposed in a love affair by 
the same selfish will that ruined her own happiness. She takes a hand, 
plans a successful elopement for the young couple, and ends by marrying 
the irate father. Very good and strongly r commended. 
Price, 25 cents 



THE BLOW-UP OF ALGERNON BLOW 

A Farce in Two Acts 
By Vance M. Criss 
Eight males. Scene, an interior ; costumes, modern. Plays thirty-five 
minutes. Blow, who " knows it all " and who has told big stories of ad- 
venture in all parts of the world, is finally entrapped into fighting a duel 
with Hannibal Jones. He puts up a fair bluff at first but Jones' reputa- 
tion and a few reminders of what might happen finally lead him to own 
up and back down. 

Price, 13 cents 

THE PRIM MISS PERKINS 

A Sketch in One Act 

By Harry La Marr 

One male, one female. Scene, an interior ; costumes, modern, Playa 

twenty minutes. Huldah Perkins advertises for a husband, ?n<\ Martin 

Muldoon, a tramp, answers, but ends by not answering at all, and Huldah 

marries Martin Witherspoon. Very swift and funny j a capital sketch, 

Price s 23 cents 



y********'" 




















Males 


Females Time 


Price 


Rotaltt 


The Americana 




II 


«# 


hrs. 


25c 


Free 


1 Anita's Trial 




II 


2 


«( 


25C 


11 


4 Art Clubs are Trumps 




12 


% 


«( 


25C 


•< 


Behind the Scenes 




12 


*& 


<( 


25C 


m 


1 The Camp Fire Girls 




«5 


2 


II 


25C 


M 


4 A Case for Sherlock Holmes 




IO 


*& 


<« 


25c 


<« 


The Farmerette 




7 


2 


<« 


25C 


44 


1 Getting the Range 




8 


y 


<( 


25C 


<« 


4 Her First Assignment 




IO 


1 


« 


ISC 


II 


Hitty's Service Flag 




ii 


iX 


it 


25c 


41 


H Joint Owners in Spain 




4 


* 


« 


25C 


#5.00 

Free 


A A King's Daughter 




ii 


2 


II 


25C 


The Knitting Club Meets 




9 


% 


« 


25C 


11 


1 A Lady to Call 




3 


X 


II 


I5C 


11 


4 Leave it to Polly 




ii 


«# 


it 


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11 


j The Minute Man 




*3 


*x 


it 


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<« 


i Miss Fearless & Co. 




IO 


2 


it 


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44 


4 A Modern Cinderella 




16 


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it 


2SC 


II 


j Moth-Balls 




3 


% 


ii 


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41 


i Rebecca's Triumph 




16 


2 


it 


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II 


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9 


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it 


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<l 


Twelve Old Maids 




15 


1 


" 


25C 


II 


* An Awkward Squad 


8 




X 


II 


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<• 


4 The Blow- Up of Algernon Blow 


8 




# 


H 


I5C 


44 


j The Boy Scouts 


20 




2 


«« 


25C 


44 


* A Close Shave 


6 




X 


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I 5 C 


U 


i The First National Boot 


7 


2 


1 


«< 


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«« 


j A Half- Back's Interference 


IO 




X 


« 


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II 


^ His Father's Son 


14 




iX 


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25C 


<l 


4 The Man With the Nose 


8 




X 


11 


i5 c 


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j On the Quiet 


12 




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44 


j The People's Money 


II 




iX 


" 


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14 




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<< 


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j A Regular Scream 


II 




iX 


" 


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II 


Schmerecase in School 


9 






it 


15c 


II 


4| The Scoutmaster 


IO 




2 


ii 


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II 


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17 




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ii 


25 c 


II 


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9 




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It 


i5 c 


II 


4 Wanted— A Pitcher 


ii 




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15c 


44 


j What They Did for Jenkins 


14 




2 


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25c 


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Aunt Jerusha's Quilting Party 


4 


12 


iX 


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25c 


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i The District School at Blueberry 












j Corners 


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17 


I 


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24 


10 


I 


II 


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41 


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A BAKER, 5 Hamilton 


Place, Boston 


, Mass* 


L Myyyyy ^^ 












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Plays for Colleges and High Schools 



The Air Spy 

Bachelor Hall 

The College Chap 

The Colonel's Maid 

Daddy 

The Deacon's Second Wife 

The District Attorney 

The Dutch Detective 

An Easy Mark 

The Elopement of Ellen 

Engaged by Wednesday 

The Farmerette 

For One Night Only 

Hamilton 

Higbee of Harvard 

Kitty's Service Flag 

The Hoodoo 

The Hurdy Gurdy Girl 

Katy Did 

Let's Get Married 

London Assurance 

Lost a Chaperon 

The Man from Brandon 

The Man Who Went 

The Man Without a Country 

Master Pierre Patelin 

Me and Otis 

The Minute Man 

Aiose 

Mr. Bob 

Mrs. Briggs of the Poultry Yard 

Nathan Hale 

Nephew or Uncle 

Professor Pepp 

A Regiment of Two 

The Revenge of Shari-Hot-Su 

The Rivals 

The Romancers 

The Rose and the Ring 

Sally Lunn 

The School for Scandal 

She Stoops to Conquer 

Step Lively 

The Submarine Shell 

The Thirteenth Star 

The Time of His Life 

Tommy's Wife 

The Twig of Thorn 



Males 
12 

8 
II 
6 

4 
6 
io 
5 
5 
4 
5 

5 
ii 



6 

9 
4 
3 

io 
6 
3 
7 

46 

4 
5 



3 
4 

i 

8 
6 
3 
9 

A 

3 

12 

'5 

4 
7 



Females Time 

1% hrs. 
2 " 
2% « 



4 
4 
7 
3 
4 
6 
6 

5 
2 

3 

7 
4 
5 
4 
11 
12 

9 
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5 
3 
9 
4 
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4 
13 
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4 
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4 
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4 
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2 

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2 

2 

2 
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2 

2 

2 

2 
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2 

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IX 
l^ 

2 

2^ 
2 

2 

2J* 
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2K 
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1% 



Price 
25C 
25C 
25C 
25c 
25C 
25c 
25c 
25c 

I5C 
25c 
25 c 
2 5 C 

I5C 
SOC 

I5C 
25c 
25c 
2 5 C 
25c 
5OC 

ISC 
25c 

I5C 
25C 
25C 
5OC 

I5C 

25C 

*5c 
*5C 
25c 
50c 
25c 
25c 
25 c 

!5C 

*5c 
25c 
25c 
25c 
15c 
15c 
25c 
25c 
25 c 
25c 
25c 
60c 



Rojalty 

Special 
Free 



Special 
Free 



Special 
Free 



Special 
Free 



#10.00 
Free 



Special 
Free 



For " special " royalties, see catalogue descriptions for 
detailed information. 

BAKER, 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Mass* 



Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process. 
Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide 
Treatment Date: Sept. 2009 

PreservationTechnologies 

A WORLD LEADER IN COLLECTIONS PRESERVATION 

111 Thomson Park Drive 
Cranberry Township, PA 16066 
(724) 779-2111 



